


I Hate Accidents (Except When We Went From Friends To This)

by Moon_Cube



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:08:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 60,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28619292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon_Cube/pseuds/Moon_Cube
Summary: High School AU.Toni and Shelby are best friends. Jealousy makes feelings they didn’t know they had come spilling out.Slow burn, friends to lovers.
Relationships: Regan/Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 519
Kudos: 2044





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> High school AU twitter gifs made me do this - @Moon_Cubee

"Oh, she's here!" Martha grinned, already skipping towards the white Mercedes that had just pulled up to a smooth stop at the sidewalk in front of her house. 

  


Toni's hands were still jammed into her pockets as she pushed herself to her feet from where she was sat on the steps leading to the Blackburn's front door. 

  


She squinted in the sun as she made her way towards the bright white car, her eyes following the window of the passenger seat as it glided down, revealing Shelby inside. Her hair was tied up in a neat pony tail, little wisps falling across her forehead. The sun was catching her perfectly as it always seemed to. Toni tried hard to fight back an eye roll as the music playing inside the car escaped through the now open window. 

  


"There will be no Taylor Swift hate in this car." Shelby warned Toni sternly as she opened the door and shuffled inside. 

  


"I didn't say anything!" Toni feigned innocence. She was sometimes utterly convinced that Shelby could actually read her mind. Toni didn't have a poker face; God knows she wore every single thought and emotion that crossed her but Shelby seemed to know what she was feeling and thinking before she even did herself. 

  


Martha let out a squeal in the backseat as she buckled her seat belt, "I love this song, Shelby!" 

  


Toni glanced back at her friend with a laugh as she buckled up her own. This is how it worked with them, unspoken; Shelby would pick them up almost every day for school, Martha would climb into the back and the front seat was Toni's.

  


Shelby's car was always immaculate, inside and out. Toni had accused her of having a live in valet many times but Shelby vehemently denied it. Without a speck of dirt in sight, Toni wasn't convinced so she continued to tease her. 

  


They drove the short journey to school, Shelby and Martha signing along to Taylor Swift the whole way. As much as Toni pretended that she hated it, these were the little moments she lived for, the moments she thought about when she lay in bed at night, moments she knew she'd look back on and miss one day when they were over. 

  


The soft peacefulness that had settled over Toni was ripped away the moment they pulled into the parking lot. A scowl settled over her face and she almost scoffed out loud when she saw Andrew and his friends gathered outside his blue pick up truck, a few spaces from where Shelby had parked. He hadn't been in school for the last few weeks, on some God trip somewhere that only people like Andrew with all his money and his important parents could go. Toni had forgotten he existed.

  


"Thanks for the ride, Shelby." Martha smiled sweetly, stepping out of the car. 

  


"My pleasure." Shelby smiled back seemingly unaware that her boyfriend who had been gone for weeks was a few feet away from them. Toni wondered if they had seen each other since he'd got back, if they'd spent the weekend together, last night together. Her scowl deepened as she tried not to think about it. Toni wondered why Shelby and Andrew's friends were the only people in the whole school who couldn't see what an asshole he was. 

  


Shelby had only been out of the car for a few seconds before Andrew was by her side, roughly wrapping his arms around her. Toni stuffed her hands back into her pockets as she got out, watching Andrew pull back and then press a hard kiss to Shelby's lips. Toni dropped her eyes before their lips touched, kicking at the ground as she and Martha stood awkwardly for a moment. 

  


Shelby pushed Andrew away, smiling a smile that Toni only ever saw on her face when she was with Andrew. It didn't look like Shelby's real smile at all. Shelby glanced over to where Toni and Martha were stood, her eyes didn't meet Toni's and Toni knew it was deliberate. 

  


"I'll catch up with you girls later." She called back at them as Andrew pulled her towards his friends. He reminded Toni of a few of her old foster-dad's, to whom women were just trophies, a pretty thing, a bragging right. That's what Shelby was to Andrew; A Pageant Queen, the hottest girl at school, the God fearing good Christian girl who came from more money than Andrew himself. 

  


Toni stared after them, watching Andrew slip his arm around Shelby's waist, the smug look on his face as he showed her off to his friends. She turned to Martha and scoffed. 

  


"Asshole." She said simply, shaking her head. 

  


Martha gave her a sympathetic tight lipped smile. "We just need to support her in whatever makes her happy, Toni."

  


"Trust me, that asshole doesn't." Toni squeezed her hands deeper into her pockets as she turned and started making her way towards the school building. Martha followed. 

  


"Shelby wouldn't be with him if he didn't at least make her a little happy." Martha believed what she was saying; the two most popular kids at school, it was a fairy-tale that Martha tried not to be envious of. Martha had of course heard the rumours about Andrew, that he was cheating on Shelby, but she chose not to believe them because no one would do that to someone like Shelby. 

  


"I know her better than that fake shit, Marty." Toni shook her head again. She was done talking about it and most definitely wanted to be done thinking about it. She hadn't had to think of Andrew at all for weeks and now there he was again. Shelby hadn’t once mentioned him the whole time he was gone, she'd been happier than ever the last few weeks. Toni didn't mention that it was kind of weird how she flourished without her boyfriend, she didn't like to talk to her about Andrew at all. 

  


  


///

  


"So, I was thinking we could stop at that little ice cream place on the way home tonight." Shelby grinned as she slipped into her seat beside Toni. She unzipped her bag and rifled through it for her textbooks. 

  


Toni didn't look at her as she sat, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the door as people filtered into the classroom. She twisted her pencil between her fingers. 

  


"What do you think?" Shelby nudged her elbow. 

  


"Uh, sorry." Toni finally turned to her, offering an awkward smile. "I'm actually gonna hang with Regan tonight...I totally forgot we made plans." 

  


Toni hadn't forgotten at all, a pang of guilt settle in her stomach.

  


Shelby's smile dropped for a split second before she set it back firmly in place. Toni felt a heaviness in her chest at the flash of disappointment in Shelby's eyes and then envy at how quickly and easily she could disguise her true feelings. Toni had never mastered it, certainly not with Shelby. Toni thought about how there wasn't another person in the world who'd have seen the disappointment in her eyes before Shelby quickly composed herself but Toni saw right through her. Almost as clearly as Shelby saw through Toni. 

  


Before Shelby could reply, the guilt of deliberately ditching her friend last minute and just lying to her about it pushed Toni's words out of her mouth for her. "I thought you'd want to hang with Andrew anyway...you know, now that he's back."

  


That part wasn't a lie. Toni hadn't been able to stop thinking about whether Shelby and Andrew has seen each other at the weekend all day. She decided that they mustn't have because she and Martha had slept over on Friday night and then they'd gone for breakfast together on Saturday. Sunday was the only day Shelby could have really seen him but when Shelby had called her on Sunday evening she hadn't mentioned anything. 

  


Toni figured if they hadn't seen each other, they would probably want to hang out tonight. She didn't want to be the kind of friend who got jealous when her friends wanted to hang out with other people instead of her. But she was. Especially when it came to Andrew. 

  


"You and I had already made plans." Shelby kept her smile in place. "I wasn't going to just ditch 'em." 

  


Another pang of guilt. Toni hadn't had any classes with Regan today and she was practising with the band during lunch so Toni had text her asking if she wanted to hang out later. She didn't want to give Shelby the opportunity to drop her for Andrew, knowing how much it would hurt her but not exactly why, so she did it herself first. 

  


"I'm sorry." She really was but if Toni could avoid getting hurt, God knows she would. And something about Andrew just crept right under her skin. 

  


"Don't worry about it." Shelby flipped her textbook open turning from Toni's apologetic stare. "I'll let Andrew know." 

  


And then Shelby was on her phone, typing a text to Andrew. Toni's eyes bore into the wall at the front of the classroom, watering, as she resisted the urge to glance down at Shelby's phone. She cursed herself internally thinking how she'd just dropped Shelby right into Andrew's lap. She cursed herself again, hating that she cared so much that she had. 

  


For the rest of class, and for the first time that day Andrew was forgotten about. Toni and Shelby settled into each other after the initial awkward encounter. Shelby had doodled a silly picture in her notebook that Toni added to and they went back and forth throughout the lesson gigging and drawing. Before they knew it the whole page was covered. 

  


The last thing Shelby drew was a heart which she wrote Toni's name inside. Toni pushed the fluttering in her stomach when she saw it away, paused for a moment and then drew a bigger heart around it.

  


  


///

  


"It just really bugs me." Toni sighed, her mind far away from the present moment. 

  


Regan rolled her eyes and laughed, pulling her head up from where she had been placing soft kisses on Toni's neck. She moved, resting herself half on top of Toni, tucking her hands under her chin on top of Toni's chest and looking up at her. 

  


"I can tell!" She laughed softly and Toni gave her an apologetic look, placing her hand on Regan's cheek, stroking her thumb softly against her skin.

  


"Sorry." She sighed frustrated. 

  


"It's cool." Regan gave her a sincere smile. "I would totally rather you got it all out to me, than kept it all in there for you." Regan had unfolded her hand from under her chin and dropped her index finger over Toni's heart, poking against her skin, as she spoke. 

  


Toni relaxed instantly, the warmth of Regan's words spreading through her making it easy. Regan always made it easy. 

  


Toni could only enjoy the soft moment for a few seconds before she was going off again, "I just don't get how she's the only one who doesn't see what he's really like."

  


"I think she does.." Regan rested her head against her hands, staring up at Toni again. "I don't know...you know what her family are like."

  


Toni knew exactly what her family were like. Devout Christian's who never missed a day of Church, far right Republican's who desperately wanted everyone to live the same way they did, parents who held onto the reigns so tightly that their children could barely breath. Toni knew.

  
The only reasons Toni was able to even be friends with Shelby was because years ago Toni told her parents she had a boyfriend and they hadn't questioned her since. Toni had always known what Shelby's parents were like and knew they would never have agreed to let a lesbian sleep over at their house, so she said she had a boyfriend, and their assumption of her had clearly stuck because she'd slept over almost every week since.

  


"Yeah, well, there are plenty of other good Christian boys to choose from." Toni huffed. 

  


"Maybe she sees something in him we don't." Regan offered and that familiar warmth washed over Toni again. 

  


"Please don't be like the best person ever when I'm complaining about my best friends douchebag boyfriend." Toni's face softened.

  


"Sorry." Regan grinned. "He's totally the biggest asshole douchebag ever."

  


"Yes, he is." Toni nodded then pulled Regan up so her head was rested in the crook of Toni's neck, her body tucked into her side as they laughed. They put a movie on but Toni was still thinking of Shelby, how she deserved better than Andrew. 

  


She thought of the way he touched her so roughly, pushing and pulling at her, callous and uncaring. She wondered what Shelby and Andrew were doing now. Were they hanging out at Shelby's house? The only good part of Shelby having such strict parents was that Toni didn't have to think about Andrew in Shelby's bedroom, on Shelby's bed that Toni so often slept in. 

  
Shelby's bedroom felt so sacred to her, she justified why the thought of Andrew in it repulsed her so much. It was the place where she and Shelby had become best friends, their countless sleepovers over the years becoming a special little tradition between them. Toni didn't have her own bedroom, Shelby could never sleep over at her house. She didn't have a house, she never really had. Shelby had stayed over at Martha's a few times, but it wasn't quite the same.

  


Toni shook herself from her thoughts and tried to concentrate on the movie. 

  


  


/// 

  


A few hours later, she was woken by Regan shaking her and softly saying her name. Her eyes automatically went to the tv to see if the movie was still playing to give her some idea of how long she'd been asleep. The screen was blank.

  


Regan was pushing Toni's phone into her hand before she registered that it was ringing. Regan laughed at her barely conscious state. 

  


She dragged the phone up to her ear after glancing at the screen to see that it was Shelby calling her. 

  


"Hey." Toni's voice was hoarse with sleep. She cleared her throat and said hello again. 

  


"Did I wake you?" Shelby's voice was smooth on the other end of the line, as she chuckled, "it's only 9.15." 

  


"Kinda." Toni laughed. There was a sense of unease that Toni couldn't quite put her finger on. "What's up?"

  


Toni watched as Regan walked around her bedroom; folding laundry, picking something up, putting something else away. Regan always gave them space; when Shelby called, when Shelby was around, Regan distanced herself just a little. 

  


"Do I need a reason to call now?" Shelby scoffed and Toni could picture the eye roll on the other end of the phone. 

  


"Nah," Toni grinned at the image. "I'm just still hanging out at Regan's is all." 

  


"Oh." Shelby's response was flat and immediate. "I didn't realise you'd be hanging out so late..." She said it before she could set her mask back in place, the mask that Shelby never let falter for more than a split second. But it just had. Toni heard the tone in her voice the same way she'd seen the disappointment flash in her eyes earlier that day, gone as fast as it had come but not fast enough for Toni to miss. 

  


Toni knew Shelby was nothing like her parents but she wondered sometimes if the hate and homophobia had been so ingrained into her that Shelby sometimes still thought twice, that the hateful words and ideas still swirled around her head and Shelby had to work hard to push them away. There had been a number of occasions when Toni and Regan were together and Toni would feel Shelby's eyes on them. She'd look up and sure enough, Shelby's eyes would be burning into her. She always quickly looked away but not fast enough for Toni not to catch her. 

  


Regan has asked Toni about it, having caught the states every now and then herself. But Toni didn’t have an answer.

  


"I think your 'late' and my 'late' are two very different things." Toni tried to lighten the tone, not let onto Shelby that she'd heard the drop in her voice. Shelby wasn't homophobic but maybe she still wasn't 100% comfortable seeing two girls together just yet but Toni could understand that, knowing Shelby's parents. It must be hard to break free of anything that had been so regimentally drilled into you from birth. 

  


"I've got about 15 minutes before I start my night time routine." Just like that, Shelby's mask was back in place, the cracks cemented over, her light tone easing the sense of heaviness Toni still had lingering over her. 

  


"If I had a night time routine, it'd probably start around like...1." 

  


"Uh! You were just asleep at 9!" Shelby teased with a laugh. 

  


Regan had returned to sit on her bed beside Toni who reached a hand out to her, playing with her fingers. 

  


"We were watching a movie, I fell asleep." Toni grinned into the phone. 

  


"Andrew and I watched a pretty lame sports movie with my parents." Toni suddenly felt more relaxed and at ease knowing what Shelby and Andrew had done while they hung out. She supposed she liked knowing that Shelby was okay and that Andrew wasn't being an asshole somehow. Toni of course also liked the thought of Shelby's father's watchful eyes on the pair so Andrew would have had to keep his rough, pushy hands to himself. Toni immediately made herself think of Martha in the same situation; some asshole trying to force an unwanted touch so that she could justify the satisfaction looming in her stomach of that unwanted touch being denied. 

  


"Totally would have fallen asleep during that too." 

  


"Uh, anyways..." Toni began, taking Regan's hand properly in her own. She felt guilty for being on the phone, not paying attention to the girl sat beside her. "I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow?" 

  


Regan climbed over to Toni's side, still holding onto her hand, grinning. 

  


"Of course." Shelby said after a brief pause. "Sweet dreams, Toni." 

  


"Night." Was all Toni could manage back, Shelby's sweet choice of words lingering.

  


As soon as the phone was down on the bed beside Toni, Regan was kissing her, a welcome distraction from Shelby. 

  


"Are you staying over?" She mumbled against Toni's lips between kisses. 

  


Toni hummed a yes into her mouth, nodding. She pulled Regan down on top of her so their bodies were flush together. All thoughts of Andrew and of Shelby and of anything but Regan disappeared as Regan pulled Toni's shirt over her head and started kissing down her chest.

  



	2. Chapter 2

"Toni, don't drop any of the carpet!" Martha watched, her face screwed up in concern, as Toni contorted her neck to catch the cheese dripping from her slice of pizza towards Shelby's bedroom floor. 

  


Shelby was laughing, her smile stretched wide, significantly less concerned than Martha about the food falling to the floor. Toni twisted her tongue around the cheese, some of it hitting her chin as she twisted her head back upright to take another mouthful. 

  


She grinned at them as she chewed, wiping the back of her hand across her mouth. 

  


"You're totally the messiest eater ever." Martha shook her head and chuckled. She took her own delicate bite of the slice on her plate. 

  


The three girls were sat on the floor at the foot of Shelby's bed, a pizza box between them and their own pizza-filled plates at their side. It was the first Friday of the month which meant the three of them were staying over at Shelby's, ordering pizza and spending the night eating junk food. 

  


These nights were the fondest memories Toni had. Just the three of them together and there was nothing else. 

  


When they had finished eating, Shelby insisted they do face masks much to Toni's dismay. 

  


"Come on, I promise you'll feel like a new woman." Shelby pouted.

  


"I'm fine with the woman I currently am." Toni grumbled back but Shelby's fingers were already dipping into the little container of charcoal black slop as she made her way towards where Toni sat. 

  


Martha laughed from where she was sat at Shelby's dresser, patting the edges of her own face mask down, watching their reflections. 

  


Shelby knelt down beside Toni who immediately dropped her phone to resist Shelby's advancing hand. 

  


She grabbed hold of Shelby's outstretched wrist that was making it's way towards her face, her fingers smeared with the contents of the little pot in her other hand. 

  


"Shelby." Toni warned but couldn't stop the smile spreading across her face. "I swear to God, if that goes anywhere near my face..."

  


Toni stopped mid sentence as the cold gloop was pressed onto her cheeks by a giggling Shelby. 

  


"What will you do?" Shelby challenged smugly as Toni shook her head, trying very hard to set her face firmly but she just kept smiling. 

  


Shelby knew the answer was absolutely nothing so she continued smiling smugly as she settled herself on her knees between Toni's open legs and started pasting the mixture onto Toni's skin. 

  


"Head back." She instructed, using her index finger curled underneath Toni's chin to gently tilt her head back so she could smooth the face mask along her jawline. The mixture was cold at first but Toni got used to it, enjoying the coolness. Her eyes were closed, sitting happily in the feeling of the gentle strokes against her skin as Shelby spread the mix evenly over her face. 

  


"See, not so bad huh?" Shelby cooed, touching parts of Toni's face that Toni was certain were already covered in more than enough of the mix. Toni could feel Shelby's warm breath on her face. She was suddenly painfully aware of the girl kneeling between her legs, the hand on the back of her neck and the warm fingers breaking through the cool mixture against her skin. 

  


Toni opened her eyes, meeting Shelby's, the blonde already staring at her. Toni didn't expect her to be right there, looking right at her, it made her breath hitch in her throat. They stared at each other for a moment, Shelby's fingers had stilled on her cheek. Toni didn't know why but she just couldn't avert her eyes, she felt like she shouldn't, that she couldn't. So she continued to stare. She watched as Shelby's eyes fluttered, like she was trying to blink something away. And then Shelby broke their stare and glanced down to Toni's lips. 

  


A split second. All of Shelby's cracks were only ever a split second long but those split seconds felt like forever to Toni. 

  


Shelby of course was composed when that split second passed. She was smiling at Toni and securing the top back onto the little container. She gave Toni an approving nod, her smile getting bigger. "What did I tell you, a new woman." 

  


And then she was on her feet, walking to her dresser where she sat down next to Marty and started applying the mixture to her own face, as if nothing had happened. 

  


Had nothing happened? Was it just in Toni’s head? Toni wasn’t sure. Something had shifted between them recently. Toni didn’t know what but she knew that she didn’t like it, it put her on edge.

  


  


///

  


"Martha, I know you say no every time but I always have to offer just in case you change your mind." Shelby was brushing her long blonde hair in the mirror, looking at Martha's reflection as she patted the pillows down on the air mattress on the floor. "My bed is certainly big enough for the three of us."

  


"You're so sweet. Thank you, Shelby." Martha smiled at her sincerely. "But I'm good."

  


When Martha turned away from Shelby to grab a blanket, she met Toni's eyes. Toni gave her a reassuring smile. Toni knew why she was the only one Martha ever shared a bed with. It didn't happen often but Toni supposed that Martha couldn't ever know when she might wet the bed so she always just had to assume it would happen. Toni thought it was one of the things that made her saddest in the world. But they didn't speak about it. Shelby didn't know. 

  


"She's worried about my phantom lesbian hands in the night." Toni pulled the attention away from Martha much to her friends appreciation. She wiggled her hands playfully. 

  


Martha laughed and Toni knew she was okay. "If that wasn't a reason before it totally is now." She pretended to look concerned. Toni barked a laugh. 

  


"I'm sleeping with Martha, you and your 'phantom lesbian hands' can keep the bed!" Shelby threw a t-shirt at Toni's head, scoffing, shooting her a playful look. 

  


They soon settled into bed and like always Martha was immediately out like a light. 

  


Toni was lying on her back, the bed sheets tucked up under her arms as she typed away on her phone. Shelby lay on her side facing Toni, using one hand to balance her own phone as she scrolled through her various social media accounts. She wasn't really paying attention, her eyes kept shifting over to Toni who was grinning at her phone as she typed. Shelby tried not to keep staring over at her but her eyes seemed to keep flickering up. 

  


Toni stifled a laugh once but the second time she tried to she wasn't quite able to. She quickly glanced to Shelby to see if she'd disturbed her, she wasn't sure if she had fallen asleep.

  


"Sorry." She whispered and Shelby smiled at her. 

  


"What's so funny?" Shelby asked lowly, a familiar heaviness dropping into her stomach because she knew the answer. 

  


"Just this dumb picture Regan sent." Toni whispered back with a soft laugh. She met Shelby's eyes and her smile slowly dropped. Shelby was just staring intently at her through the darkness, the only light in the room coming from their phones. Toni's mind flashed back to earlier in the night when Shelby had been putting the face mask on her, how she'd stared then. It was the same look. Toni didn't know what the look was but it was one that was difficult to break. 

  


"Can I be real honest with you about something?" Shelby's voice was barely a whisper. Toni swallowed thickly, pausing for a moment, nervous. Shelby held her eyes as Toni shuffled on the bed, placing her phone down and shifting onto her side to mirror Shelby's position. Toni didn't say anything but continued to hold their stare, urging Shelby silently to continue. 

  


"I know this is probably like so pathetic but..." Shelby rolled her eyes at herself. "I was real bummed out when you ditched our plans the other day." 

  


A fresh pang of guilt settled in Toni's stomach. She felt even more guilty that she liked that Shelby cared so much. 

  


They were really close, so close that they could still see each other clearly despite the lack of light now coming from their discarded phones. Shelby's stare wouldn't let up and Toni felt like she couldn't possibly look away even if she wanted to. 

  


"I know Regan's your girlfriend." Shelby whispered when Toni didn't speak. "I know it's dumb but..." She trailed off not exactly knowing what her 'but' was. 

  


Toni was still silent, she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to be honest and admit that she'd only ditched Shelby before Shelby could ditch her but she still felt guilty. Often when Toni spoke in situations like this, she seemed to only make things worse. So she reached out her hand instead, wrapping it around the back of Shelby's and pulling it so both their hands rested between their faces. A small smile tugged at the corner of Shelby's lips, a smile Toni of course caught before Shelby settled her mouth into a firm line. 

  


"I promise I'll never ditch our plans again." Toni whispered after what felt like a very long time of just looking at Shelby. She meant it. She pulled Shelby's hand to her lips and pressed a quick kiss against the back of it which broke though Shelby's tightly closed lips, making her grin. 

  


"Good because God knows I'll never forgive you for making me sit through that awful sports movie."

  


"Shut up." Toni grinned, not able to whisper for laughing. "Come here." 

  


She untangled their hands and Shelby slipped under her arm, settling against her chest.

  


They'd done this for years but tonight was the first time it had ever felt different. Toni wasn't sure what different meant, what different was, but she just knew that it was different. She wondered if Shelby felt it too or if it was all just in her head. Nothing had happened, nothing had changed, surely it had to be in her head. 

  


Shelby's arm fell across her stomach, her fingers stroking at Toni's side over her t-shirt. Shelby's leg over her own felt heavier than it ever had. Toni was painfully aware of every breath Shelby took. She lay completely still staring up into the ceiling through the darkness. Toni had one arm around Shelby, her hand settling at the base of her back, the other hand had a loose grip on Shelby's shoulder. 

  


They lay in silence, un-moving for a long time. Toni could tell Shelby wasn't asleep because her breathing wasn't even. Every time Toni swallowed it seemed to get louder, she wondered if Shelby could hear. 

  


Just a few nights ago Toni had been cuddled up in bed next to Martha the exact same way she was with Shelby now. Shelby wasn't any different. Toni had been thinking about it for so long that at some point Shelby had actually fallen asleep. She shifted carefully, not wanting to wake the girl at her side, getting into a more comfortable position. When she settled, Shelby cuddled further into her and Toni could smell her shampoo. 

  


Her head pulled back quickly at the smell but she settled back after a moment, ignoring the trickles of guilt crawling in her stomach.

  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited about this and where it's going to go!

Toni plugged her earphones into her ears, kicking her feet as she walked towards the school parking lot. She pressed shuffle on her phone and laughed out loud when the first song that came on was a song Toni knew Shelby had snuck onto her playlist. She rolled her eyes at herself for not skipping it. While Toni wasn't quite the Taylor Swift enthusiast that Martha and Shelby were, she supposed 'Lover' was one of her more preferred songs. 

  


Toni walked to where she remembered Shelby parking her car that morning. When she got to the car she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets and spun on her heels looking back towards the school building for any sign of Shelby. If Shelby's car wasn't so immaculate and if Shelby didn't care about it quite so much, Toni would have propped herself up against it. 

  


The song came to an end as she waited, one of her own songs shuffling next. Toni turned back towards the car and squinted down the parking lot seeing what she thought was Shelby and Andrew. She took a closer look, realising that it was. Her hand came up to tug one of her earphones out as she stepped around Shelby's car. 

  


Andrew was pulling on Shelby's arm, an arm Shelby appeared to be desperately trying to pull away from him. Toni started walking closer slowly despite the rage flaring in her stomach. She didn't want to make more of a scene, she knew that would make whatever was going on a hundred times worse for Shelby. 

  


Andrew dragged Shelby into him, the blonde obviously fighting against him to get away. Toni pulled her other headphone out, getting closer. She could hear what they were saying now. 

  


"It's not a big deal." Andrew was saying over and over. He was laughing as he said it, whatever he was talking about clearly not mattering to him. 

  


"It is to me!" Shelby fought back trying to pull her arm free. Andrew still wouldn't let go. 

  


"You're overreacting." He rolled his eyes dismissively then finally let her arm free causing her to stumble back. Toni was burning with rage now but she thought of Shelby and didn't go running over to Andrew to break the arms he'd just been grabbing her with like her body was itching to. 

  


Before Shelby turned to notice Toni was just a few feet away from her now, Andrew spotted her first and threw his arms up in the air and scoffed. 

  


"Will you ever fucking get out of our business?" He laughed nastily but his jaw was set in anger. 

  


Shelby turned and Toni could see the tears streaked down her face. She immediately raised a hand to wipe them, trying to unfurrow her face and put the mask of a happy relationship back on. Toni swallowed the lump of anger and sadness that had risen in her throat. She had to fight very hard to ignore Andrew, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction and she most definitely didn't want to upset Shelby any further. 

  


"Come on." Toni reached out her hand to Shelby, stepping closer to her. Her voice was soft but shook with her bubbling emotions. 

  


Shelby sniffed, threw a quick glance back at Andrew then walked towards Toni without saying anything. She took hold of Toni's offered hand. 

  


"Of course!" Andrew shouted, throwing his hands up dramatically again. He started to walk after them. "You aren't leaving, we're talking about this."

  


Toni dropped Shelby's hand and spun around to face him. "I swear to fucking God, if you take a single step closer to her, I'll paint this fucking parking lot with your tiny little fucking brain." She spat the words, her entire body itching to do exactly what she was threatening. Andrew just looked at her, he was well aware of her reputation and believed that she would do exactly that. Toni had to be careful with Andrew though, if he wanted to he could crumble their friendship in his hands with a few simple words to Shelby's father.  
But Toni also had something on him and Andrew knew it. If Toni revealed anything about his drug habit his life would be over. They were at a stalemate with each other. 

  


Toni turned back around, taking Shelby's hand and walking to the white Mercedes parked a few cars down. 

  


Toni's blood was boiling but it didn't matter, it was over now Shelby was sat next to her, tears still falling down her cheeks. 

  


They sat for a few moments and watched as Andrew's blue truck pulled away. 

  


"Do you wanna tell me what that was all about?" Toni finally spoke, her mouth hanging open as she stared at Shelby. She wanted to wrap her up in her arms and wipe her tears away but she'd learnt how to deal with Shelby over the years. She always needed a moment to fix her own cracks before she let Toni help. 

  


"He told all of his friends we had sex." Shelby shook her head, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. She bit her lip, trying to hold back a sob that still made its way through. 

  


Toni's heart sunk and she sucked in a breath that was embarrassingly loud. She couldn't think for a moment, could only hear the words Shelby had just said repeating in her head. 

  


"Did you?" Toni asked, her throat so dry the words barely made it out. She immediately felt guilty and stupid. Why was she asking that? When Shelby was clearly so distraught and upset, she should be offering her comfort, not having to selfishly know whether or not it was true. 

  


"Toni." Shelby scoffed, offended she had to ask and then she was sobbing again. Another wave of guilt passing through her at the look Shelby had given her, the pleading look in her eyes for Toni to know her better than that. 

  


"Shit, sorry." Toni shook her head, shifting closer to Shelby and reaching out her arms to her. Shelby fell into them immediately as best she could over the centre consel between them. Toni held her while she cried for a moment, relieved it was a Wednesday and that Martha had dance practice and wasn't sat in the back of the car with them. 

  


"No, we didn't." Shelby finally said after the sobs had left her chest. Even though Toni already knew now, a wave of relief still washed over her to hear Shelby actually say it. Of course she didn't want Shelby to sleep with someone like Andrew, to give herself, any part of herself to someone who wouldn't absolutely cherish it. She wouldn't want that for Martha either, she quickly had to remind herself. 

  


"But he told people we have and if my father found out..." Shelby sighed, frustrated, wiping at her tears. She sat back into her seat. 

  


"You wonder why I hate him Shelby, look how upset he has you." Toni twisted her earphones between her fingers as she spoke. She knew speaking badly of Andrew was always dangerous territory with Shelby. 

  


"He's just a...a stupid boy." Shelby tried so hard to be good even when she was hurting, crumbling. 

  


"Shelby, I know you know he's fucking cheating on you. He's a little bit more than just a 'stupid boy'." Toni couldn't help it, she snapped. It was so frustrating to see Shelby defend him time and time again, despite all her tears and upset. And exactly the same reaction as always, exactly the same reaction Toni expected, exploded out in the seat next to her. 

  


"I know, Toni!" Shelby yelled, slamming her hand into the steering wheel and then gripping it tightly, trying so desperately not to let the cracks widen. "I fucking know, okay? Is that what you want me to say? I know he is!" 

  


Toni's mouth dropped open to say something, to take her own words back, but it was too late. Shelby always denied it, always pretended it wasn’t happening. This was the first time she had ever acknowledge it. Toni hadn’t expected it. 

  


"He's an asshole, he's cheating on me." Shelby laughed angrily, repeating words Toni had said about him. "I know, I know, I know. I know, okay?"

  


Toni didn't say anything. She knew anything she said would only make it worse. She had to let Shelby get it all out. God knows how much she had built up inside, this couldn't be all that bad for her, Toni decided as she continued to look at her wordlessly. 

  


"But I can't leave him." That made Toni scoff and shake her head. Shelby gripped the steering wheel tighter, angrily. 

  


"You don't get it, you'll never get it." Shelby's words felt as harsh as she intended them to be. It felt like she was saying a lot more than she actually was. But she was right; Toni didn't get someone like Shelby staying with someone like Andrew. There wasn't a boy at their school who wouldn't drop everything and come running to Shelby, she really could have her pick. No, Toni didn't get it at all. 

  


"You'll never fucking get it." Shelby's angry yell had become a defeated whisper. And it tugged at absolutely everything inside Toni and washed all the anger and annoyance away from her. 

  


  


"Come here." Toni's voice was as soft as Shelby's had just been. She reached out once again over the centre console to take Shelby as far into her arms as she could. And Shelby was crying again. "I don't want to upset you more...I'm sorry. You just deserve so much more."

  


She held Shelby, stroking at her hair and rubbing her hand up and down her back, soothing her. They stayed like that for a long time, until the parking lot was completely empty.

  


///

  


A few days later, the whole drama in the parking lot was forgotten about. Toni and Shelby didn't speak of it again and Shelby and Andrew carried on as thought it had never even happened. Toni didn't know how they'd resolved the situation but Andrew's hands all over her again at every chance he got, told her they had. 

  


Toni was sat beside Regan in the booth of a little classic American diner just outside of town. Shelby and Martha were sat opposite them, talking animatedly. 

  


After they had finished eating, they ordered some milkshakes. 

  


Regan shuffled closer to Toni in the booth and linked their arms together. Toni was slumped back, her hands in her pockets. Regan now cuddled into her side. 

  


Toni was mid conversation with Shelby when Regan made the move to link their arms and Toni watched as Shelby's eyes dropped immediately towards her milkshake. She reached out for the straw, stirring it in the glass, the conversation abruptly over. Toni kept staring at her, frowning and then laughing awkwardly when Shelby didn't continue speaking. 

  


Shelby finally looked up again when she laughed. "Sorry!" She waved her hand awkwardly, setting a tight smile in place. "Totally just had a mind blank, what was I saying?"

  


And then Shelby was talking and laughing again as if the strange little moment that just happened hadn't happened. Every time Toni glanced towards Shelby, Shelby already seemed to be looking at her or at Regan or glancing back and forth between the two of them. 

  


"Oh!" Regan suddenly sat up from Toni's side, excited. "How did I forgot to show you guys!" She pulled her arm free of Toni's and pushed the sleeve of her jacket up, extending her arm onto the table. 

  


"Look what Toni got me." She gushed as she twisted her wrist showing off a delicate little bracelet circling it. 

  


Martha gasped and reached out for Regan's hand immediately, bringing it closer to examine it. 

  


"Toni!" Martha gushed as Regan had and then dipped her lips into a little pout. "You're so sweet, it's beautiful."

  


Toni blushed, smiling uncomfortably, eyes flickering between Martha and Shelby. As soft as she was, she didn't really like people to know about it. But she supposed the three girls sat around the table were the only ones who ever really got to see her soft side anyway. 

  


Toni's eyes shifted to Shelby. Her eyelids were fluttering like she was trying to blink something out of her eye. She faltered for a moment and then beamed, pointedly not looking at Toni, instead looking to Regan. 

  


"That is just beautiful." She shook her head with a sweet smile. "Isn't that just beautiful?" She looked to Martha who was grinning over at Toni. 

  


Toni kept her eyes on Shelby seeing a new stiffness in her body that the other two girls would never notice. Regan withdrew her hand, smiling widely, curling back into Toni's side. Toni blushed when Regan reached up and placed a kiss on her cheek. She maintained Shelby's intense eye contact, their eyes turning away from each other at the same time when Regan cupped Toni's cheek, turning her head to kiss her. 

  


Shelby turned to Martha, asking her about her upcoming dancing competition, her family, anything that meant she didn't have to turn back to face the girls opposite her. 

  


A few minutes later, the check was paid and they were ready to leave. Toni and Regan went to the bathroom while Shelby and Martha waited for them at the booth. 

  


"Are you okay, Shelby?" Martha asked her the second the other two girls were out of sight. She lay a tentative hand on Shelby's knee, her face soft and concerned. "You seem a little off tonight..."

  


Shelby took a deep breath and turned to her with a smile. As soon as she met Martha's eyes she let the smile drop with a sigh. She placed her hand on top of the hand Martha had settled on her knee. "It just makes you feel a little lonely doesn't it?" 

  


"What?"

  


"Oh you know..." Shelby gestured to the now empty side of the booth, smiling sadly. "Seeing two people so...in love..." 

  


"Isn't that what you have with Andrew?" 

  


Shelby laughed loudly, closing her eyes for just a second too long. "Yes, Martha...I guess it is."

  


Martha gave her knee a soft squeeze and watched the tears well up in Shelby's eyes. Before she could say anything, Shelby had blinked them away, set her smile back in place and was getting to her feet. 

  


"Where are those two, huh?" Shelby gathered her phone and bag, smile still set. "I'll go warm up the car."

  


"I'll go check on them." Martha headed to the bathroom, unsure if she should push their conversation any further. Sometimes she had no idea what was going on in Shelby's head, it seemed to be the exact opposite of what was going on in her life. 

  


Shelby's head dropped back against the seat of the car the second she sat down, before she had even closed the door behind her. She let out a long, loud sigh, screwing her eyes shut tightly. She gave herself a moment to sit in her feelings before she shook her head, closed the door and started the engine. 

  


A few minutes later, she pulled out of the parking lot; Martha was in the passenger seat, Toni and Regan in the back. 

  


They drove in without speaking, music playing from Shelby's phone making the silence comfortable. Toni eyes shifted to the rear view mirror and found Shelby's eyes flickering between it, watching her, and the road ahead. 

  


Martha had informed Shelby that she'd caught Toni and Regan making out in the bathroom and that was why they had been taking so long. Shelby had laughed and Toni had watched her smile drop the second Martha turned away from her. And now Shelby kept giving her hard looks in the rear view mirror. Toni knew something was up but she didn't quite know what. 

  


Was it hard being around another couple when Shelby's own relationship was going to shit? Was it the fact that the couple were two girls and Shelby's old views were slowly creeping their way back into her head? Toni didn't know but she was going to find out. 

  


After a short journey, Shelby pulled to a stop outside Regan's house. Regan started to get out but Toni grabbed her arm. 

  


"Uh, I'm just gonna stay at Marty's tonight...I need to get my shit for practice sorted." Toni's eyes flickered away from Regan's as she spoke knowing she wasn't exactly telling the truth. 

  


Regan gave a little disappointed pout before settling back into the seat to give Toni a quick kiss goodbye. She thanked Shelby for the ride and made her way inside. 

  


They drove in silence all the way to Martha's house and Toni noticed the stares Shelby were giving her in the rear view weren't quite as hard as they had been moments before. 

  


"Goodnight you guys, I'll see you tomorrow." Shelby smiled sweetly as she pulled up. 

  


"Marty I'll be in in a few minutes." Toni informed her friend who was already making her way towards the house. Martha looked back at her confused but then shrugged and headed inside, waving to Shelby. 

  


Toni climbed into the front seat, closing the door behind her. 

  


Shelby looked at her expectantly, unsure what was going on. It was tense and awkward and Toni started laughing. After a second, Shelby found herself laughing too. 

  


"Dude, what the hell is going on with you lately?" Toni asked her when their laughter had faced and the tension was cut, but their smiles were still in place. She wanted to know, because whatever was going on, Shelby didn't seem happy. 

  


Shelby sighed deeply, turning to look through the windshield. 

  


"Talk to me, Shelby." Toni encouraged softly. 

  


Toni watched as she breathed deeply, opened her mouth twice to speak but closed it again, composing herself. Toni could see a fight going on in her head. She stayed silent, let Shelby think, work out what she was going to say. 

  


Shelby finally turned to her with another deep sigh. 

  


"I'm sorry if I've been actin' a little off lately..." Shelby began. "And I'm just going to say it...I guess I'm just jealous." 

  


Shelby held Toni's eyes as she spoke, she didn't blink, she didn't look away. Toni saw the tension leave her face as she spoke the words, as if she was getting something heavy off her chest. The heaviness that Shelby seemed to have just shaken off felt like it landed right in Toni's own chest. She swallowed hard, her heart thudding louder. 

  


"Of what?" She whispered. A few thoughts crossed Toni's mind, the first one being that Shelby meant she was jealous of Regan. Toni tried not to cling onto that thought as other possibilities swam through her mind. But she found herself hoping Regan's name was going to be the next thing out of Shelby's mouth. 

  


"I suppose seeing you....so happy....makes me realise I'm not." The hurt in her voice was evident and it broke Toni's heart to hear her say it. "You know, with Andrew." Shelby still didn't look away from Toni's eyes and it was almost too much for Toni, she felt like she had to look away but she didn't. 

  


"Shelby." Toni sighed sadly, reaching over the centre console to wrap her arm around her. As always, Shelby fell right into her. 

  


"I'm so happy you're happy Toni." Shelby breathed against her chest. "Lord knows you deserve it, really. I guess things just aren't great with Andrew. And lately I've been thinking a whole lot....and, I don't know..." She trailed off, Toni hugged her tighter, listening. 

  


"I feel like an awful person." She chuckled then sighed, annoyed at her own thoughts. "Because I-I see you with Regan and sometimes...sometimes my stomach just twists in this God awful envy. God, forgive me." 

  


Toni's own stomach twisted at Shelby's words. She thought of all the hard looks Shelby had given her earlier, the burning stares at Reagan. Toni knew it wasn't what Shelby meant but a pang of guilt shot through her as she found herself wishing it was. 

  


"Shelby, the whole world doesn't revolve around Andrew. The second you drop his ass, something a lot better will come along." Toni pulled out of their hug to look at Shelby as she spoke. "I promise you."

  


Shelby gave a sad little nod. Toni knew she knew it and they both knew that despite knowing it, Shelby would still do nothing about it. Because she couldn't and Toni would never understand why. It was a conversation they had had over and over. 

  


"I've said it now." Shelby shrugged. "So consider my recent weirdness O-V-E-R, over."

  


Toni laughed and rolled her eyes, making Shelby laugh too. She could still see Shelby struggling in her own head, despite the mask she was trying to fix back into place with her nonchalant comments and laughter. 

  


"The bracelet." Shelby turned to Toni, breaking out of her deep thought. "It was real nice." 

  


"Yeah." Toni cleared her throat. She couldn't quite place the emotions on Shelby's face and in her voice. "Cost me like four whole pay checks." 

  


"You really love her, huh?" Shelby was smiling sadly. Toni watched her nod to herself as she tapped her fingers across the steering wheel. When Toni didn't answer, Shelby turned to look at her again. 

  


Toni nodded. Shelby nodded back with a little sigh that dropped her right back into her seat. Toni still couldn't place the emotion in Shelby's eyes, she just knew that seeing it, whatever it was, hurt.  


  


They sat together for a while more before Shelby had to leave to make it home before her curfew. Toni kissed her forehead as she said goodbye, reiterating that there were much better things out there for Shelby. 

  


Martha was already asleep by the time Toni finally went inside, having sat on the steps staring up at the sky for some time after Shelby left. Her own thoughts were eating away at her the way Shelby's seemed to be eating away at her. 

  


Toni lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, thinking of Shelby's words, her sad eyes, her unhappiness. She thought of how quickly and easily Shelby always fell into her arms and how it felt like even now, Toni could still feel her in them. 

  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading...I hope you're all in it for the slow burn!

Toni danced over to Regan and Martha; a cup snapped between her teeth, hanging from her mouth, another drink in each hand. She thrust the drinks towards the other two girls, making sure the non-alcoholic drink went to Regan, before she took her own from between her teeth. 

  


"If one more horny teenage boy presses up against me, I swear to God..." Toni grumbled shoving the shoulder of a boy who'd just bumped into her. 

  


Regan dipped her head back in laughter at her girlfriends reaction before wrapping her arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close. She kissed against her hair, laughing happily. 

  


It was Friday night and one of the boys from the school's basketball team was throwing a party. Naturally, Toni was invited. 

  


They had been there for well over an hour now and Toni was feeling considerably drunk. 

  


Shelby on the other hand was positively wasted. 

  


Toni glanced around the room trying to spot her. The last she'd seen, Shelby been playing some drinking game with a group of her popular friends; friends that Toni didn't know all that well so she wanted to make sure she kept an eye on Shelby herself. However, Shelby was nowhere to be seen. 

  


Toni had slowed her own drinking up as a precaution. Regan was designated driver and Toni had already shared with her her concerns for Shelby. 

  


Shelby wasn't a big partier. She rarely went out at all, certainly barely ever drank. But when she did, she went all out. On this particular weekend it just so happened that her parents were out of town so Shelby grabbed the opportunity with both hands. Thankfully Andrew also happened to be busy this weekend so wasn't at the party to dampen the mood. 

  


Toni danced with Regan and Martha, finishing her drink then wrapping her arms around Regan's waist, locking her hands at the bottom of her back. She dipped her head down, kissing Regan in a soft kiss then burying her face in her hair. Regan was laughing, squeezing her tightly. Toni pulled back and pressed another kiss against her girlfriends lips, the alcohol making it deeper than Toni would have usually allowed herself in public. 

  


Toni pulled back after a moment and then spoke into Regan's ear against the music, "I'm gonna find Shelby, I'm worried about her."

  


"She's right there!" Regan called back over the music. Toni looked up to where Regan was facing and saw a very unsteady Shelby staring over at them. She was surrounded by her friends. Toni watched as Shelby looked away from her quickly, necked the drink in her hand then started making her way towards the kitchen for another. 

  


"Jesus." Regan grimaced suddenly worried about her too. Martha took hold of Regan's hand, spinning her in a circle then pulling her in gleefully as Toni followed Shelby towards the kitchen. 

  


"Be back soon." Toni kissed her again before she left. 

  


Toni found Shelby standing at the counter, trying to mix a concoction of liquids together that ended with more on the counter top than in her cup. 

  


Toni pushed up beside her, wrapping her hand around the bottle of vodka Shelby was currently trying to tip into her cup. 

  


Shelby turned her head to see who it was, smiling when she saw it was Toni. She let her take the bottle, bending her knees and laughing as she rested her weight against the counter. Toni screwed the cap back onto the bottle, shaking her head, but she couldn't help but smile at the very drunk state of her best friend. 

  


"Can you for real have some water, please?" Toni reached out for her hand which Shelby surprisingly accepted, even more surprisingly letting Toni drag her across the kitchen to the sink, laughing the whole way. 

  


Toni poured some water into a cup and handed it to her. Shelby dipped beside Toni, stumbling backwards, half of the water sloshing out of the cup onto her and the floor. This made Shelby laugh even more and once again, Toni couldn't help but to laugh with her. 

  


"You're so fucked tomorrow." Toni grinned, urging the hand Shelby had the cup in up to her mouth. Toni pushed at the cup until Shelby's head tilted back and she started to drink. Some of the water spilled down Shelby's chin. Toni automatically reached her hand out to help wipe it up. Shelby was suddenly steady on her feet as she held Toni's gaze while she wiped at her chin. "So fucked." Toni repeated, still grinning. 

  


"Come dance with me." She suggested, hoping to distract Shelby for at least a few minutes, from another drink. 

  


"I know you're tryin' to distract me." Shelby pouted, her Texan accent thicker than normal as it always was when she'd had a drink. Toni fought a smile at how even drunk, Shelby could still see right through her. Shelby had wrapped her arms around Toni's waist as she spoke, drunkenly pushing and leaning against her. Toni kept her steady. 

  


"You know you distract me." Shelby pushed her face into Toni's hair and spoke the words against her ear. Toni stiffened, hands gripping tightly onto Shelby who had stopped stumbling for a moment. Toni took a shaky breath and swallowed, afraid to pull away from Shelby and see her face. She tried not to overthink Shelby's drunk words, words that Shelby herself probably didn't even know what meant.

  


Toni didn't get too much time to overthink because Shelby had pulled away from her, immediately turning so she didn't get a chance to see her face, tugging on Toni's arm. Toni stumbled along after her. 

  


Dancing together consisted mostly of Toni making sure Shelby didn't fall and roughly pushing boys who danced too close to them away. Toni gradually backed them towards where Regan and Martha were, not wanting to make any sudden movements or decisions that would pull Shelby out of her haze of distraction and make her head back for the kitchen. 

  


When Shelby realised they were with the other girls, she wrapped her arms around Martha letting her head fall onto her chest. They swayed together and Toni wasn't sure who was keeping who up. 

  


"I think we better get her home." Toni said into Regan's ear, kissing her on the cheek after she spoke. 

  


Regan nodded. 

  


"Ladies, we're dipping." Toni wrapped her arms around her friends, they both pressed into her continuing to have the conversation Toni had interrupted. 

  


Toni repeated it a few seconds later. 

  


"I need to pee first." Shelby grumbled and started making her way towards the bathroom. 

  


"I need to puke first." 

  


Toni and Regan shared a look, a laugh and then an eye roll. 

  


"I'll get Marty." Regan nodded. 

  


"I'll get Shelby." Toni rolled her eyes again turning to see that Shelby was already out of sight. 

  


She pushed her way through the crowd hoping Shelby wasn't drunk enough to not remember where the bathroom was. 

  


Thankfully she wasn't. Toni opened the bathroom door to find Shelby already perched on the toilet smiling drunkenly to herself. 

  


"Jesus." Toni laughed as she ducked inside, locking the door behind her, not wanting someone else to walk into what she just had. 

  


She jumped up onto the counter by the sink looking to where Shelby was sat, head now dropped onto her own lap, the trickle of her pee audible. 

  


"Jesus, how the fuck are you still going?" Toni's smile dropped after a moment when the stream of Shelby's pee didn't stop. 

  


"Don't listen!" Shelby's head shot up from her lap to scold Toni, making her laugh again. Toni held her hands up innocently, kicking her legs back and forth. 

  


When Shelby was done, she stumbled her way over to the sink next to Toni. Toni grinned at her, watching as she washed her hands. 

  


When her hands were washed and dried, Shelby slotted herself between Toni's legs, dropping her head against her chest. "The worst part is I'm so drunk that when I wake up I'll still be drunk and think I'm fine..." Shelby mumbled against Toni's chest, giggling. "And then I really will not be fine."

  


"No you will not." Toni agreed, her hand coming up to the back of Shelby's head. Toni wrapped her dangling legs around Shelby for a quick second, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "But I'll make sure you survive."

  


Shelby pulled her head back, the rest of her body almost going with it if not for Toni's arms on her shoulders holding her upright. Shelby's smile faded slowly on her lips as she looked at Toni. 

  


Toni's small smile was still in place as her eyes trailed over Shelby; Shelby whose eyes were glazed over with alcohol and whose face was softened, relaxed more than Toni had seen her in a while. Shelby held her gaze intently and Toni suddenly was more aware of their closeness and the position they were in. She swallowed, remembering that Regan and Martha were waiting for them. 

  


Toni shuffled to slip off of the counter but Shelby made no attempt to move. Toni assumed she'd step back as she slipped down onto her feet but when Toni did exactly that and Shelby didn't move, they were suddenly flush against each other. 

  


An awkward laugh rose in Toni's throat but it didn't get the chance to leave her mouth because Shelby had closed the inches between their faces and her lips were about to press against Toni's. The second their lips brushed, Toni jerked her head back and then abruptly slipped off to the side. 

  


Shelby's eyes suddenly shot open and a deep pink set over her cheeks. She stared at Toni, mouth open, suddenly feeling very sober. 

  


Toni couldn't look her in the eye. She felt like every thought she'd ever had and every future thought she was going to have were all crashing in her head at the same second. All the little moments she'd second guessed over the last few weeks; every look, every touch, every word between them was now simultaneously racing through her mind. 

  


When Shelby continued to just look at her, Toni began second guessing herself again. Had she been mistaken? Had she overreacted? Was Shelby even trying to kiss her or was it just an accidental bumping of lips as one of them moved? Her mind was racing as fast as her heart seemed to be. 

  


"Toni, I - " Shelby stopped dead. 

  


Toni still couldn't meet her eyes. She was afraid. Her lips tingled where Shelby's had just brushed against them. She could still smell the alcohol mixed with Shelby's perfume when she'd slipped off the counter, she could still feel the warmth of Shelby pressed much too close against her, still feel the hardness and the softness of her body at once as she didn't move. She could feel the barely there brush of Shelby's lips against hers.

  


Through all of her seemingly endless thoughts, the same one kept repeating; she wished she hadn't moved away. A wave of guilt ripped through her and she finally made eye contact with Shelby. 

  


"Let's just go." Her voice cracked. "Forget this.." Toni waved her hands, gesturing between them. 

  


Toni's final glance at Shelby caught the blonde setting her face firmly back into place, straightening her mouth in a firm line and exhaling her thoughts and her tension. 

  


Shelby followed closely behind Toni, wordlessly, straight out to Regan's car. Martha was already in the font seat, slumped against the window, asleep. 

  


Toni flushed realising she was going to have to sit in the back with Shelby. She couldn't look at Regan, but she also couldn't not look at her. The guilt was heavy in her chest. 

  


They climbed into the back of the car, the tension between them radiating. 

  


Regan turned in the driver seat to look back at them, smiling a little smile that made Toni feel sick. The look in Regan's eyes told Toni that she knew something was up but perfect as ever, Regan said nothing, instead turning the key in the ignition and setting off. 

  


When they arrived at Shelby's house, they woke Martha up. 

  


"Marty, I'm crashing at Regan's." Toni told her but really she was telling Shelby. "You're still staying with Shelby, we're here." 

  


Shelby was already out of the car, opening the door to help Martha out. Martha went with her easily much to Toni's relief. Toni didn't know if she'd be crashing at Regan's at all, not now, but they needed to speak. 

  


When Martha was gone, Toni climbed into the front, staring out of the open window, watching Shelby unlock her front door and escort Martha inside without a look back. When the door closed, Toni continued to stare at it, not wanting to have the conversation she was about to have. 

  


Toni turned to Regan when she knew far too long had passed for her not to already have. Regan was already looking at her, a soft look in her eye that Toni knew she didn't deserve. 

  


"Um, could you...maybe drive down the street a little..." Toni cleared her throat. She didn't want to have this discussion directly outside Shelby's house. 

  


  


///

  


"I think i know what you're going to say." Regan's voice was gentle and calm and the pure goodness of the girl next to her amazed Toni. 

  


Toni's head was tilted back against the seat, her bottom lip sucked between her teeth. She kept her head in that position, pointing at the windshield, but shifted her eyes to Regan. 

  


"Shelby kissed you." There was no anger in her voice which made it all the worse for Toni. 

  


The problem was that if it had been anyone else, some other girl, any other girl coming onto Toni at a party, it would be absolutely nothing. She'd feel no guilt. She'd probably laugh about it with Regan, tease her about it. Because it was nothing. Toni hadn't physically done anything wrong, in fact she'd done everything right. She hadn't allowed it to happen. 

  


But it wasn't some other girl. It was Shelby. And that was the problem. They both knew that. 

  


"No." Toni shook her head. "We didn't kiss, it wasn't a kiss...it really wasn't. She...I mean, our lips barely touched." Toni's face was twisted with her emotions as she tried to explain.

  


Regan sat patiently, listening, letting her. 

  


"Regan, I swear, our lips barely even touched. I didn't do that. I wouldn't do that to you. But I just need to tell you something happened." Toni was crying, tears slipping slowly and silent down her cheeks. She made no move to wipe them away. Her teeth were clenched in frustration. 

  


"Toni, I believe you." Regan reached her hand out, taking Toni's into her lap and holding it tightly. Toni let out a shaky breath. 

  


Toni wondered if she deserved to be believed so easily. She hadn't done anything wrong physically but for the last two weeks, she'd been battling hard with her thoughts, trying desperately to prevent some of them slipping to the forefront of her mind. 

  


"I appreciate you telling me straight away. And respecting me enough to not kiss her back..." Regan pulled Toni's hand up to her lips and pressed a soft kiss against the back of it. It made a few tears slip down Toni's cheeks quicker than the rest had. "Because I know that must have been hard for you to do when you feel the way you do about her." 

  


Toni's face immediately fell into a deep frown. She met Regan's still soft gaze and shook her head. Regan had only ever questioned their friendship once, asking Toni if Shelby had feelings for her. Toni had scoffed and brushed it off but Regan had insisted she thought she did. Regan trusted her completely and never questioned their friendship again. But she sometimes made comments about the things Shelby said or the way that she looked at Toni. Toni always brushed it off. But Regan must have seen something Toni didn't because this happening didn't seem to come as a surprised to Regan at all. In fact, it was as though she had been waiting for it to happen. 

  
What came as a surprise to Toni was Regan voicing that Toni might feel anything for Shelby. She had no idea Regan had ever considered that, she'd never mentioned it to her. 

  


"Please don't think anything has happened." Toni pleaded, her bottom lip shaking.The guilt she felt for the feelings and thoughts she'd pressed so deep down in herself was already more than she could handle. She couldn't have Regan thinking she hadn't been loyal to her. "I swear that's the only thing that's ever happened." It was true. There had never been anything else like that happen, nothing had happened between them that also hadn't happened between Toni and Martha or Shelby and Martha. 

  


"Toni, I know." Regan laughed sadly, squeezing Toni's hand again. "But I know you love her."

  


The words hit Toni like a speed train. 

  


She frowned again. Everything felt like it was happening so fast. Just an hour ago they'd been dancing and having fun. Then Shelby had tried to kiss her and now she was sat in the car with her girlfriend, her girlfriend who was telling her she knew she loved someone else. Regan said it as if it was nothing, as if it was an absolute fact, something she'd known for a long time. Toni opened her mouth to protest, to deny it. But she couldn't. She was afraid it would be a lie if she didn't. She didn't know how she felt. Everything was moving too quickly for her to grab hold of. Regan being so sure of what she was saying was the worst part of it because Toni must have unknowingly given her reasons to think what she was. 

  


"I guess I was hoping you loved me more." Tears brimmed in Regan's eyes while she spoke but she still set a soft smile on her lips. "And while it totally fucking sucks that it turns out you don't...I just want you to be happy." Regan was resigned to her words. Toni couldn't believe what was happening. It was clear that this had been something Regan had thought about, considered for a while and Toni had been clueless. 

  


Toni let out a sob, shaking her head again. She was overwhelmed with the speed at which things had happened tonight, at how Regan had made up her mind. Her eyes remained on Regan's, watching as the tears spilled down her cheeks too. Toni reached out with her free hand and brushed them away again and again. Regan's smile never fell. 

  


Toni wanted to deny it all, say it wasn't true. But she couldn't. She hadn't had time to figure it out for herself yet, figure out how she felt. Regan mentioning it felt like it had already dragged something up to the surface for her. Something she'd spent so long and tried so hard to bury as deep down in herself as she could.

  


"I love you." Was all Toni could say. And she meant it, from the absolute bottom of her heart she meant it. 

  


"I love you, too." Another sad laugh. "I love you enough to let you be happy. And I love me enough to not compete with someone else for someone's love." 

  


Toni choked out another soft sob. Regan couldn't be any more perfect if she tried and it was suddenly hitting Toni what she was about to lose. 

  


"I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose this." Toni dropped her hand on top of Regan's hand that was clasped over hers and squeezed. 

  


"I'm just gonna need a little bit of time, okay?" Toni nodded her head. Whatever Regan wanted or needed, Toni would do. 

  


Everything seemed like it was happening so suddenly but it also felt like it had been heading this way for a while. Toni had dismissed her feelings and all the little things that had been happening between her and Shelby for weeks. So much so that she'd never given herself time to properly think about it. She hadn't dared think how she felt about Shelby but when Regan said it, she couldn't deny it and that said enough. 

  


She watched tears continue to fall from Regan's eyes and felt guilty and selfish. 

  


They didn't say anything else as Regan started the engine and drove Toni to Martha's house. 

  


Toni couldn't leave the car until Regan leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 

  


"Goodnight, Toni." Regan's voice still soft and warm. 

  


"Goodnight." Toni whispered back. She stood in the same place, watching silently as Regan pulled off and made her way out of sight down the dark street. 

  


Toni stood silently staring after her long after she was gone.

  



	5. Chapter 5

It had been a pretty shitty week for Toni to say the least; a week since her girlfriend had broken up with her, a week since her best friend had tried to kiss her and had since went to every length to pretended she didn't exist. 

  


When it was clear to Toni on the weekend after Shelby had tried to kiss her that she had no intention of returning any of her texts or phone calls, she told Martha that starting Monday she was going to school early and staying late for basketball practice. Toni didn't want to drag Martha down into their mess. She also didn't want to bring any attention to the fact something was wrong between her and Shelby. 

  


For the rest of the week, Toni tried to avoid Martha as much as she possibly could. It was surprisingly easy considering she lived with her. She left in the morning before Martha had woken and got back at night when she was already asleep. 

  


Martha seemed oblivious so Shelby can't have told her anything either. 

  


Toni had left Regan alone, giving her space like she asked. But she text Shelby everyday, telling her that ignoring each other was ridiculous and that they needed to talk. The read receipts told her that Shelby didn't think it was quite as ridiculous as she thought it was. 

  


On Thursday morning, Toni's week was made a little worse when she watched across the parking lot as Shelby wrapped her hands around Andrew's face and kissed him. Toni knew it was a show. Moments before Shelby happened to catch Toni staring over at her, she'd turned immediately on her heels, flicking her hair over her shoulder and taking hold of Andrew's face. 

  


Andrew of course was eating up his girlfriends attention, thinking maybe she'd finally come around, after months of being even more off with him than usual. 

  


Toni screwed her face up as she watched the display, rolling the basketball over the ground, back and forth between her hands. When Shelby pulled away from Andrew, she glanced back at the steps were Toni was sat to find Toni still staring. 

  


Toni shook her head to herself, almost wanting to laugh. She had no clue what Shelby was playing at. 

  


Before Toni had even made the decision, she found herself kicking the basketball at her feet hard in Shelby's direction. She got to her feet, watching it bounce along the ground towards Shelby, following it. 

  


Andrew trapped the ball under his feet when it rolled over his shoes. He bent to pick it up and glanced over to see Toni stalking towards him. Andrew grinned smugly, pulling an unsuspecting Shelby into his side with his free hand. 

  


Shelby stiffened when she saw Toni right in front of her, leaning further into Andrew. Toni noticed it took Shelby a second longer than usual to fix a tight smile on her face. 

  


"Thanks." Toni's voice was flat, she didn't break eye contact with Andrew. She reached her hands out for Andrew to throw the ball and after a second he roughly pushed it into her hands. Toni kept her cool. 

  


She dropped her gaze to Shelby who was looking anywhere but at her. 

  


"You got a minute?" She asked trying to keep her voice as smooth as possible. It was the first time Toni had been close enough to speak to Shelby in person all week. 

  


"No." Shelby replied coldly, finally making eye contact. 

  


Toni simply nodded. 

  


She turned on her heels, knowing Shelby would be staring after her, and walked directly to the white Mercedes parked a few feet away. Without a word, Toni hopped up onto the hood. 

  


"What on earth are you doing?" Shelby spluttered. Toni clasped her hands over the basketball in her lap and watched Shelby angrily stalk over to her. 

  


Toni didn't say anything, she just held Shelby's faltering gaze. Shelby was breathing heavily, standing in front of her, the distance Shelby made sure to maintain between them almost comical. 

  


They said nothing, just stared at each other. Andrew called over to Shelby telling her they were going to be late for class but Shelby waved him away dismissively. When the parking lot around them emptied as people made their way inside, Toni finally spoke. 

  


"Open the car, we're going to talk about whatever the hell is going on." 

  


Shelby took a deep breath, frustrated and annoyed, still staring at Toni. Toni said nothing else. 

  


After a moment, Shelby huffed, defeated, and marched over to the drivers side. Only when Toni heard the door open then slam closed did she hop off the hood. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure she hadn't actually damaged the car, relieved to see it was still in pristine condition. 

  


She climbed into the passenger seat, closing the door behind her. 

  


She could tell Shelby was flustered, uncomfortable and frustrated. It was radiating off of her, filling the air inside the car. 

  


"Why haven't you answered any of my texts?" Toni got straight to the point, she'd given Shelby time and space for a week and they'd gotten nowhere. 

  


Shelby had a tight angry smile forced on her lips, she shook her head but said nothing. 

  


"Shelby you can ignore my texts and my calls...and ignore me when I'm literally sat here right in fucking front of you...but none of that changes the fact you tried to kiss me." 

  


Shelby scoffed, staring straight ahead. 

  


"It's like no big fucking deal." Toni went on, shrugging, her tone softer than before. "You were drunk, I was drunk, shit like that happens and doesn't mean anything. I just don't get why you're now pretending I don't fucking exist over it."

  


"You're right I was drunk!" Shelby turned to her flustered, her face stern. "I was drunk and I don't remember what happened and then you're bombarding me with texts and phone calls and it's...it's just too much for me!" Shelby didn't take a breath, her cheeks flushed red. 

  


Toni scanned her face, the million little tells Shelby had giving away that she was lying. Toni had tried to call her twice and sent one message each day since Friday, it was hardly a bombardment. 

  


"You remember." Toni shook her head. 

  


"I don't fucking remember!" Shelby turned to look at her, her voice harsh and shaking. 

  


Toni said nothing. She could read Shelby like a book. She kept everything buried deep down so well but once it was spilling out, even God couldn't help her. 

  


"I'm not like that." Shelby sighed, clearly exasperated, but needing to fill the tense silence as Toni knew she would. She pushed her hair behind her ears, and continued, voice still shaking, "I'm not like that, I'm not like you. Drunk or not."

  


"Wow." Toni laughed, sucking her lower lip between her teeth. Her fingers drummed on top of the basketball in her lap. "Like me, huh?"

  


"That's not what I mean, Toni." Shelby's face finally softened, the anger fizzling out. "You know I don't judge you...I just am not..."

  


"Yeah." Toni cut her off sharply. 

  


"Look, Toni." Shelby shifted in her seat now facing her. "I don't remember what happened."

  


Toni didn't break eye contact, watching Shelby's eyes flicker, but remain on hers. They stared at each other for a long, quiet moment. Toni couldn't see anger anymore, all she could see was sadness and fear in her eyes. It dispelled some of her own annoyance at the situation. 

  


The lack of answers from Shelby had actually spoken volumes to Toni. She was trying to piece everything together with the information she had. She thought back to recent moments between them, how she'd know something was different but couldn't quite put her finger on it. She still couldn't. 

  


Shelby had gone from trying to kiss her on Friday to making borderline homophobic comments on Thursday. She'd gone from tearing away from her boyfriends touch to being all over him in the school parking lot. She'd gone from calling Toni every night to ignoring her for days. 

  


Had it really just been a silly drunken thing that had now brought all of the hate and homophobia Shelby had buried deep in her back to the surface? What was the alternative? That Shelby had wanted to kiss her and didn't know what it meant for her so now she was running away as far and fast as she could? Toni didn't dare to hope to believe it. She had to remind herself to separate her own feelings from what she thought was going on with Shelby. 

  


"Regan broke up with me." Toni shrugged sadly. She didn't know what else to say. If Shelby insisted that she didn't remember anything had even happened then what was there to talk about?

  


Toni watched Shelby's face closely when she said it. 

  


Shelby's mouth dropped open first. And then she closed it. The little bit of anger left in her eyes faded completely and was replaced by a genuinely sad look. Her breathing quickened. 

  


"Oh, Toni." Shelby sighed sadly, she moved to reach out for Toni but stopped herself. 

  


Toni just nodded. 

  


"When did this happen?"

  


"I mean, I don't think you could possibly be madder at me or hate me more right now so I may as well be honest." Toni braced herself. "I told her about what happened."

  


Toni saw the panic set in immediately; the flash of worry in Shelby's widened eyes, the sharp intake of breath followed by the increased rate of breathing, the fumbling hands unsure what to touch, what to do. 

  


"You - you told her." It was breathed out in a whisper. Shelby repeated it again. 

  


"Shelby, you know Regan." Toni reassured her. "You know she'd never say a word."

  


Shelby had gripped both hands on the steering wheel, unsure what else to do. She just nodded over and over. 

  


"Are you okay?" Shelby suddenly turned to her. Amidst Shelby's panic and worry, she was still concerned about Toni, it made her heart melt and for a second Toni forgot everything that was going on. She thought back to what Regan said in the car, about how she felt for Shelby. 

  


"Uh not really..." Toni laughed. "I lost my girlfriend and my best friend in the same night, so you know...things could be better." 

  


Shelby softened completely at that. She could see the genuine sadness and hurt all over Toni's face. Hurt and sadness she knew she had been a large part of causing. 

  


"Wait, so she broke up with you for that?" Shelby suddenly frowned. "I barely even..." She stopped abruptly mid sentence realising what she was admitting to. 

  


Toni raised her eyebrows and huffed. "So you do remember?"

  


Shelby flushed and looked down to her lap. 

  


"It's forgotten, Shelby, okay?" Toni sighed heavily. "Do whatever you need to do. If that's not speaking to me, I guess I have to get used to that huh?" Toni started shuffling in the chair, getting ready to leave. 

  


"But if you want to be cool, we're cool." Toni opened the door. "Cause I could kinda use my best friend after getting my ass dumped."

  


Toni gave her a small smile, got out of the car, closing the door behind her without another word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't want to feel like things are moving too fast. Shelby and Regan's talk was originally going to be it's own chapter but I've combined it with the chapter that would have followed. But I hope the sense of time between the events happening will still be evident and things don't feel like they're happening too fast!
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm kind of losing it with this fic but I do still have an idea of where I want it to go so I will persevere if people want it.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me..." 

  


The moment Regan sat down, Shelby felt the need to speak. She had almost stood up from her seat when Regan approached the table, she wasn't quite sure what to do with herself. 

  


Shelby was prepared for the awkwardness, the discomfort, the shame, the embarrassment. She was prepared for it all. It had taken her two very long weeks of thinking and processing but Toni meant more to her than anything else in the world. And Shelby had been the cause of Toni's girlfriend breaking up with her and the guilt was more than she could take. 

  


Regan ordered a drink and smiled gently at Shelby across the table between them. 

  


Shelby had deliberately chosen seats at the very back of the coffee shop, far away from any prying ears. 

  


"How are you?" Shelby asked awkwardly, fiddling with her hands on top of the table. 

  


Regan laughed softly and Shelby cringed at herself, shooting Regan an apologetic look. 

  


"Shall we just get to the point?" There was no bitterness in Regan's tone. 

  


Shelby found herself just looking at the girl across from her for a moment. She was beautiful. And she just might be the best person Shelby knew. Shelby had after all, just a few weeks ago, kissed her girlfriend, causing them to break up. But Regan was sat opposite her now, a warm smile on her face, open and inviting. 

  


"Regan, I am so sorry." Shelby's words were sincere, from the absolute bottom of her heart. She couldn't imagine the hurt she had caused them both. Andrew was cheating on her and that hurt, even though she didn't care about him. It still hurt her pride, her ego. And Shelby knew it was a lot more than that that had been hurt between Toni and Regan. 

  


"I know." 

  


Shelby glanced around them nervously before she spoke. She didn't know if the words were going to be able to come out but she had to try. 

  


"I was really drunk, you saw how drunk I was." She began, her eyes still flickering around nervously. "I-I tried to kiss her." Shelby pushed the words out awkwardly with another quick glance around.

  


Regan listened, letting Shelby speak. 

  


"She did not let it happen. It was a stupid drunken thing and she was drunk too. Even then she didn't let it happen." Shelby was shaking her head, she felt like there was so much emotion in her wanting to burst out. Regan had to know exactly what happened and exactly what didn't. 

  


"Regan, she loves you so much." Shelby swallowed thickly realising she sounded sad about it, adjusting her voice as best she could to hide it. "You're so good for her. You're so good to her."

  


Shelby could tell that Regan was getting upset and she cursed herself for not having the exact right words to say to avoid it.

  


"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to make it right." Regan looked at her thoughtfully as she spoke. 

  


"Answer me one question, honestly."

  


Shelby nodded but a hot flush instantly swept over her skin. A sense of dread swept over her as she anticipated the question.

  


"When she pulled away, before you could kiss her...you wish she didn't right?"

  


Shelby dropped her gaze to the table, realising when she did that she'd just answered the question without saying anything. When she looked back up, Regan still had the same soft smile on her face. 

  


"One thing Toni is is loyal, right? Like right to the core." Shelby nodded her head as Regan spoke. "I knew it already but the fact she didn't kiss you back when I know how much she must have wanted to..."

  


"What?" Shelby's head snapped up and she scoffed. "Nothing like that has ever happened between us. She's my best friend. "

  


"Shelby, I know." Regan soothed sensing the panic in her tone. "I'm not here to accuse you of anything or make you feel guilty or bad. I want Toni to be happy."

  


"I do too." Shelby sighed sadly. They both looked at each other for a long silent moment. 

  


"Shelby I don't know how you feel." Regan went on with a soft smile. "But I know how Toni feels. And I think you should talk to her."

  


"How does Toni feel?" The words were immediately out of her mouth before she could stop them. She kicked herself, embarrassed and guilty. 

  


"This is a pretty fucked up conversation to be having with your best friend who you tried to kiss at a party's ex-girlfriend, huh?" Regan chuckled, wrapping her hands around her drink. Shelby felt a hot flush wash over her entire body. 

  


"God, I'm sorry." 

  


"Shelby, it's cool." Shelby couldn't help but admire the girl across from her, her softness, her kindness, her absolute undeniable love for Toni. Shelby could very clearly see exactly what Toni saw in her. "It's not your fault. She can't help how she feels...or I guess it actually totally is your fault she's fallen in love with you."

  


Regan's eyes were as sad as her voice as she said the words but she braced her face with a tight smile.

  


"I don't-"

  


"Talk to her."Regan cut her off with a sad laugh. Regan knew how hard it could sometimes be for Toni to talk about her feelings and she could now see that Shelby didn't seem to be much better. And the truth was, it was absolutely breaking her heart having to tell someone else the girl she loved, loved them.  


They didn't say much more. Shelby's mind was swimming with Regan's words and she could barely concentrate on the little conversation they did have. They parted with an awkward hug that they both acknowledged with a laugh. Regan told her she was going to keep her distance for now, needing some space and time. 

  


///

  


A few days after Shelby's conversation with Regan, Toni had been thrilled to finally see Shelby's name flash up on her phone. It had been almost 3 weeks since the kiss, since the break up, since Shelby had cut off all contact. The only time they'd spoken in those three weeks was in Shelby's car, a few days ago. 

  


Toni text her back immediately accepting the invite over to her house on Friday. Shelby had specifically mentioned that she was inviting Martha too, a fact Toni was glad about. Toni had had to explain to Martha that she and Shelby weren't really speaking at the moment. She blamed Andrew and Martha didn't have to ask anything else. 

  


When Friday evening finally rolled around, it still hadn't been enough time for Toni to prepare for the familiar honk of the familiar white Mercedes pulling up outside Martha's house. Her stomach fluttered nervously at the noise and she found herself trailing closely behind Martha all the way out to the car. 

  


Martha, thank God for her, climbed into the front seat without hesitation. 

  


"Girls, the cookies I've just baked for ya'll are absolutely to die for. If I do say so myself." Shelby beamed proudly as soon as they got into the car. "They'll still be hot on the counter!" 

  


And then Martha and Shelby were talking excitedly about baking and cookies in the front, letting Toni relax in the back, the tension she'd been holding onto for days easing away. Toni was more than happy to just get back to normal, or try to, without an awkward conversation. 

  


Shelby caught Toni's eye only once in the rear view mirror, but she smiled warmly at her, a smile which Toni happily returned, the tension fading completely. 

  


The cookies were in fact to die for just like Shelby had said. Shelby grinned at her friends as they gathered around the freshly baked treats and watched intently as they took their first bites, dancing excitedly when they expressed their approval. 

  


The night went much the same as all their other Friday night sleepovers went. They got pizza, watched a movie, Shelby tried out a new pageant make-up look on Martha and they shared funny videos with each other on their phones. 

  


When Martha asked Shelby if she could use her shower because the pageant make up Shelby had piled onto her face made her feel gross, Shelby and Toni were left alone for the first time.

  


Shelby was sat on the edge of her bed looking over to Toni who was laid on her back on the floor, playing on her phone. They sat in silence for a few minutes after Martha left, the tension that had blissfully been gone for the last few hours, slowly creeping back in. 

  


"So...thank you for just like, coming and pretending I haven't been the worlds worst friend for the last few weeks." 

  


"Yeah, you totally like ripped my shoulder to cry on right out from underneath me." Toni laughed, settling her phone down on her chest, putting her hands behind her head. She really didn't want the awkward conversation. Not because there weren't things she had to say and things she wanted to speak about but because she worried that things were fragile right now and she didn't want to risk going back to where they had been recently. 

  


Shelby smiled back at her shyly, apologetically. "You wanna come cry on it now?" She raised her eyebrows playfully, patting her shoulder. 

  


Toni barked a laugh and rolled her eyes. "I dunno...don't want to get too close, you know? Last time we were within touching distance, I gave you amnesia..." Toni hinted at Shelby pretending to forget she had tried to kiss her. 

  


"Okay, I deserve that." Shelby held her hands up and nodded. Toni laughed again thinking that was exactly how far to push it to and no further; enough to ease the tension between them but not enough to make it awkward. 

  


A drunken almost kiss between friends and now it seemed to be forgotten. Toni wished that it wasn't but if forgetting it meant they'd be friends then she'd take it. 

  


Shelby smoothed out the bed sheets under her hands, looking around the room, eyes always stopping on Toni for just long enough that Toni wouldn't feel it and catch her. Toni had picked up her phone again and was scrolling through it, letting things play out naturally between them.

  


Shelby was glad when Martha returned, jumping up off the bed and gathering her own things to go shower. 

  


"I didn't know if I should try to be as quick as I could or like give you guys some time to talk....so I went with a happy medium" Martha sat beside Toni when Shelby left. 

  


Toni laughed, her heart swelling at her sweet friend and her ever pure intentions. "You nailed the timing."

  


"Are you guys good?" Martha played with the fabric of Toni's sweats over her thigh. "Can we go back to normal now?"

  


"We're cool." Toni nodded, as happy to say it as Martha was to hear it. 

  


By the time Toni had finished showering, Shelby and Martha were already lying in bed. Martha was on the air mattress on the floor as always and Shelby was on one side of her bed. Toni knew the other side was left for her but she felt awkward to assume that she'd be sleeping there. 

  


Shelby must have already considered this herself because Toni only had to stand by the door for a few tense seconds before Shelby looked over to her and cocked her head towards the bed with a soft smile. 

  


This was a situation Toni spent more time than she'd care to admit thinking about; getting into her best friend's bed again after weeks of not speaking, after said best friend had tried to kiss her resulting in her girlfriend breaking up with her. The part about this that Toni always got stuck on was the part where Shelby had tried to kiss her.

  


Shelby lay further to the side of the bed than Toni could ever remember her doing so she followed suit, leaving a comically large gap between them. As they lay in the quiet darkness with only the soft sound of Martha's snores, Toni began to laugh out loud thinking about it. She tired to conceal it but her body shook, shaking the bed with it which only made her laugh more. She felt Shelby shift, turning her head she could see through the darkness that she was now staring over at her. When Toni didn't stop laughing, Shelby started laughing too. 

  


"What on Earth are we laughing at?" Shelby finally took a deep breath. 

  


"How fucking dumb we are." Toni answered immediately, still laughing. 

  


Shelby shuffled herself into the middle of the bed without another word, on her side. Toni turned her head to face her, remaining on her back. 

  


Their laughter eventually stopped and they lay in the quiet, looking at each other. 

  


"Did Regan tell you she and I had spoken?" Shelby asked. 

  


Toni swallowed. The mention of the girls name still made her feel guilty. Regan hadn't been ready to speak to Toni yet and while Toni understood, it still hurt a little that she'd managed to speak to Shelby. 

  


"What about?" Her voice was lower than Shelby's. Toni knew Martha was a heavy sleeper but she still felt weary, anxious that something could happen to cause her and Shelby not to speak again. 

  


"She said you had feelings for me." Shelby didn't hesitate. Toni's heart stopped. When it started again, it was thudding so hard against her chest that she could feel it in her stomach. 

  


Toni hadn't expected a conversation at all. Shelby had ignored her for weeks, they'd had a tense conversation in her car and then seemingly out of the blue Shelby had text her. She thought they had a unspoken agreement that everything was forgotten and things were just going to carry on as if nothing had happened. 

  


Toni kept eye contact with Shelby as her mouth hung open, drying out. She tried desperately to control the volume and frequency of her breathing but the darkness seemed to intensify both. 

  


"Is that true?" Shelby spoke again when Toni said nothing, did nothing. Toni was completely taken aback. She wondered if Regan had really told her that and why she had if that was the case. 

  


"Toni." Shelby inched closer breaking Toni out of her daze. Toni still said nothing. 

  


What would Shelby's reaction be to the answer? If Toni said maybe, if Toni said yes? Would she run away again, leave her hanging for weeks again? She had a boyfriend, what did any of it matter anyway?

  


"Can I ask you a question?" Shelby got no reply. 

  


"Is that why you hate Andrew so much?" She continued to press, her voice still a whisper. Toni could feel the heat from her body, she was that close. Toni felt like she was frozen in place, unable to speak or move or think. There wasn't a thing that she could say that didn't result in the chance of Shelby running away again. 

  


"I hate Andrew because he hurts you." Toni finally spoke, her throat so dry it made it physically painful to say the words. Her voice was flat for all the emotions she was currently feeling. She felt like this is what Shelby must always feel like setting all her masks in place. 

  


"I can't break up with him." Shelby sighed, sad and disappointed, as if Toni had asked. 

  


"Okay, Shelby." Toni whispered back, closing her eyes for a moment before she said it. 

  


The tension was thick in the air. Toni's neck was stiffening turned to face Shelby the way it was so she shuffled onto her side, making sure to put a few inches more between them as subtly as possible as she did. 

  


Shelby was chewing her lower lip in contemplation. Toni just looked at her, realising it must have been the conversation she had with Regan that spurred her on to rekindle their friendship. Toni wanted to ask exactly what was said but she was afraid to know. She didn't want to know just how much Regan herself knew and how much she'd told Shelby. Although, Toni knew anything Regan said would have been with the purest intentions. 

  


"Can I ask you another question?" Shelby broke the silence again. 

  


"What?" Toni answered this time. 

  


"Was what Regan said true?" Toni could see a desperate look in Shelby's eyes. Toni wondered if Shelby wanted her to say yes or to say no. 

  


"Why do you care?" It's all Toni could say back, the safe option. "You have a boyfriend and we're pretending nothing happened, right?" Toni knew her voice wasn't quite as steady as it had been before. She could barely hear her own whisper over her pounding heart. 

  


They never looked away from each other, barely blinking. So when Shelby's face faltered, Toni seen it. 

  


"Right." Shelby eventually whispered, staring at Toni's face set hard and unchanging much as Shelby's always was. 

  


Toni let out a soft sigh. They'd been fine tonight, it had almost seemed normal but Toni couldn't help but wonder if she'd hear from Shelby when she left her house in the morning. She rolled back onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. 

  


She could hear Shelby's soft breaths beside her, she listened to them intently, waiting for her to fall asleep. 

  


"Can I ask you one more question?" A long few minutes had passed since they spoke, Toni had nearly fallen asleep herself despite her worries. 

  


The question made her stomach twist. She wondered if either of them were about to say something that would mean Toni had to get up and leave in the middle of the night, if either of them were about to say something that would put another dent in their friendship. 

  


Toni took a deep, anxious breath, turning to Shelby as she spoke. "What?"

  


"If we're pretending nothing ever happened, can we actually pretend nothing ever happened?" Toni didn't know what she meant but Shelby spoke again before she could ask. 

  


"You always cuddle me." Shelby looked over at Toni through her eyelashes. Toni couldn't see the blush on her cheeks but she knew it was there. She didn't think she had ever seen or heard Shelby so vulnerable. It made her heart twist in her chest and a flood of warmth settled in her stomach. Her entire being ached to shift the few inches between them and kiss Shelby. 

  


But she couldn't. 

  


She just nodded and Shelby was immediately pushed up against her side and Toni felt like she was floating. 

  


Shelby settled her head into the crook of Toni's neck, draping her arm and leg over her tiny frame. 

  


Toni felt like she was endlessly sinking into the bed, every bit of tension and worry leaving her. It took her a second to raise her arms and wrap them around Shelby's body but when she did, something felt like it had just slipped into place. 

  


Shelby was breathing heavily into the crook of her neck, the pattern telling Toni she was trying hard to control it and slow it down. Toni could feel the hot puffs of air against her skin, it sent goosebumps rising down her arms. 

  


After another few moments, Toni began stroking her hand up and down Shelby's back, Shelby sighing contently. 

  


"I've missed you."

  


"I've missed you, too."

  


She could feel Shelby's lips close to her skin, if she moved a single millimetre they would be pressed against her neck. She wondered if it was deliberate. 

  


They lay like that together for a very long time before both of their minds and bodies stilled enough to fall asleep. 

  


If they could have this again, Toni could keep pretending.

  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive feedback! Encouraged me to get this already mostly written chapter finished and out! This is the last chapter I've already written anything for so the next update may take a little longer.

Another week had passed since Toni had slept over at Shelby's and as agreed they were very much pretending nothing had happened. 

  


Everything carried on as normal and it worked. Toni realised it worked because nothing had actually changed at all. Regan was right in what she'd said and right for breaking up with her; nothing had changed because those feelings Toni had had always been there, they weren't new. 

  


Her stomach still twisted every time she watched Andrew wrap his arm around Shelby's shoulder, every time they touched or kissed, every time he even looked at her. Toni couldn't stand it. But she'd never been able to. It's just that it had taken Regan pointing out the reason why. 

  


So, nothing had changed. Not really. 

  


Shelby called Toni each night and they spoke on the phone, although sometimes for hours longer than they used to. Toni was just a little more excited to see the familiar white car in front of Martha's house every morning and she found herself searching across corridors and hallways and parking lots for Shelby more than usual. 

  


Things hadn't really changed, Toni just realised why she was doing the things she did. So, her life was good, a far cry from a few weeks ago when everything had happened. Regan had even started texting her again. 

  


It was a Friday morning when Regan called to ask if she wanted to hang out after school. Toni replied with a nervous but immediately yes. 

  


Regan had to buy a new piece for her saxophone so Toni went with her to a little music store outside of town. Afterwards they headed back into town and did some more shopping. 

  


It was comfortable and easy, just like it always was with Regan. There was no awkwardness or bitterness between them, both girls glad they hadn't lost the core of their relationship; their friendship. 

  


Regan even linked arms with Toni the same way she used to as they walked through the streets, going from store to store. 

  


They went for food afterwards, Regan briefly mentioned that she'd spoken to Shelby the week before. Toni didn't need to know much more and she still felt a little twinge of guilt speaking about Shelby to Regan so she had quickly changed the subject. 

  


When Regan dropped Toni off at Martha's they sat outside talking in the car for a while. 

  


The only awkward moment of the whole day was when Shelby's car pulled up next to them just as Toni had reached out to hug Regan goodbye. 

  


As soon as Martha had closed the door of the car behind her, Shelby quickly pulled away, making it that little bit more awkward. 

  


Toni shared a tense look with Regan who quickly offered her a warm, reassuring smile. 

  


Martha came to the car and they spoke for a few minutes before Toni got out and Regan drove off with a wave. 

  


  


///

  


Shelby didn't call that evening, the first time she hadn't since they'd started speaking again. 

  


Toni called her instead. The phone rang 8 times before Shelby picked up. Toni imagined her watching it ring, contemplating whether or not to answer. She was glad when she finally did. 

  


"Too busy to call me tonight, huh?" Toni tried to start the conversation light. 

  


There was a long pause of silence before Shelby spoke. 

  


"Kinda looked like you were the busy one." There it was. Toni knew Shelby must have seen her with Regan. Was she upset that Toni hadn't told her she was speaking to Regan again? Toni wondered if it was more.

  


She could sense the atmosphere and hear Shelby's tone and it wasn't going to end well over the phone. 

  


"Are you home?" Toni asked, getting to her feet from where she was perched on Martha's bed. She grabbed her sweater, holding her phone between her ear and shoulder. Just as she was trying to slip it on without the phone falling, Martha came into the room giving her a strange look. Toni held up a finger and mouthed 'one minute'. 

  


"Yes." The same tone. 

  


"I'm coming over." Toni slipped her shoes on. 

  


"No, Toni." Shelby sighed into the phone after a moment of hesitation. "I'm tired."

  


"Please?" Toni glanced at herself in the mirror, pushing her hair back and looking herself over. There was another pause. "I'd really like to see you."

  


Toni heard a sharp intake of breath down the phone followed a second later by a frustrated groan and then a little laugh. "Okay, sweet talker."

  


Toni grinned. "I'll be like 30 minutes."

  


"Shut up, I'm getting in the car now." Shelby rolled her eyes, Toni could hear the change in her tone, she sounded happy and excited now. 

  


She glanced at the time, realising how late it was. 10.20pm. Shelby seemed to read her mind. 

  


"I'm sneakin out to sneak back in." She laughed. "We'll have to come through the back."

  


10 minutes later, Toni was climbing into the front seat. After another 10 minutes, they were edging in through the back door and tip toeing though the house to Shelby's bedroom.

  


"You realise you've come all this way just to sleep, right?" Shelby laughed after the excitement had died down. She was already in her pyjamas, the ones with her initials sewn into the pockets that Toni always teased her about. 

  


Without a word, Shelby was rummaging through her drawers to find the shorts and t shirt that Toni liked to sleep in when she'd forgotten to bring her own stuff. She threw them at Toni who only managed to catch the shorts, the t shirt wrapping around her head. 

  


She pulled it off to find Shelby already tucking herself under the sheets. 

  


"What can I say? I got worried when you didn't call." Toni shrugged, playing it cool. "I was preparing myself for three weeks of no contact again."

  


"Shut up." Shelby rolled her eyes but smiled still. 

  


Toni started to slip her sweat pants off and watched as Shelby quickly averted her eyes, clearing her throat awkwardly. Toni smirked. 

  


When she was dressed, she climbed into bed beside Shelby. The only light in the room coming from a small glowing lamp on Shelby's dresser. 

  


They lay on their sides facing each other for a moment in silence. 

  


"Do I need to be worried about anything?" Toni finally asked. She spoke with a playful hint but her question was serious, she couldn't go through the no speaking thing with Shelby again. 

  


"Considering you're currently lyin' in my bed after demanding to come here...no." Shelby's tone was also playful. 

  


A moment passed and a serious look settled over Shelby's face. Toni knew she had more to say, there was a reason she hadn't called. 

  


But Toni had to be careful because they were pretending nothing had ever happened, after all. She had to keep any niggling or not so niggling feelings to herself. So she let Shelby lay in silence and just look at her. 

  


"I guess I didn't call because..." Shelby began, her voice almost a whisper when it didn't really need to be, as though Martha was lying on the floor beside them. "You know, I saw you with Regan when I was droppin' Martha off."

  


Toni gave the slightest nod. Shelby let out a heavy sigh. 

  


"Figured maybe you had worked things out..." Toni could tell Shelby was asking her a question without having to actually ask her it. Toni could see the flicker of jealousy in her eyes and in her voice when she spoke and it made her stomach flip. 

  


When Toni didn't answer, Shelby let out another sigh, frustrated. 

  


"Have you?" She asked and Toni could tell by the way she said it, the words were hard to get out. "Worked it out? Are you back together?"

  


"Shelby." Toni licked her lips, taking a shaky breath. 

  


A moment of silence passed. 

  


"God, I know." Shelby groaned, screwing her face up and shaking her head at herself. She pressed one of her hands against her face. Toni could see the hurt in her eyes, the fight going on in her head. "Why do I care, right? Why do I want to know if what Regan said was true? Why do I need to know why you don't like my boyfriend or if you and Regan are back together? It's none of my business, I know." 

  


Toni's heart clenched painfully. The anxiety of them arguing or not speaking always right in the front of her mind. 

  


"We aren't back together." Toni tried to ease at least some of the tension and pain screwed up in Shelby's face. It worked. 

  


"It's selfish of me to care as much as I do." Shelby sighed. "But I do."

  


Toni took a chance and reached out for the hand still pressed against Shelby's face. She considered that Shelby might flinch away, recoil from her touch, that the small gesture would be the line crossed and then Shelby would explode. 

  


But Shelby softened immediately at Toni's touch and twisted her hand to lace their fingers together, bringing their hands down lower on the bed between their bodies. 

  


They looked at each other. Toni's hand tingled where it touched Shelby's, her stomach flipping. 

  


"I really care, Toni." Shelby shook her head, closing her eyes tightly for a few seconds. "And I know it's not fair for me to care so much about who you're with and how you feel...when I have a boyfriend."

  


"Can't we just say we both care and leave it there." Toni had considered her words carefully. The more Shelby spoke the more Toni let herself believe that Shelby had to feel even a fraction of what she did.

  


"I wish it was that easy." Shelby laughed. 

  


"Me too." Toni squeezed her hand. 

  


Toni stroked her thumb over the back of Shelby's hand. The small gesture felt incredibly intimate. Shelby must have thought so too because her eyes closed and her face settled contently. 

  


"What the hell are we doing, huh?" Toni tried to ease the tension once again with a light laugh. 

  


"Pretending." Shelby shrugged into the sheets before scooting her body ever so closer to Toni's. Toni froze, the brush of her thumb over Shelby's hand pausing for the split second that she froze. 

  


Toni had thought of every possible thought and feeling that could be going on inside Shelby. She even dared let herself think that maybe Shelby actually felt the same way she did. She decided that that was very much wishful thinking but every moment they spent together, that impossible reality seemed a little more possible to Toni. Nothing else could explain some of Shelby's behaviour or her words. Toni wished she could just ask. Or she wished she could just give Shelby a straight answer to her questions. But the risk was too high. The risk of losing Shelby was too high a price to pay for the truth. She would rather pretend and have Shelby however she could than lose her. 

  


Shelby moved closer again, their locked hands now pressing against both of their bodies. Toni could feel the end of each of Shelby's breaths across her face. 

  


"If we're already pretendin'..." Shelby licked her lips, her eyes flickering between Toni's eyes and her mouth. Toni's stomach dropped. "If I do something now...tomorrow can we add it to the list of things we're pretending haven't happened?" 

  


Toni opened her mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. Shelby inched closer and Toni's breath hitched in her throat. 

  


Toni wanted to say she didn't know because that was the truth. If Shelby was about to do what she thought she was about to do, Toni didn't know if she'd ever be able to think of anything else again never mind pretend it didn't happen. 

  


But if she said she didn't know, Shelby might not close the millimetres of distance between them. So, Toni nodded. 

  


Her head was still nodding when Shelby's lips pushed against hers.

  


In the same instant their lips touched, Toni's hand was already curling around Shelby's face, desperate for anything she could get, wanting to savour every second and every touch just in case this was the first and only time it ever happened. 

  


Somewhere very far in the back of her mind, Toni was aware of their heavy breathing and the soft smacking of their lips as they kissed. 

  


Shelby pressed her whole body into Toni's as they kissed, their fronts pushing against each other. One of Shelby's hands gripped Toni's waist, the other sliding on the bed under them to the side of Toni's neck. 

  


The feeling of their bodies against each other, the warmth, the fire it set inside them both, urged their kiss on. Toni couldn't help herself. Shelby had kissed her first so she wanted this and Toni was very sure if she pushed it too far, Shelby would be gone like a flash. So she pushed her luck. She flickered her tongue over Shelby's upper lip, curling it only just into her mouth. Shelby immediately met it with her own. 

  


It took every bit of strength Toni had to swallow the moan that crept into her throat at the feeling of their wet, warm tongues brushing together. The effort it took resulted in a gasp against Shelby's lips instead. The blonde pulled them impossibly closer together, their hips pressed against each others, their legs moving against each others under the covers. 

  


Shelby pulled away first and Toni didn't know how she possibly had the strength to because she wanted to continue forever and she was certain she could have. 

  


Shelby's forehead bumped against Toni's, their breaths ragged against each others lips. Toni's hand never left Shelby's face, she stroked her thumb across her cheek desperately wanting to press another kiss to Shelby's soft lips. But she didn't, Shelby was ready to pretend nothing had happened much sooner than she was. 

  


"I just needed to see what it was like." Shelby breathed, her hand still gripping Toni's waist. She gave a squeeze and then dropped it to Toni's hip, stroking her index finger under Toni's t-shirt where it met the waistband of her shorts. "I just needed to..." And then Shelby reached forward, pressing her lips to Toni's again. 

  


Toni's hand pushed into Shelby's hair, holding her close, kissing her deeper than a moment ago. They were both very aware of the sounds, their breathing, their lips, their little gasps and almost moans. They both fought hard to suppress it all which only served to heighten the tension between them. 

  


Shelby broke away again after a moment and Toni found herself following her lips, shifting on the bed to chase them. This resulted in Shelby leaning back further until she twisted onto her back and suddenly Toni's hair was tickling the sides of her face as she hovered over her. Toni remained on her side beside Shelby, propping herself up every so sightly on her elbow, her other hand twisting into the hem of Shelby's pyjama top, balling the material tightly into her fist. 

  


They looked at each other for a long moment, Toni staring down at Shelby whose chest was rising and falling rapidly. Toni dipped her head down, kissing Shelby softly once, then twice. The girl underneath her pushed both hands into her long, dark hair that dropped between them, curling her fingers into it. 

  


They continued to kiss, and the noises Shelby could barely keep down were driving Toni crazy. 

  


The fire between them was uncontrollable, the heat and the flames enveloping them both completely. Toni knew that there was no way Shelby wasn't feeling exactly how she was feeling in this moment. There was no way either of them were going to forget about this. 

  


Toni found herself pulling back slightly, she kissed the corner of Shelby's mouth and then her cheek and then the ridge of her jaw. She moved her lips slowly so Shelby had plenty of time to deny each kiss before she lay it. But she didn't. 

  


When Toni kissed just under her jaw line, Shelby tilted her neck to give her better access. Toni heard the sharp intake of breath and then all breathing cease as Shelby held her breath when Toni pressed a hot, opened mouthed kiss to Shelby's neck, once, twice, three times. 

  


"Okay, okay, okay, okay." Shelby breathed out painfully when Toni's tongue flickered over her hot skin, between kissed. She used the hands in Toni's hair to push the other girl away from her. Toni bit her lower lip as lifted her head away from Shelby's neck and stared down at her. She could see Shelby's shy gaze through the darkness and it made her heart melt. 

  


Toni shifted and then dropped onto her back beside Shelby, they both lay silently staring up at the ceiling, their arms brushing against each other between their bodies. 

  


"Gonna be hard to forget about that." Toni whispered sadly, letting out a little huff after she spoke. She wished things were different. 

  


"I know." Shelby took her hand, lacing their fingers together, their linked hands between them as they lay still starting at the ceiling. 

  


Toni's heart clenched at the small gesture. They held hands in silence for a long few minutes, before Shelby pulled hers away. 

  


"Goodnight, Toni." Shelby whispered before turning onto her side to face away from her. 

  


And that was it. Toni had let herself get her hopes up, the kiss clouding every single part of her mind. 

  


In all the years they'd shared this very bed, not once had they not fallen asleep cuddling. Shelby was making a very clear point turning away from Toni and Toni heard it loud and clear.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any tense changes. I wrote the whole thing in two different tenses and have tried to change it all to the same...however, it's likely I've missed a few. 
> 
> Bringing up sex....for reasons...such as it not being a sudden thing later introduced. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

In the weeks following their kiss, there were many additions to the list of things they were pretending hadn't happened; Shelby pressing her lips to Toni's neck when they hugged, Toni's hand resting just a second too long and just a second too high on Shelby's thigh, the longing shy stare Shelby let linger on Toni when she changed out of her sweaty basketball kit in front of her, the sweep of soft fingers along the base of Toni's neck when Shelby braided her hair for a game, every second of the massage Shelby offered Toni following a gruelling training session, the frequent times Shelby had bailed on Andrew to hang out with Toni instead and Shelby's jealous comments when Toni had sent a few flirty texts to one of her teammates. 

  


Toni felt like every touch and look they shared should be added to the list because they all felt a little too intimate, meaningful. 

  


It was a Saturday afternoon, Shelby and Toni were sat in Shelby's car at the cinema parking lot. The movie they'd seen could have been absolutely anything, Toni had no idea. Shelby had chosen it and she'd just gone along for the ride. Holding hands underneath Toni's jacket in the back row of the cinema was another thing to add to the list. And the main reason Toni had no idea what she'd just seen, too distracted. 

  


Toni had her shoes off, her legs crossed in the passenger seat as she chewed on a strawberry Twizzler she had left over from her cinema snacks. Shelby was still sipping at her soda through her straw. Shelby rarely drunk soda but when she did it was always through a straw, better for her teeth that way, she'd told Toni. 

  


"So, Marty's told her mom she's staying with you tonight but she's actually staying with that guy she's been dating." Toni snapped another piece of the candy off between her teeth. 

  


"She's too pure and innocent for me to think about this." Shelby pouted. 

  


Martha had revealed to them a few weeks ago that she'd been secretly texting a guy from their school for months, Marcus. Toni had no idea who he was at first but she and Shelby did some digging and social media stalking and found him. Shelby recognised who he was but Toni was still adamant she'd never seen him in her life. After Martha had dropped her big secret, she started going on a lot of dates and spending a lot more time with him. He seemed nice enough but Toni was of course ever weary. 

  


"Yeah, I guess I'm kinda worried about it." Toni frowned. 

  


"You think a lot about your friends having sex, don't you?" Shelby smirked, taking another sip of her soda. 

  


Toni scoffed, although what Shelby was saying wasn't necessarily untrue and she knew that Shelby was teasing her about the few times she'd asked about Shelby and Andrew having sex. 

  


"I actually try not to think about that at all, thank you." Toni rolled her eyes then plucked the soda from Shelby's hands, taking a sip of her own. 

  


"Well." The blonde took hold of the soda and pulled it back. "You might have to worry about Martha but you certainly don't have to worry about me." She held Toni's eyes as she said it. 

  


"Good." Was Toni's immediate reply and they both laughed at Toni making no attempt to hide her happiness about the fact. 

  


Toni finished chewing on the candy and dropped her legs off the seat, putting her shoes back on. 

  


"Do you miss it?"

  


"What?"

  


"Well, you had a girlfriend for like the past year...and now you don't so..." Shelby pulled the straw out of the cup and then pushed it back in over and over as she explained, avoiding Toni's eyes. 

  


"Sex?" Toni finished tying her laces and look at Shelby with an amused smile. 

  


"Yes." Shelby was still avoiding her eyes, a soft pink tinge creeping over her cheeks. 

  


"There is such a thing as casual sex outside of a relationship you know." Toni laughed. "I know that's probably totally alien to you."

  


Toni watched Shelby's face closely for her reaction. Recently, Toni had noticed that Shelby wasn't quite so anal about keeping her various masks in place, and she was more open and more honest than she had ever been. So, Toni wasn't surprised to see Shelby's eyebrows raise ever so slightly in surprise and then her lips press together to keep a scoff in. Shelby had been using Toni's phone a few weeks ago when text messages had popped up from a girl on Toni's basketball team. Shelby had tried to make a joke out of it but Toni knew she wasn't happy. Shelby had quickly admitted to being jealous, something she'd have never previously done. It was innocent flirting, nothing had happened between them nor was Toni interested in anything happening. But she liked the jealous streak in Shelby's voice that made her feel wanted. However, she did tell her it was nothing, not wanting her to feel any negativity. 

  


"Not that I'm having casual sex." Toni dipped her lips, hiding the small smile when she watched Shelby's own smile creeping onto her lips at the words. "Totally need like an emotional connection or something, ya know?" She shrugged. 

  


"Maybe that's why I'm kinda repulsed by the thought of sleeping with Andrew." Shelby laughed and Toni grinned, not trying to hide it this time. "Zero emotional connection."

  


"Besides." Shelby went on. "The concept of casual sex isn't completely foreign to me. I guess some of my views have changed recently." Toni heard the certainty in her voice, and felt a tinge of pride swell in her chest. 

  


"About what?" She found herself asking, genuinely curious about any specifics Shelby was willing to share. 

  


"The Church. God. Sex. Sex before marriage. A few other things I guess." 

  


"Jeez." Toni laughed. "Andrew will have a field day."

  


"Shut up." Shelby rolled her eyes. "He'd have more than a field day. I definitely will not be sharing my changed views with him."

  


"Good. Tell God I said thanks for that."

  


  


///

  


That evening Toni found herself laying on Shelby's bed on her stomach, hands propping her head up as she watched Shelby work her pageant magic on Martha's hair and make up, ready for her date with Marcus. 

  


Martha was perched on the chair in front of Shelby's dresser. Toni kept catching Shelby's eye in the reflection of the mirror, each time Shelby dipped her eyes away shyly after a second. Toni couldn't get enough of the soft, coy looks. 

  


"I'm going to have sex tonight." Martha blurted out after a conversation she was having with Shelby came to an end. Shelby dropped the lock of hair she was working on, her mouth falling with it and she met Toni's amused eyes in the mirror. There was a moment of silence before they all laugh. 

  


"Sorry, I'm nervous." Martha covered her face with both her hands in embarrassment causing Shelby to wrap her arms around her shoulder and drop her head against Martha's, giving a squeeze. 

  


On the bed, Toni rolled onto her back and then swung her leg over the side, shuffling to the edge. 

  


"Not that I have any experience whatsoever but I am sure that it is totally normal to be nervous." Martha looked at her hopefully. 

  


Martha and Shelby's eyes met Toni's at the same time in the reflection of the mirror and Toni shrugged. 

  


"I wish one of you had had sex with a boy." Martha pouted then laughed. Shelby laughed along with her. 

  


"Just because I've only had sex with girls doesn't mean I can't give some advice." Toni rolled her eyes, defensively. She noticed a flicker of something in Shelby's eyes when she spoke although she wasn't quite sure what it was. 

  


"What's your advice?" Martha pressed, spinning around in the chair to face Toni. 

  


"Um." Toni wracked her brain for something to say, something specific and not generic but she conceded to herself that maybe she actually wasn't the best person to give any advice. "Okay." She held her hands up. "I suppose it would be lesbian specific advice. But Shelby's right, totally normal to be nervous."

  


Martha turned her gaze to Shelby then, desperate for one of them to say something that woukd settle her nerves. 

  


"You'll know if it's right." Shelby gave her a gentle smile. "If you feel comfortable and trust him...if he makes you feel good and like you want to give him that special part of you...you'll know it's right."

  


Toni stared into her own lap as Shelby spoke, knowing she was speaking from the experience of what she absolutely does not feel for Andrew. It felt good to hear her say it, although it also made Toni's heart ache in her chest that Shelby was still with someone, still giving any time to someone she didn't feel that way about. She very briefly wondered if Shelby could ever feel that way about her one day but she quickly pushed the thought away from her mind with a soft sigh. 

  


"Shelby's right." Toni distracted herself by speaking again. "Do or don't do whatever makes you comfortable. Communication really is key; speak to him, tell him what you want, what you don't want."

  


"Before or during?" Martha nervously chewed her lower lip, considering the advice. 

  


With a soft smile, Toni confirmed, "Both? Keep him up to date as it goes, you know?"

  


When Toni looked at Shelby after speaking, Shelby had a shy smile on her face and a bashful look in her eyes. 

  


After Martha was prepped with hair, make up, a Shelby-approved-outfit and some more advice, she only had a few minutes to wait before a car honked outside. She rushed out the door leaving Toni and Shelby to hang back casually before giggling and rushing to the window to peer through, watching her get in the car before driving off. 

  


  


///

  


Toni and Shelby don't get into bed until almost midnight, having finished a few episodes of the latest tv show they were watching together. 

  


They lay side by side on their backs in comfortable silence for a few moments. 

  


"Are you thinking about Martha having sex right now too?"

  


"Jesus Shelby!" Toni laughed then scrunched her face up in disapproval. "I wasn't but thanks for bringing it up cause I am now." Toni bumped her elbow into Shelby's side playfully and Shelby pulled away from it laughing. 

  


"Sorry!"

  


Sex very much seemed to be the topic of the day today, for one reason or another. Toni couldn't help but notice Shelby had brought it up several times, she wondered if she was trying to gather non-church opinions and views about the subject so as to help shape her own new views. 

  


"You haven't shut up about sex all day." Toni decided on saying after contemplating it for a long few seconds. It was a dangerous subject to bring attention to when they were laying alone in bed together. Especially when Toni was almost certain they were going to kiss and pretend it hadn't happened again, she felt the tension between them. 

  


"I guess I haven't." She felt Shelby shrug next to her as she continued to stare up at the ceiling. 

  


"Should I leave?" Toni laughed, deciding to try to keep the tone and atmosphere light. She turned her head to Shelby, meeting her eyes with a playful smirk. 

  


"Huh?" Shelby's brow furrowed and Toni flushed at the fact Shelby didn't get the joke and she'd now have to awkwardly explain. 

  


"It was a joke. You can't stop talking about sex, I just meant like I should leave you alone to keep thinking about it alone..."

  


Shelby's eyebrows raised in realisation and she blushed. "Oh."

  


"You really do just keep thinkin' about your friends like that, huh?" Shelby teased quickly, trying too to keep the mood light. Toni barked out a laugh and Shelby pushed her arm into her playfully. 

  


"Shut up." Toni rolled her eyes, pushing back with her own arm and then dropping it letting them arms entwine together between them. 

  


Toni didn't know what Shelby was about to say but she felt the air in the room change and her body tensed preparing for whatever Shelby it was going to be, knowing it would most likely be one of the things they later pretended she didn't. 

  


"Do you think about me like that?" Toni was taken back by the confidence in her tone despite the whisper. There it was. She didn't know exactly what Shelby meant; was she asking if Toni thought about leaving her alone to get off? Thought about Shelby and sex? Thought about having sex with Shelby? The answer to all of the questions was the same, though. 

  


"Yes."

  


"I think about you like that too." The reply was immediate, before Toni had even closed her mouth after she spoke. Then Shelby shifted on her side, to face her, pressing right against Toni with all the confidence in the world. Toni was a confident person herself. Especially when it came to sex, but when it came to Shelby she was was a nervous wreck. She didn't have a cocky one liner to shoot back and make Shelby flush, not when Shelby was pressed right up against her saying what she was with such confidence. 

  


So she took a shaky breath, "I might actually start keeping a list of all the shit we pretend we haven't said to each other." That made Shelby laugh. 

  


"When Martha asked you about having sex..." Shelby began and Toni could tell she was on a roll tonight, riding the waves of her confidence. "You said 'girls'. I didn't know you'd had sex with anyone besides Regan."

  


Toni contemplated it and thought, in any other situation it could have actually been a totally acceptable comment between best friends. Toni would have told Martha if she'd slept with someone else, after all. Surely telling Shelby would be the exact same. So, in another situation, not lying side by side in bed with this level of tension between them, it would have been a totally acceptable question to ask and Toni probably wouldn't have thought twice. 

  


"I haven't." Toni didn't make Shelby wait for the answer and she felt Shelby relax a little beside her. "I guess I was just speaking generally."

  


"Oh." Was Shelby's only response. It made Toni laugh. 

  


"We're both such jealous people, damn." Toni continued to laugh, shaking her head. Shelby huffed beside her but then joined in in the laughter. 

  


She curled up further into Toni, slipping her arm over her stomach. Toni instinctively wrapped a hand around her arm gently, tracing her fingers back and forth over Shelby's soft skin. 

  


"I can't help it." Shelby pouted against her neck, deliberately nuzzling her face into Toni's skin. "Not when it comes to you." Toni pulled her head back, she didn't want to wait for Shelby to make the move this time, she knew how it went by now. Shelby was confused by Toni pulling away from her, lifting her own head to look at her. 

  


When she did, Toni pressed their lips together.

  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any tense changes I've missed...
> 
> It get's good after this chapter...

Toni always ordered the same thing from the little diner they frequented. It was always the biggest, greasiest burger on the menu that she never make any attempt to eat delicately. 

  


Shelby watched her from across the table take another messy bite and chew happily. 

  


When the waitress passed by, Toni politely called for her, asking to order another drink. Toni didn't miss the over-friendly reply and smile the waitress gave her. Shelby didn't either. The waitress had been flirting with Toni the whole evening, from the moment they sat down. Toni's ego was only a little bit bigger than average, she wasn't a stranger to pretty girls flirting with her. 

  


Each time the waitress shot her a flirty look or stayed just a moment too long at their table, Shelby shot her a look that told Toni it was making her enormously jealous. Toni loved it and Shelby she did knew it. Shelby considered pretending it didn't bother her, just to wipe the smirk off Toni's face, but she couldn't. 

  


Martha sat beside Shelby, oblivious. 

  


"Room for dessert?" The waitress glided happily back over to the table after clearing their dinner plates, addressing Toni with a wink. Shelby's jaw dropped and she let out as quiet a scoff as she could manage. 

  


"Whatta'ya got for us?" Toni looked up at her through her eyelashes. By now Shelby knew exactly what Toni's flirting was like because she did it frequently enough with her. And it sent a thunderous wave of jealousy through her body. 

  


"What kind of thing hits the right spot?" The waitress asked, not once looking to Shelby or Martha. 

  


Toni nodded her head with a confident smirk. "I'm pretty easy to please." 

  


"Good to know." The waitress dipped her eyes, looking Toni up and down, her voice suddenly lower. Toni was well aware of the blonde across from her, teeming with jealousy, she could feel it radiating across the table. She deliberately avoided her burning gaze. "I could get you the dessert menu...or give you a few of my personal recommendations?"

  


Toni smirked, her ego well and truly stroked. The smirk dropped instantly when she suddenly felt Shelby's foot slide up her calf under the table. Shelby had slipped her sandal off, getting Toni's attention the only way she could without drawing any kind of attention to herself. She watched with satisfaction as Toni's smirk dropped and she suddenly wasn't so cocky. 

  


The waitress gave an awkward smile when Toni still hadn't replied after a second. Shelby watched as Toni opened her mouth to say something, but she slipped her foot higher, nudging Toni's legs apart as she pushed her foot against the inside of her thigh, just above her knee. 

  


Toni took a sharp breath in, the waitress still staring at her, an even more awkward look now on her face. Shelby's scowl was replaced with a triumphant smile. 

  


"Maybe we could just get the check please." Shelby gave the waitress a false, tight lipped smile. The waitress now seemed happy to turn away from Toni to escape the awkward silence. 

  


"Uh, sure." She nodded and then she scurried off. 

  


"Dude, what the hell was that?" Martha laughed when she was out of sight. "Since when have you lost all your game?"

  


Suddenly Shelby and Martha were giggling across the table. Toni pouted at them, huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. Shelby dropped her foot back to the floor. "Screw you guys."

  


"Well we know who you won't be screwin' now." Shelby beamed sending both her and Martha into another fit of giggles. 

  


///

  


  


Martha doesn't stay with Shelby that night, opting to hang out with Marcus instead. Shelby was glad not to have to make some excuse for her and Toni to be alone. 

  


Toni lay in Shelby's bed, not at all prepared for Shelby to climb straight on top of her the moment she got under the sheets. 

  


"Shelby." She tried to say but only half of the other girls name came out, the rest trapped inside her mouth by Shelby's lips pushing roughly against her own. Shelby's thighs framed Toni's hips, one hand bracing herself by Toni's head, the other on her neck. It took Toni a second to kiss her back and then another second to grip Shelby's hips.

  


This was the first time there had been no pre-warning of a kiss between them, completely unexpected with none of their usual verbal build up. 

  


Shelby kissed her deeply and Toni's hand slid up her hips, up her back and to her face, pulling her in closer. After a moment they broke apart, Shelby dropping her forehead against Toni's, needing to maintain the closeness. 

  


"I don't like you flirtin' with other girls." Shelby breathed against her lips and Toni laughed. "You do it deliberately to get a reaction out of me."

  


Toni nods. It was true, she did. Shelby paid her the most attention and was the most honest with her when there was any threat of another girl involved. Toni can't help but eat it up. 

  


"Would you have got her number?" Shelby asked her between kisses. 

  


Toni shook her head. 

  


"Were you trying to make me jealous?" More kisses. 

  


A nod. 

  


"Why does it turn me on being jealous and the fact that you want to make me." Shelby huffed. Toni pulled her down to kiss her again. 

  


After a second they separate again and smile softly at each other. Shelby shifted so she was lying almost directly on top of Toni, her head against her chest. Shelby made sure she wasn't crushing her and Toni just laughed, wrapping her arms around her, loving the weight and warmth. 

  


"You totally fuck with me head." Toni breathed sliding a hand from Shelby's back up to her hair. She stroked at the little hairs at the back of Shelby's neck, the ones that haven't quite made it into her ponytail. "And my heart." Toni added the second part as an after thought, almost afraid to admit it. 

  


"I don't want that." Shelby settled further into her with a sad sigh. 

  


"Maybe we should stop all of this."

  


"I don't want that either." Shelby's arms squeezed into Toni's sides as much as they could in their current position. 

  


"What do you want?" It was a whisper, a question Toni has been afraid to ask, painfully aware of how quickly things could go south. 

  


She felt Shelby take a deep breath against her chest and nuzzle further into her. Her heart melted at the action and she almost wanted to take her words back, not say anything else and just enjoy the moment. 

  


"What I actually want isn't fair." 

  


"Let me decide."

  


"I want you to be only interested in me. I want you to not flirt with other girls. I want you to not want other girls. I want this to continue." Shelby breathed out with a sigh and then she laughed at herself, shaking her head. "I want all that while I have a boyfriend. Am I wrong about it not being fair?" Another laugh. 

  


Toni continued stroking Shelby's hair as she thought about what she was saying. The truth was Toni was only interested in Shelby, she didn't want anyone else. Even if she flirted or messed around, it would never be the same, she'd never want someone else the way she wanted Shelby. And Toni most definitely wanted what they had to continue too even if most of the time they were pretending that nothing was going on between them and it was only in the quiet moments alone where they allowed themselves to not pretend at all. 

  


"You know what my answer to 'what do you want?' would be?" Toni spoke against the top of Shelby's head, lowering her lips to place a kiss in her hair. Shelby hummed contently. 

  


"Just 'you'"., Toni heard Shelby's breath catch and a second later, Shelby was squeezing her even tighter. 

  


"I just need some more time. To figure things out." Shelby shifted on top of Toni so she was looking down into her eyes as she spoke. "I'm scared. And there's a lot I haven't dealt with or thought about or...or...accepted...in my own heart. I know I can't ask you to wait around for me, while I maybe figure things out, or maybe I never will...I know it's a mess, Toni."

  


"That's the most honest you've ever been with me about this." Toni stared up at her. Until this moment, Toni didn't really have a clue what Shelby's intention was. She didn't know if she was trying to figure things out, she didn't know if there were things that even had to be figured out. She didn't know if Shelby had allowed herself to think that much about it. She felt completely in the dark. To hear Shelby say those things out loud made Toni feel a lot lighter and a lot more hopeful. 

  


For all she knew, Shelby would stop what was going on between them at any moment, throw herself into Andrew, forget anything had ever happened and never speak to Toni again. Toni of course had always hoped different, always knew different deep down. But she couldn't help but worry, second guess and overthink. She never wanted to lose what they had, lose Shelby. 

  


"You deserve honesty." Shelby brought her finger tips to trail along Toni's jaw as she spoke. "I am tryin'...to be honest with myself first. Do you understand?" Shelby was all nerves and Toni's heart ached for her. All Toni could do was nod, seeing the pain and the struggle in her eyes. She knew Shelby truly was trying. 

  


"Come here." Toni shuffled to the side and pulled Shelby into her, Shelby's head buried into the crook of her neck. Toni wrapped her arms around her back and held her tightly. "I'm always going to be here, okay? Whenever you're ready. Please just don't shut me out, even if you're never ready for anything, even if you can never be honest with yourself or me or this thing between us goes to shit, please can we promise we'll always have our friendship?"

  


"I promise." Toni realised Shelby was crying when she spoke and she held her even tighter. When she pressed another kiss to Shelby's hair, Shelby started to sob against her chest. Toni realised at that moment just how much Shelby had been holding in, just how difficult it was for her to say the very little she had tonight, just how much of a relief it was for her to even get that off her chest. 

  


She held her for a long time as she cried, tears soaking into her t-shirt, silently. Shelby finally wore herself out and fell asleep on her chest. Toni stayed awake for hours, holding her, thinking about all the thoughts and emotions that must be trapped inside the girl in her arms. Her heart broke for her.

  


///

  


  


The next party they go to together, Andrew unfortunately also attends. And Toni felt like they'd gone back months in time as she watched a very sober, designated driver Shelby, all over him. It had been a few days since the waitress incident and Toni wondered if Shelby was reverting back to her old ways or if she was just trying to get her own back and make Toni jealous too. If it was the later, it was most definitely working. 

  


Martha was playing beer pong with Marcus and his friends but Toni definitely didn't feel up to any drinking games when Shelby and Andrew were dancing in the middle of the room, his hands all over her body, in places where Toni's hands have been too. The thought of him not knowing that she'd kissed and touched his girlfriend thrilled her but jealousy was very much still the prevalent emotion. 

  


Toni sank her drink and stalked off to the kitchen for another, never taking her eyes away from Shelby and Andrew. Every so often, Shelby flicked her hair and gaze back towards Toni, convincing her that she was definitely trying to play the jealousy game. 

  


Toni couldn't stand the sight of Andrew within a foot of Shelby never mind touching her but she knew that Shelby got even more jealous than she did. Toni knew Shelby didn't want Andrew but Shelby didn't know if Toni wanted any of the girls she flirted with and that's why she'd always win this little game. 

  


So, Toni decided to play. 

  


Not that Toni was cocky or arrogant, or at least not to a douchey level, but she could take her pick from any number of girls at the party. The choice ended up being made for her though when one of her teammates dropped herself quite literally into Toni's lap. She wrapped her arms around Toni and started saying drunk, flirty things into her ear. Although Toni wasn't paying too much attention because at the same moment, Shelby had decided to check that Toni was still watching her. 

  


Toni smirked watching the jealousy flare in Shelby's eyes as she whipped her head back around to Andrew and immediately kissed him. The alcohol and the jealous made Toni bold. She curled her index finger under the chin of the girl in her lap, turning her face towards her. Then she kissed her. 

  


They spent the rest of the night, batting back and forth, trying to one up each other. When Toni's teammate took her hand and started pulling her up the stairs towards a bedroom, she almost had to stop. The searing jealousy and annoyance in Shelby's eyes as she watched them almost made Toni turn back around. 

  


Maybe it was a little too far but maybe Toni was a young girl who was allowed to feel the tinniest bit hurt and bitter over the current situation in her life. She'd spent the last few months hiding her feelings and pretending she didn't feel half as much for Shelby as what she did. She didn't want to hurt Shelby, that was the last thing she wanted to do but she told herself what she was doing was no different than what Shelby had always been doing and was doing that very same second, a few feet away, with Andrew. 

  


So, she let her teammate pull her upstairs as she sipped on the beer in her hand. She let her pull her into someone's empty bedroom and push her down onto the bed. She let her climb into her lap, tangle her hands in her hair and kissed down her neck. 

  


Toni's mind kept returning to Shelby. The kisses weren't quite as soft, didn't make her skin tingle, the hands too rough, not nearly as delicate, and the girl in her lap tasted nothing like Shelby. 

  


They made out for a few minutes before the girl on top of her reached for the button of Toni's jeans. Toni laughed awkwardly, sobering up immediately, grasping her wrist. 

  


"Shalifoe, you tease." Her teammate pouted but still smiled. She retracted her hand. 

  


"If we fuck, the team dynamics totally change. You wanna be responsible for that?" Toni teased, keeping it light so as not to actually create an awkward situation. 

  


"True." The girl above her agreed with a shrug. "You are hot enough to make that really tempting though."

  


"I know." Toni winked and pressed a kiss to her lips before shuffling closer to the edge of the bed hinting for the other girl to climb off of her. She did. 

  


"Dude, I'm so wasted, I think I'm still going to be hungover for practice on Monday." 

  


"Go drink some fucking water." Toni grinned, fixing her hair back into place in the mirror. 

  


When they make their way back downstairs, there are a few less people around. Toni spotted Shelby across the kitchen with Marcus, talking closely. Shelby seemed to sense that Toni was there because she looked up straight away to meet her eyes. Unfortunately, as she did, Toni's teammate gave her ass a slap and dragged her hand over her waist as she left her and headed back to some of her other friends. Toni cringed a little because, okay, she did take the jealousy thing too far and she definitely feels guilty. Especially when Shelby was looking at her the way she is. 

  


Toni found Martha and they danced for a while. She looked around for Andrew but couldn't find him anywhere. Martha told her that he left already but Shelby had stayed to take make sure Toni got home safe. A fresh wave of guilt swept through her. 

  


She told Martha she was probably going to head home soon and Martha drunkenly tells her she'll be staying at Marcus' tonight probably to have sex a lot of times. Toni accepted her drunken high-five with a laugh. She kissed her still sweet, but now not so innocent friend on the forehead as she made off to find Marcus. 

  


The party is mostly over, half the crowd already gone and the other half leaving or about to leave. Toni found Shelby waiting at the doorstep and approached her nervously. 

  


"Uh, hey." She cleared her throat and Shelby turned around giving her a small smile. "Sorry if you've been waiting."

  


With a gesture of her hands, Shelby waves away Toni's apology, letting her know it's no big deal. Toni couldn't help but feel that it was. 

  


She climbed into the passenger seat, all too aware how tipsy she was and how stone cold sober Shelby was. Shelby doesn't say a word, the car filled with an uncomfortable silence. 

  


When they arrived at Martha's house, Shelby switched off the engine and turned to her. 

  


"Did you fuck that girl? At the party." Shelby doesn't sound angry, just hurt. Toni had never heard her refer to sex as "fucking" before and she didn't know what it meant. Was it too much for her to think of it any other way than as meaningless as "fuck" made it sound? Would saying "had sex with" or "slept with" make it mean more, mean more than Shelby hoped it meant?

  


Toni looked at her, once again riddled with guilt. If she didn't think she'd crossed the line with their little game before, she certainly knew it now. She thought of how she'd have felt if Shelby disappeared upstairs into someone's bedroom with Andrew. It made her stomach turn. She'd have ran out, all the way home to Martha's without stopping and then maybe kept running even then. 

  


There was nothing between them, they weren't tied to each other, they had no loyalties to each other in that way. Except they did. They both knew it deep down. 

  


"You did." Shelby decided with a sad huff when Toni was too lost in thought to answer. Toni could hear the tears welling in the back of her throat. 

  


She snapped out of her thoughts. 

  


"No." She said a little too loudly. She cleared her throat. "No, Shelby, I didn't."

  


Shelby was looking up at the roof of the car, the way someone does when they're trying not to let tears spill out. Toni's heart clenched. She really had fucked up.

  


"Shelby, I know I crossed a line." Toni turned in her seat to face the her. "I'm an idiot."

  


Shelby just shook her head, still fighting back tears. 

  


"I didn't sleep with her and I'm not going to sleep with anyone." Toni tried, frustrated with herself. She could be honest and vulnerable and make Shelby feel better or she could keep pretending and keep herself safe but let Shelby be hurt. She knew it wasn't a question. "I have feelings for you, Shelby. Like actual real fucking feelings."

  


Shelby dropped her head and looked at her, taking a shaky breath. Her face softening. 

  


"And maybe that doesn't fit into your plan of whatever the fuck this is." Toni gestured between them. "But whether it does or not, I still have those feelings."

  


Toni searched Shelby's eyes, feeling completely exposed. She couldn't take a second of silent and continued to fill it. 

  


"I know I just crossed a line, I'm shitty for it but I didn't sleep with her. You're the only person I feel that way about and that isn't going to change anytime soon." Toni huffed out her words breathlessly, alcohol and adrenaline fuelling her. 

  


"I know you probably think I'm selfish, Toni." Shelby blinked tears away, her voice quiet and calm. "That I want my perfect, good little Christian girl life with Andrew but to have you when I can too. To have my cake and eat it. But it's not like that."

  


Toni was still trying to calm her breathing down. This conversation was what she had wanted for so long, she wished her brain wasn't feeling fuzzy with alcohol while they had it. 

  


"I don't think you're selfish."

  


"You don't get that all of this...it's not about Andrew, it's not about me. It's about you." There was a crack in her voice disrupting the calmness and tears threatened to spill over, held back by a sharp inhale. 

  


Toni listened, afraid if she said anything, Shelby might realise what she was saying and stop. 

  


"If I broke up with Andrew, he'd be so mad at me. He'd want to hurt me. There would be nothing stopping him from telling my dad that my best friend is a....a lesbian." Toni noticed how hard the word was for Shelby to say. "Maybe he wouldn't care that you could ruin his reputation with all that drug stuff...and he'd tell him and the only time you and I would ever see each other again would be at school."

  


Shelby couldn't hold the tears back now, they dropped softly, one after the other, down her cheeks. Toni wanted to wipe them away, but was afraid to move. 

  


"He'd know we'd been lyin' to him...about you. And then he'd put two and two together and you know as well as I do exactly what he'd come up with." Shelby raised a shaking hand to her cheek to wipe roughly at her tears. "He'd ship me off without a second thought to one of those conversion camps and we'd never see each other again, Toni."

  


Toni's stomach turned. Shelby had never been so honest and Toni could tell every single word she said was even more painful than the last. The thought of all of those thoughts sitting alone in Shelby's head, unexpressed, broke Toni and suddenly tears were spilling down her cheeks too. She knew that what Shelby was saying was true. 

  


Shelby smiled sadly when she noticed Toni crying. She reached out a hand to cup her face, brushing against the tears with her thumb. Toni dropped her head into her touch, needing it at exactly that moment. She raised her own hand to cup over Shelby's. 

  


"It's not about me needing to have this perfect life. it's about me losing you. That's what it's always been about. And there is no outcome of this where that wouldn't happen."

  


In that moment, Toni almost blurted out 'I love you'. The alcohol, the adrenaline, the guilt, the pain, the honesty, the vulnerability almost making it tip over her lips into the car. Toni was overwhelmed; overwhelmed with her own feelings and with Shelby's. She'd been second guessing everything for months, it was exhausting and now Shelby had finally let her into the truth. The truth that Shelby did care, did want her but it just wasn't as simple as that. And Toni understood. 

  


"I wish you would have told me this sooner but I understand why you haven't. I know it's hard, Shelby." Toni pulled Shelby's hand from her face and held it in her lap, stroking her thumb over her soft skin. 

  


"There is so much..." Shelby sighed sadly. "...inside my heart and I just am still not sure what any of it means for me. I don't know how this fits in with God, with my relationship with God. I don't know how it fits in with who I am, who I'm supposed to be. I don't have it figured out and I'm not quite ready to have it figured out yet."

  


"I understand." And Toni really did. There was so much going on in Shelby's life, Toni had never really thought about it. Not only did she have to deal with addressing who she was and what it meant for her religion, she also had to face everything in the shadow of intolerant parents who would never be there for her or accept her for who she may be. On top of that, she had to worry about her boyfriend spilling their secret, having to maintain a front to make sure he didn't and the constant worry of losing Toni, staying in a relationship she didn't want to be in. 

  


And Toni had hurt her even more tonight. 'I love you' almost spilled from her lips again. 

  


"I don't want anything to change." Shelby squeezed Toni's hand, pulling them into her own lap and dropping her other hand on top. "I know it's a lot to ask and I know it's messed up. But I need you, I need this. I don't want anything to change."

  


Toni didn't either. Her heart leapt at Shelby's words. 

  


"Nothing has to change." Toni reached her free hand to Shelby's lap, their hands now all entwined. "We'll keep doing what we're doing."

  


Shelby breathed a sigh of relief and shook her head, making Toni smile. Toni would take any part of Shelby that she could get and be hopeful that one day, she would eventually have all of her. 

  


They sat in silence, hands entwined, looking at each other with soft smiles. 

  


"Can I kiss you?" Shelby eventually filled the silence. "I hate that I'm not the last person you've kissed."

  


"Me too." 

  


Shelby glanced over her shoulder and then out of the windscreen even though it was almost 1am and the streets were empty. She moved forward, leaning over the centre console and pressed her lips gently against Toni's in a long, sweet kiss, squeezing her hands. 

  


When Shelby pulled away, Toni half smirked, "Latest addition to the list; pretend Shelby isn't jealous as shit and has to kiss me because she can't stand that she's not the last person I've kissed."

  


"You can't stand not being the last person I've kissed either." Shelby was all confidence and they both know she was right. She unravelled their hands and pushed playfully into Toni's stomach.

  


"You sure you don't want to stay over?" Shelby asked hopefully. Toni had already decided before the party that she'd stay at Martha's tonight and not Shelby's. 

  


"I don't think sharing a bed with you when either of us are anything but sober is a good idea anymore.." Toni laughed shyly. Shelby looked disappointed. "Any kind of lack of control...you know." Toni didn't want to say it, didn't want to tell Shelby that she wouldn't be able to resist her at all if she tried something. And Shelby had been getting bolder and bolder recently, leaving Toni to always have to put a stop to taking things further. 

  


She very much didn't want things to go further without a conversation first, just so she knew it was as right for Shelby as it would be for her. But Shelby wasn't ready to have that conversation. 

  


"Maybe I wouldn't mind...." She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth shyly and Toni groaned then laughed. 

  


"Goodnight, Shelby." Toni pressed her lips to Shelby's and then pulled back and pressed another kiss against her forehead. 

  


Toni got out and stood at the bottom of the steps leading to the Blackburn's front door, waiting for Shelby to leave. Shelby just stared at her longingly through the open driver side window and Toni dashed back over with a laugh to kiss her again before she left.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this is a little bit of smut - not sure if there are people who don't want to read that but this is a warning that this is basically all this chapter is. 
> 
> This fic is all highs and lows, this is a high...almost certainly going to be followed by a low, right? 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

"Was I as much of a flake when I was dating Regan?" Toni grumbled, dropping her phone onto the bed. Martha was meant to be at Shelby's 30 minutes ago but had just text Toni saying Marcus had planned a surprise date and she wouldn't be coming. 

  


"Be happy for her." Shelby scolded. 

  


"I am!" And Toni was. Very happy. Martha was happier than Toni had ever seen her and Marcus was actually pretty decent. They'd been dating for a few months now and he was yet to mess up. 

  


"Anyways, is hanging out with me alone that bad?" Shelby glanced up with a teasing smirk, dipping the brush back into the little pot of nail polish by her feet. 

  


Toni blushed, trying to think of a clever come back but the way Shelby was looking at her had her mouth sealed shut. When Toni didn't say anything, Shelby laughed softly and returned her focus to painting her nails, shaking her head. 

  


For the last few weeks, Toni had deliberately only been staying with Shelby when she knew Martha would be as well so they weren't alone. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her hands and mouth to herself when Shelby was all over her. When Toni stayed with Shelby alone, she barely got a wink of sleep, after hours of making out, not so innocent touches and even less innocent words spoken between them. 

  


Shelby was incessant and Toni was most definitely not complaining about it. She loved it. But it was just difficult to be in the moment and also be hyper aware of her every move, making sure not to cross any lines or push things too far. Not that Shelby seemed to have any of the same concerns, her hands and mouth not afraid to touch anywhere and everywhere. 

  


Toni hadn't told Shelby she was deliberately avoiding them being alone together, but it was obvious, Shelby knew. 

  


Now, Toni's thoughts were consumed as she tried not to keep staring at Shelby on the floor at the foot of the bed. Shelby flicked nail polish expertly over her toes and fingers, a little crinkle in her forehead as she concentrated. All Toni could think about was how she was going to feel in a few hours time lying in bed with a sleeping Shelby on her chest and a deep ache between her leg from the hours of making out. 

  


"Is it cool if I jump in the shower? Toni brushed her fingers through her hair, sitting up on the bed. Shelby hummed out a yes, still concentrating. 

  


She rushed off to the en-suit bathroom quickly be alone with her thoughts with Shelby out of sight so she wasn't quite so distracted. 

  


Cold showers had never been Toni's thing and she wouldn't have one under any circumstances if she could avoid it. Her coach had insisted that cold showers were good after a hard game or a hard practice but Toni would rather suffer the muscle aches the next day than stand under the freezing water. Even now, when she was sure that cold water would distract her, she still turned the nozzle to one of the hottest settings. 

  


When she stepped out from under the water and began to pat herself dry with a towel, she realised in her rush to get away from Shelby, that she had completely forgotten her clothes. She cursed under her breath and opened the bathroom door ajar. 

  


"Hey, Shelby?" She called through the crack feeling the coolness of the bedroom push through the door against her hot skin. She shivered. 

  


"Yeah?"

  


"Could you grab me my shorts and t shirt please?" What Toni really meant was Shelby's shorts and t shirt. But Toni had worn them so often now when she stayed over that Shelby had stopped wearing them herself and set them aside for when Toni stayed. 

  


"Sure, give me a minute."

  


Toni closed the door, retreating back into the steamy hot bathroom. She twisted open her moisturiser and started smoothing it over her body. Again, it was most definitely Shelby's moisturiser but Toni had taken a liking to it after smelling it on Shelby's skin and Shelby had bought an extra bottle for Toni to use too. 

  


Toni had her back to the door and one of her legs propped up on the bathtub lathering the moisturiser into her skin when she felt the cold air hit her as the door swung open behind her. She automatically spun around to be met by Shelby's wide eyes. 

  


"Sorry!" Shelby breathed out in a panic, her eyes doing one full sweep of Toni's naked body before she quickly fixed them on Toni's eyes. She lifted her hands up in an apology and fumbled as she turned to stumble back out the door, not closing it behind her. And with the shorts and t-shirt still in hand. 

  


Toni stared after her, her own eyes wide with amusement at what just happened. She waited a moment for Shelby to realise she didn't leave the clothes. A few seconds pass before Shelby's hand jams into the doorway, only her arm visible as she hide her body and face out of sight. Toni laughed as she walked towards the door, taking the items from her hands. 

  


Toni closed the door, still laughing and finished getting dressed. Toni wasn't shy about her body. In fact, Shelby seeing her naked had just filled her with a confidence she wasn't aware she needed. She smiled smugly at herself in the bathroom mirror as she brushed her teeth, lifting her t shirt up to see what Shelby would have seen when she'd walked in. Toni smiled down at herself in approval. 

  


The moment Toni walked back into the bedroom, Shelby sprung to her feet from where she was sat on the bed. "I am so sorry!" Her cheeks were burning pink. "I thought you'd be in a towel, I don't know why I didn't knock. I don't want you to think I'd ever invade your privacy like that."

  


Toni laughed softly. "Shelby, it's cool. It's no big deal."

  


The words made Shelby settle ever so slightly but she was evidently still very flustered. 

  


"I guess I'd just hate...someone seeing me like that. Unexpected." Shelby continued trying to explain herself. "I guess all those pageant years have made me a little body conscious..."

  


Toni smiled tenderly at her, her heart aching at the thought of Shelby thinking a single negative thing about herself. "Trust me, you have absolutely nothing to be self conscious about." Toni tried to break the tension, be light, make Shelby feel better but the words came out sounding as sincere as she meant them and the mood shifted. 

  


Shelby sucked her lower lip between her teeth, looking shyly at the ground and then back up to Toni who just stood there in front of her. 

  


"Neither do you." It was barely above a whisper and Shelby blushed alongside Toni when she said it. The comment sent a wave of warmth through Toni's entire body. Toni wondered if Shelby had ever actually seen another naked girl before. She suspected Shelby was probably the type of girl to cram into tiny bathrooms at pageants and to hide in the cubical after gym class to avoid what was probably an uncomfortable situation for her, being naked around women and other women being naked around her. 

  


Shelby gestured towards the bathroom door. "Is this one of the things we pretend hasn't happened?" She was only half joking, unsure if she'd created an awkward situation of it like Toni had said, it actually wasn't a big deal. 

  


"Pretend you haven't seen this athletic-absolute-gift-from-God-body?" Toni huffed then smirked. Then she did something that didn't surprise Shelby in the slightest, she raised both her arms and started flexing her biceps, grinning at each in turn as she did. Shelby can't help but roll her eyes. Toni doesn't have very large or particularly muscular arms but she is incredibly toned and despite the eye roll, Shelby can't look away. 

  


Toni watched her eyes darken and her chest rise with a deep intake of breath and she knew she's settled Shelby's worry and made her feel something else entirely. 

  


"I'm going to shower." Shelby finally broke her gaze away from Toni, flushing. Toni watched her scurry around the room, collecting her things. 

  


"Make sure you don't forget anything." She teased and Shelby shot her a look that made them both laugh. 

  


"You should be so lucky." Shelby teased back as she stepped into the bathroom. 

  


Toni tidied some things around Shelby's room while she showered, knowing how much she liked to keep everything neat. Then she pulled the sheets back and climbed under them into bed. She buried her face into the pillow under her which still smelled faintly of herself from when she last slept over a few nights ago. Her eyes lingered on Shelby's pillow beside her. Without giving herself a chance to change her mind, she shuffled over into the middle of the bed and rested her head against it, taking a small shaky breath in. It smelled exactly like the shampoo Toni knew Shelby was scrubbing into her hair just a few foot away. She closed her eyes and inhaled again. 

  


Toni fell back onto her back, her heart quickening at the thought of smelling that same smell straight from Shelby's hair in a few minutes time. Maybe she'd smell it when she buried her face into Shelby's neck and kissed along her jaw and down her neck, the blonde hair tickling her cheeks. Or maybe Shelby would climb on top of her, lean down to kiss her and her hair would spill all over Toni's face. 

  


Toni continued to think longingly as she watched Shelby come back into the room, smiling warmly at her. She continued to think as Shelby sat at her dresser and blow dried her hair, the sweet smell of her hair products filling the room. Toni was still thinking about it when Shelby finally climbed into bed beside her. Toni couldn't help but notice that a long t shirt was the only thing covering the underwear Shelby wore on her lower half. Shelby always slept in pyjama bottoms or at least shorts. 

  


They lay still in silence for a few moments before Shelby shuffled closer, throwing her bare leg straight over Toni's. Toni anticipated it, it happened in slow motion and she tried so hard not to gasp but she couldn't hold it. Her body stiffened as she felt the weight and warmth and softness of Shelby's leg settled over her own. She could barely take the anticipation of what was going to happen next. 

  


"Hey." Shelby said so casually that Toni almost laughed. 

  


"Hey."

  


Toni turned her head to the side, the rest of her body remaining completely still, frozen in place. Their eyes met and Toni just couldn't help herself from closing the small gap between them and kissing Shelby's parted lips softly, so softly it felt as if their lips were barely touching. 

  


"These sheets smell so much like you." Toni whispered, a new wave of the intoxicating smell hitting her when they kissed. Shelby blushed, her tongue flickering out to wet her lips as she held Toni's gaze. 

  


And then Toni did something that surprised them both. The tension, the anticipation, that fucking heavenly smell, was too much. Toni dropped her hand from where it was rested on stomach and she hesitantly placed it on Shelby's bare thigh, right above her knee, not daring to move it any higher. Toni watched as Shelby's eyes closed blissfully the moment her hand made contact with her skin. 

  


Every noise and touch and smell felt like it was a million times more intense tonight, Toni wasn't sure what it was, the anticipation maybe, the fact that they hadn't slept alone together for a while. 

  


Shelby's eyes were still closed, a content little smile on her lips, so Toni kissed her again. She kissed her lips once, then the corner of her mouth, then her cheek and then she nuzzled into her hair against her neck taking in a long deep breath. 

  


"You're my favourite fucking smell ever." She groaned lowly, her nose brushing against soft skin. 

  


Toni could hear Shelby breathing heavily, her eyes still closed as she enjoyed Toni's nose nuzzling against her neck. 

  


When Shelby suddenly latched her hand onto the hand on her thigh, Toni moved to pull it away as if she had been burned. Her stomached dropped, thinking she had taken it too far, that Shelby's bare thigh, when they were alone in bed with this much tension in the air, was definitely not an okay place for her hand to be. But Shelby squeezed the back of her hand tightly, pulling it back the short distance it had managed to escape, to her leg. 

  


"No." She breathed, her eyes open and dark, staring into Toni's. She maintained that intense eye contact as she slowly dragged Toni's hand higher up the inside of her thigh so it was now resting on the fleshiest part of her leg. Toni had stopped breathing, her mouth hanging open. 

  


When Shelby squeezed her hand on top of Toni's, Toni couldn't even blush at the groan that crawled up her throat. She closed her eyes in the same blissful way Shelby had moments before. Toni didn't know why this felt like the most intimate and erotic moment of her life despite having had actual sex probably hundreds of times. But of course there was nothing that made her ache with desire the way Shelby did. 

  


"I can't stop thinking about seeing you earlier." Shelby whispered and Toni thought she must be in actual heaven. Her favourite thing about Shelby was fast becoming how absolutely unashamedly bold and confident she was. She wanted to snap her own legs shut, to quell the deep ache Shelby was creating between them, but Shelby's leg was still thrown over hers. 

  


Toni decided to take a leaf out of Shelby's book because she couldn't possibly do anything else. She shifted her hand a fraction higher on Shelby's thigh and squeezed again. The little gasp that came from between Shelby's parted lips drew Toni right into them and she was kissing her again. This time there was no softness. The hand that wasn't now rhythmically squeezing Shelby's thigh reached up to cup her face, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Their tongues brushed, teasing each other, hot puffs of air against each other's lips for the split second they pulled back to breath. 

  


They kissed for what felt like hours and barely seconds at the same time before Toni abruptly pulled back, staring up towards the ceiling and withdrawing her hand back from Shelby's thigh to rest back on her own stomach. The second the contact was lost, Shelby groaned in disappointment and rubbed her leg over Toni's, releasing some of the built up energy inside her. 

  


"Sorry but I literally will not be able to sleep tonight." Toni breathed heavily, clenching her jaw and screwing her eyes shut desperately trying not to think of Shelby's hot skin under her palm and how she had been high up on Shelby's thigh that she could feel the heat radiating from between her legs on the back of her hand. She shifted so she could pull her leg out from under Shelby's and squeeze her legs together for the tiniest bit of relief. Another disappointed groan from Shelby. 

  


"What do you mean?" Shelby's voice was low and dark and needy. Toni could feel her shift uncomfortably in the bed beside her and she wondered if Shelby was having to squeeze her own legs together for some relief too. She screwed her eyes shut again, trying not to think of exactly what she just thought about because it definitely did not help with her current situation. 

  


Toni had to say it. 

  


"Because I've never been so fucking turned on in my whole life and all I've done is touch your leg." 

  


Her eyes stayed fixed on the ceiling when she spoke, the hand on her stomach itching to move a few inches lower, dip below her underwear and spend the 30 seconds it would probably take to get off. 

  


"Why don't you do something about it?" Toni's head dropped back even further against the pillow and she made no attempt to stop the little whine that escaped her lips that she should most definitely be embarrassed about but the only thing she could feel was turned on. Shelby saying such bold, unintentionally dirty things, was absolutely killing her.

  


"You want me to get off in your bed?" Toni turned her head to meet Shelby's eyes. She wasn't going to play around, pretend she didn't know exactly what Shelby meant, just about ready to explode. 

  


Shelby bit her lip and nodded. "I want to too."

  


And then Toni was laughing, a frustrated, shocked laugh that rippled up from her stomach. She just could not believe what was happening. She thought they'd make out, Shelby would most definitely get too handsy but Toni would love it even though the memory of it would keep her up all night. But she never imagined this could happen.

  


Toni didn't know what else to do but kiss her. She looked at Shelby's whose eyes kept getting impossibly darker and kissed her. The moment their lips touched, Shelby's hand was tangling in her hair, scooting her body on the bed so there was no space between them. She wanted to pull Shelby on top of her, feel her grinding down the way she had so many times before but she didn't want to delay what was about to happen. 

  


Shelby pulled her hand free of Toni's hair and Toni felt her move on the bed, her hips lifting as she peeled off her underwear. The aching between her legs unrelenting. Without hesitation, Shelby crossed her leg back over Toni's and bent it at the knee, Toni following suit so they were linked. 

  


"Are we really doing this?" Toni whispered, staring at her, her breathing heavy. 

  


Shelby didn't answer, instead she dragged her hand up from her side and moved it along Toni's arm to reach her hand. She pushed the underwear she had just taken off into Toni's clenched fist, never looking away from her. 

  


"Fuck." Toni screwed her eyes shut, grasping it. 

  


Toni's mind could barely process her boldness, her confidence. From trying to drunkenly kiss her to this; they'd come much farther than Toni had ever expected, ever dare let herself hope. The tiniest part of her not clouded by arousal worried how things would be in the morning or worse, immediately after what they were about to do. But she pushed the worry even deeper down, because with Shelby's bare leg rubbing against hers and her damp underwear clenched into her palm, how could she not? 

  


Toni untangled their legs, missing the contact immediately to pull off her own shorts and underwear, dropping Shelby's underwear with them. Shelby watched every move with her bottom lip between her teeth. 

  


When Toni had her shorts kicked off the bed, she moved to drop her leg over Shelby's but Shelby pulls away. She flushed immediately, eyes wide searching Shelby's. She wondered if her mind had changed in the seconds it had taken her to remove her clothes. 

  


"Are you okay?" Toni asked tenderly, afraid that it had gone too far. She wanted to make a quick recovery if it had. 

  


"I don't want to gross you out." Shelby licked her lips nervously, eye contact still never breaking. "But I uh, I just need to get...a towel...to put underneath me."

  


Toni understood instantly, her mouth dropping open, her legs squeezing shut. 

  


"Oh God..." Shelby cringed watching Toni's reaction, mistaking it for for something negative. 

  


"No." Toni quickly shook her head, reaching her hand out for Shelby's face. She kissed her again and again and again until Shelby settled into her, kissing her back. "Don't ever be embarrassed. That's fucking hot."

  


Shelby huffed out a shy laugh against her lips. 

  


"I'll grab one." Toni offered. "Gives you a chance to check me out again." She smirked and kissed Shelby a final time before slipping out of the bed and making her way to the bathroom to grab a towel. She watched Shelby watch her, sucking in a deep breath as she blushed. 

  


Once she climbed back into bed, Shelby fixed her leg back over Toni's, the towel underneath her hips, lying on their backs side by side, no space between them. 

  


Toni turned her head, eyes flickering between Shelby's lips and eyes as she placed her hand on Shelby's bent knee, a questioning look in her eyes as she dropped it ever so slightly lower. Shelby nodded. Toni sucked in a slow breath, stroking her fingers lightly on the inside of Shelby's thigh, inching it lower. 

  


"Toni, I need to-" Shelby groaned and Toni cut her off with a quick nod. The sheets were pulled up over them so Toni couldn't see what Shelby was doing but she had a good idea. Especially when Shelby groaned again, her eyes snapping shut. 

  


Toni's free hand instantly moved between her own legs. She watched Shelby's face; her parted lips, her flushed cheeks, the crinkle on her forehead as she concentrated. And her fingers instantly dipped low, through the wetness and heat, inside herself. Toni had to fight to keep her eyes open, the instant pleasure and relief pulling them closed, but she wanted to see the girl beside her's face contort blissfully as she did whatever it was she was doing under the sheets. She pushed her fingers inside, not all the way, teasing herself, as she imagined Shelby's own fingers. Her mind flashed to the towel underneath Shelby and she lost the fight to keep her eyes open momentarily. 

  


Shelby was breathing heavily, her eyes finally fluttering open to meet Toni's. She craned her neck to meet Toni's lips in a wet, harsh kiss that she had to pull back from breathlessly after only a few seconds. 

  


"Toni." She breathed and it almost sounded like she was in pain. Toni just nodded, her eyes fixed on her swollen lips, wet with their saliva. She kissed her again, pushing her tongue between Shelby's parted lips. When Shelby pushed her tongue against Toni's, Toni finally allowed her fingers to dip deeper inside herself, as far as they could go and she moaned into Shelby's mouth. 

  


"This isn't gonna last long." Toni squeezed roughly against Shelby's thigh, rougher than she intended and Shelby let out a sharp gasp. 

  


"Sorry, sorry." Toni breathed apologetically, soothing Shelby with soft kisses. Shelby shook her head against her mouth. 

  


"I like it." And then Shelby's free hand was over Toni's, pulling it down closer between her legs, stopping only when Toni could feel Shelby's other hand bumping against hers as it worked between her thighs. 

  


"Fuck." Her own fingers stopped moving inside herself as she revelled in the feeling of Shelby's hand bumping against hers. Shelby was rubbing circles over her clit, every so often dipping at little lower. Toni could feel the heat radiating against her hand and it took everything she had to keep it firmly in place against Shelby's thigh. Toni squeezed again, rougher like Shelby had just said she liked and the blonde moaned loudly then bit her lip remembering that they were alone in her bedroom but not alone in the house. 

  


Toni could feel Shelby's hips start to rock against her own hand and twisted her head away to look up at the ceiling as she adjusted her hips slightly to get a better angel inside herself. She was so wet, so turned on, feeling so dirty that the screwed her eyes up and then added a third finger as she glanced back at Shelby who was still staring at her.

  


"Can we push the sheets down?" There was still no shyness in Shelby's voice, confident as she had been all night. 

  


Toni was kicking them down before Shelby had finished speaking, desperate to get a glimpse of Shelby's hand working over her clit, and that fucking towel that her mind kept returning to. Her eyes stayed on Shelby's until she looked away first, down to where their legs were still entwined. 

  


Shelby whimpered at the sight, shifting slightly higher on the bed to get a better look. Toni spread her legs wider. 

  


"Are you...you're inside?" Shelby was breathless, her eyes fixed on Toni's quickening hand. Toni was nodding, staring at her own hand on Shelby's thigh, giving another rough squeeze. She watched Shelby's hand quicken, still bumping against hers as it moved. 

  


"How many fingers?" Shelby gasped, her eyes screwing closed for a second again before meeting Toni's even darker than before. Toni wouldn't have pegged Shelby for a talker but she was most definitely not complaining, her voice and words pushing her even closer to the edge. It seemed that Shelby wanted to get some words out of Toni too, so she gave her what she wanted. 

  


"Fuck, Shelby, three." They both groaned, Shelby kissing her deeply once again. 

  


"Three." Shelby repeated dazed at the information, her hips rocking the entire bed now as she canted up into her own hand. 

  


"I'm so fuckin' turned on, I'm so wet." Toni shook her head, explaining, giving her more detail, the words she wanted to hear. 

  


"I can hear." Shelby gasped. And that, combined with the rocking of the bed, the bump of Shelby's hand against hers and the heat she could feel radiating between her legs was enough to set Toni off so much sooner than she'd hoped because she wanted this to last all night. 

  


"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me." Toni gasped in a whisper, lips quivering. Shelby immediately crashed their lips together and Toni was coming, kissing harshly against Shelby's lips in a bruising kiss, her nails biting into Shelby's thigh as she squeezed even rougher than before, her hips lifting off of the bed, her legs clamping shut around her hand, her palm pressed against her clit and her fingers inside herself. Shelby opened her eyes in the kiss to look down at the sight as best she could while still giving Toni what she needed. Her own hand stilled between her legs as she revelled in the moment. 

  


Toni was shaking and writhing up against her hand, lips pressed hard against Shelby's no longer kissing as she moaned into her mouth, clenching and unclenching her hand on Shelby's thigh. 

  


Without thinking, Shelby pulled her hand from between her legs to cup Toni's face, untangling their legs and shifting onto her side to curl up beside Toni. She pressed soft kisses against her panting mouth as Toni's body relaxed back against the bed. When Toni gathered the strength to open her eyes again, Shelby was smiling coyly at her, still cupping her face with her hand. 

  


"Is that the hand..." Toni smirked and Shelby's eyes widened, realising that it was in fact the hand, and she snatched it quickly away, flushing with embarrassment. 

  


"Sorry." She rushed out but Toni was already reaching for her hand. Toni deliberately used the hand that she had just let free from her clenched legs, fingers still wet. She hoped that it wasn't too much as she rubbed her wet fingers against Shelby's. Toni watched intensely for her reaction, for Shelby to feel the wetness coating her fingers. When she did, Shelby's mouth dropped open, a little huff of air leaving. She rubbed her fingers against Toni's, feeling the wetness, sighing then dropping her head back against the pillows to let out a soft moan. 

  


Toni licked her lips as she watched the reaction. "You okay?" She asked, Shelby still rubbing at her fingers with her own. 

  


Shelby shook her head, breathing heavily. "Not yet." She answered with a small smirk making Toni laugh. 

  


"Anything I can do to help?" Toni asked boldly, her heart still hammering in her chest from her orgasm and in anticipation of what Shelby's next move would be. 

  


"Put your hand back on my thigh." 

  


Toni bit her lip and nodded. She edged Shelby back flat on back and curled up next to her on her side. She stared down into Shelby eyes, getting completely lost in them. Suddenly, she felt overwhelmed with emotion; at how far they had come, at how lucky she felt, at how beautiful Shelby was. "I love you" once again bubbled up in her chest but she swallowed it hard, not wanting to ruin the moment and not ready to say it yet either. 

  


Shelby reached up, cupping her face, pulling her from her thoughts. Toni smiled down at her warmly. 

  


She trailed her hand across Shelby's stomach and then carefully down to her thigh, assuming its previous position squeezing at the inside of her thigh. Toni lay on her other arm, folder underneath her head, staring intently at Shelby who turned to face her. Between kisses, Toni couldn't help but to stare down at Shelby's body, her legs spread, one knee bent, her hand working between her legs. Shelby watched her stare, not feeling even a hint of self consciousness. 

  


Toni peppered kisses against Shelby's neck and jaw, trailing her hand up and down the inside of Shelby's thigh, rhythmically squeezing as she went, enjoying the gasps each time she squeezed a little rougher. Shelby had soon built herself up again, her hips rocking into her own hand. Her free hand had crawled up her t shirt and she was rolling one of her nipples between her fingers. Toni watched her hand move underneath her shirt, mouth dry. 

  


"You're perfect." Toni whispered into her ear, kissing it then sucking on the skin underneath so hard Shelby wondered if it would leave a mark. Toni's hand inched even higher so it was right up against Shelby's groin as she squeezed roughly once again. Shelby's hips bucked up hard. Toni could feel her hand quicken between her legs and she tore her lips away from kissing Shelby's neck to stare down at it. 

  


"You might want to move your hand." Shelby gasped, her face contorted, her brow furrowed. She was breathless, sweat pooling at her hairline from the effort of her hand working between her legs. 

  


Toni's mouth went even drier than it had already been and she groaned lowly in the back of her throat. "Do I have to?" She looked at Shelby with pleading eyes. The last thing Toni wanted was to move her hand away, to stop feeling the heat radiating between Shelby's legs, to stop feeling Shelby's hand bump harshly into her own, to stop feeling the warm skin under her palm. She knew exactly why Shelby was telling her to move her hand and there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to feel the wetness between Shelby's legs as she came. 

  


Shelby shook her head and moaned much too loudly, unable to help it. She grabbed Toni's neck roughly with her free hand, working her fingers into her hair, dragging her closer to kiss her. Toni gasped into her mouth, kissing her hard, squeezing her thigh even harder. 

  


And then Shelby was gasping her name over and over and Toni couldn't breath. She felt a rush of wetness over the back of her hand as Shelby's hips rose from the bed, her body shaking, ridged. Her nails scraped painfully into Toni's scalp, keeping her close but Toni loved it. 

  


"Fuck, Shelby." Was all Toni could say feeling the heat and wetness spread over the back of her hand. Shelby continued to shake as she jammed her legs together, causing Toni's hand to slip directly between them. Toni groaned against her lips, trying to tug her hand away but Shelby's legs were clamped tightly shut. Toni flushed, a flood of warmth rushing between her own legs and settling in a deep ache. 

  


"Sorry." Shelby gasped, her body relaxing and her legs falling apart. Toni withdrew her hand quickly, wishing she could have turned it instead and felt Shelby properly. Toni looked at her as she blushed, realising what had happened. Shelby's thighs were covered in her wetness, as was the towel underneath her and Toni's hand. 

  


Toni wasn't sure what to do with her hand, she tried to wipe it as discreetly as possible on the towel under Shelby's hips. If she knew that Shelby would have been okay with it, there would have been nothing she wanted more than to take the hand to her mouth and taste her. 

  


"Are you grossed out?" Shelby blushed. 

  


"No, that's like the fucking hottest thing ever, Shelby, trust me." Toni answered honestly. She tried not to think about being inside Shelby when she came or having her mouth on her or Shelby grinding against her and the rush of wetness that came with it. For once, her arousal had been sated, she didn't want to work herself up again. 

  


"I liked that." Shelby whispered after Toni had settled back onto her back beside her. Toni grinned and tugged Shelby into her chest, the same position they always fell asleep in, glad that at least tonight Shelby' wasn't going to freak out about what had happened. 

  


"Me too." She kissed against the side of her head, running her fingers up and down her arm. 

  


They lay silent for a few moments, Toni planting kisses against Shelby's head and Shelby kissing down against Toni's t shirt over her chest. 

  


"I can't believe we just did that." Shelby broke the silence, laughing loudly and Toni laughed with her. 

  


"Yeah, I can't say I was expecting it." Toni grinned. 

  


They lay smiling in comfortable silence. 

  


"I know it's not....sex." Shelby began and Toni could tell her smile had faded. "And it's not as good...or the same. But I wouldn't mind...doing somethin' like that again."

  


Toni felt her heart swell and she wanted to wrap Shelby up so tightly and never ever let her go. "That was a million times better."

  


"I know you're just sayin' that." Shelby let out a little shy laugh. 

  


Toni tilted Shelby's face up to look at her. "I'm not just saying that." Her voice was serious. "It's not about like a physical thing for me, it's about the emotional connection with the person."

  


Shelby nodded then swallowed. "And you feel that emotional...thing, with me huh?"

  


"Yes."

  


"More than with-" Shelby started to ask after a long few moments of silence. Toni could tell it the words were uncomfortable to say and she didn't want Shelby to have to, she knew what she was about to ask. 

  


"More than with anyone." She kissed the top of her head and felt Shelby finally settle, reassured. 

  


Toni wanted to say so much more but the moment seemed perfect and she didn't want to ruin it with something heavy. 

  


Toni fell asleep first, unusually for them, Shelby staying awake for quite some time after reliving the events of the night, listening to Toni's heart beat underneath her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I want to end this badly.... I just like the pain. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

"Good mornin'." Shelby yawned still groggy from sleep, nuzzling into Toni's chest. 

Toni had been awake for a little while already, thinking about the night before and how Shelby might react when she woke up. She was eternally relieved that Shelby didn't seem to be freaking out on her. 

Toni hummed her greeting back, pulled the sheets further around them and snuggled into Shelby, smiling contently. 

"Now I know why there's hardly ever any towels in your bathroom....I learn something new about you every day." Toni smirked, digging her fingers playfully into Shelby's ribs. Shelby squealed, wriggling on top of her until Toni stopped. 

"Shut up." She huffed shyly, burying her face into Toni's chest. 

Toni grinned even wider. 

"I don't do it that often." 

"What, get off or what you did last night?" Toni was curious. 

Shelby shifted on top of her, moving so her elbow by Toni's side was taking most of her weight. She looked down at her coyly. "I usually do it in the shower."

"Me too." Toni's eyes flickered between Shelby's lips and darkening eyes. "My only option when I share a room with Marty, I guess."

"Often?" Shelby dropped her eyes away from Toni's shyly, a far cry from her confidence last night. A smile played at Toni's lips, staring up at her. Toni enjoyed both sides of her equally. 

"Most nights." Shelby's eyes widen in surprised and she scoffed, looking back to Toni. 

"You're really that horny every night?"

"You're not?" Toni chuckled, trailing her fingers along Shelby's arm. "It's habit, I guess. Although I have been more lately..."

Toni's eyes darkened, she craned her neck to reach up to meet Shelby's lips. The kiss quickly became heated, Toni pulled Shelby fully on top of her, feeling her t shirt make direct contact between her legs as Shelby settled between them. After a moment, Shelby rocked her hips downwards. 

Toni broke away to trail kisses down Shelby's neck, her hands moving underneath her t shirt to feel her bare, warm skin. 

"Okay, stop." Shelby groaned after a minute or two, her hips coming to a stop. 

Toni's head fell back to the pillow immediately and she pouted up at Shelby who placed a final kiss on her lips and then rolled off of her. Toni's eyes followed, trailing down her t shirt to her bare thighs as Shelby pottered around the room before heading to the bathroom. 

"So, that charity event next month, you know the one I was telling you about?" Shelby asked when she came back after her shower. Toni was still lying in bed, her hands tucked behind her head. 

"The one you've been desperately searching for a real nice dress to look good for Andrew in?" Toni rolled her eyes. 

Shelby frowned. "I haven't been lookin’ for a dress to look good for him in."

Toni had been jealous for a few weeks, receiving pictures of various different dresses as Shelby shopped for the perfect one. She knew Shelby loved to get dressed up, often for no reason in particular but she hated that she was buying a new dress for something she was taking Andrew as her date to. 

"Anyways." Shelby shook her head. "I actually wanted to invite you and Martha..."

"Do I get a plus one?" Toni cocked her head.

She watched Shelby take a deep breath, her lips twitching for a moment before she sighed and raised her eyebrow, "Do you have someone you want to bring?"

And then they were staring at each other, Toni sitting up on the bed and Shelby shuffling awkwardly waiting for the answer. 

"Nah, I kinda just want to watch you and your boyfriend all night, alone." Toni couldn't help but let the sarcasm drip from her voice. She tried to settle herself, jealousy brewing up inside her. She wasn't sure what it was, the fact they had spent the night together how they did last night and now Shelby had to bring something up she'd been trying not to think about for the past few weeks, the fact that she felt closer to Shelby than ever, forgetting that her boyfriend even existed only to be harshly reminded once again. When they were together, just the two of them, Toni forgot it all. She forgot they were pretending, forgot that Shelby was still battling with figuring things out, forgot that Shelby had a boyfriend and wasn't in fact her girlfriend. Because that's exactly what it felt like to Toni. Until she was reminded that she certainly wasn't. 

Shelby looked at her sadly, shaking her head ever so slightly. "That's not what I meant..."

"No, there's no one I want to bring." Toni looked down at the sheets covering her lap, her words a little bitter. "I don't have someone else too, you know, it's just you."

Shelby nodded but Toni didn't see, still avoiding eye contact. "Okay, Toni." Her voice was sad as she sighed. 

Toni showered and they got dressed in silence. 

"I don't want to ruin something as special as last night with...with this." Shelby had taken a deep breath, preparing herself for some long minutes before she built up the nerve to walk over to Toni and take both her hands. "I just wanted you there, I thought it could be something fun for the three of us. For you and I. I promise it won't be like how you're makin' it in your head."

Toni sighed, Shelby's reassurance exactly what she needed but was too afraid to ask for. "I don't want to see you with him, like my heart can't take it, Shelby." Toni admitted. "Before I was just jealous but now it actually hurts."

"You know how I feel, Toni." Shelby pulled Toni's hands into her stomach, squeezing them. 

"I don't actually." Toni made eye contact but everything in her wanted to look away, feeling too vulnerable. She braced herself for what Shelby might say, feeling a knot in her stomach. She immediately felt guilty for saying it, feeling that she was indirectly pushing Shelby to think about or say something she obviously wasn't ready to say yet, to talk about yet.

"You do." Shelby looked at her with pleading eyes. "And you know how I really don't feel about Andrew." It was as much as Shelby could say in that moment and Toni supposed she understood. There was so much more she wanted to say to Shelby now that she just never would. 

Before anything more could be said there was a knock at the door and it immediately swung open before Shelby could reply. They dropped each others hands quickly, looking towards the door, all too aware of how inappropriately close they were still standing. 

"Daddy, hi." Shelby flushed, her voice cracking. Toni tried to take a step back as discreetly as she could under a scrutinising glare. 

"Good morning, Mr Goodkind." She tried to smile sweetly and calmly but her voice ended up sounding much like Shelby's. 

"Girls." He smiled tightly in the doorway, his fist rubbing into the palm of his other hand, looking back and forth between them. 

No one spoke for a long awkward few seconds. Toni wondered who she disliked more; Shelby's boyfriend or her dad. 

"You two comin’ down for breakfast? It's gettin' late." The tight smile was still in place. 

Toni watched Shelby spin on her heels to the clock on the wall behind them, she knew she was just doing it to ease some of the awkwardness and escape the burning stare of her father. When Shelby turned around again, she had fixed a smile on her lips. Toni watched her force out a convincing laugh as she raised her hands, waving them around. 

"Would you look at that!" She scoffed, still smiling. "I didn't even notice the time."

Toni felt like she needed to move, needed to do something but she didn't know what so she remained fixed in place. 

"You girls sleep in?" Dave took a step further into the room, his smile dropping slightly. "I thought I heard ya'll up pretty late last night...Sounded like someone was havin' a nightmare." He laughed then.

Toni heart stopped in her chest, she forced her gaze to remain on him. She could practically feel Shelby stop breathing beside her. 

"Oh Lord, she did, the poor girl barely slept a wink." Shelby's response was immediate. Toni geared herself up to go along with the lie, conjuring up in her head this nightmare she apparently had, but Shelby went on. "She actually left real early this mornin', her mom picked her up. Martha." Toni listened to Shelby's voice crack as she spoke, almost breathless. 

"Huh." Dave nodded, not looking entirely convinced. "You text me last night sayin' she wasn't comin'. Be nice to know who's actually in my house next time kiddo, never know who could be here if we ain't honest." Toni wasn't sure if she imagined his eyes flicker to her and then quickly away again. 

"Sorry, daddy." Shelby swallowed thickly. "She changed her mind, it was real last minute. I thought you wouldn't mind since it was Martha."

"Hey, I don't mind at all." Dave was smiling again, turning to walk out the door, his fake charm well in place. Toni wondered again if she imagined the look he had just given her. "Not like you’re sneakin' that boyfriend of yours in or something huh?" 

Shelby laughed awkwardly and Toni forced a smile.

"Never." Another awkward laugh. 

"Good girl." Dave winked, his eyes lingering on them for a moment before he retreated out the door, calling behind him. "Breakfast's goin' cold!"

Toni had never had much interaction with Dave Goodkind despite staying at his house so often. Whenever she was over it was almost always straight to Shelby's room and then straight out the door in the morning. On weekends he did some Churchy fitness class at the local community hall at the crack of dawn until noon so she never saw him then. He must have been taking a day off. 

When Shelby finally turned to her, she looked terrified, like she was going to cry. Toni automatically tried to reach out to comfort her but was met by a cold shrug away from her touch. 

"Shelby." She whispered. She knew exactly what was coming and honestly, after the interaction they'd just had with her dad, she understood. He was all fake smiles and intimidation. She understood why Shelby was so afraid of him. Toni's opinion of him was largely based on things she heard and the things Shelby told her. The times she'd interacted with him herself more than just a quick hello or goodbye were always uncomfortable. 

"I just need you to leave." Shelby whispered harshly, barely able to look at Toni. Toni's heart sunk.

Toni stared at her, mouth hanging open. 

"Toni!" Shelby snapped when she didn't reply and Toni could see the panic flaring in her eyes. "Didn't you hear any of that? I need you to leave, please go and I'll text you later. Please."

Toni could only fumble around the room, gathering her things wordlessly. She felt Shelby's eyes on her the whole time, standing in the middle of the room, nervously chewing at her nails, something Shelby never did. 

When Toni had gathered her things she shrugged sadly at Shelby who walked towards the bedroom room. She paused, facing it for a long moment before closing it with a heavy sigh and turning to face Toni. 

Shelby closed the few inches between them, placing a single gentle kiss on Toni's lips. When she pulled back, Toni watched a tear trickle down her cheek. 

"Shit." Toni breathed, rubbing the back of her hand over her own eyes. "Why did that feel like the last time?"

Shelby's lip quivered, another tear falling. She shook her head, reaching behind her to open the bedroom door, never looking away from Toni. "I'm sorry." She whispered. 

They gathered themselves, wiped their tears and made their way downstairs, using the backdoor so as to avoid Shelby's family. When Toni curled her hand around the door frame to pull it open, Shelby placed her hand on top and didn't move it away until Toni's fingers slipped out from underneath her as she walked away without another word. 

///

Toni didn't hear from Shelby for the rest of the day Saturday, she didn't hear anything from her on Sunday and on Tuesday Martha told her that Shelby had called into school sick just like Toni had for the previous two days. Martha suggested that they must have caught the same bug when they'd seen each other on Friday and joked that she was glad she didn't end up sleep over after all. 

Toni didn't text or call like she had last time Shelby ignored her. She knew it would do no good, she knew Shelby had made her decision the moment her father had walked into her bedroom that morning. 

It wasn't that she didn't want to fight for Shelby, to show up at her house and take her away from everything, run off together, just the two of them, live happily ever after. She just knew that wasn't real, that that didn't happen, that real life wasn't like that. She was worried sick that Shelby was stuck at home with her homophobic father who possibly knew everything and was preparing to ship her off to some Pray-the-gay-away camp so she had Martha call her to check-in a few times. 

When Shelby told Martha she'd be back at school on Wednesday, Toni could finally breath a sigh of relief. 

Toni wasn't sure what was next. She was certain whatever they had going on was over but was their entire friendship going to be too? Toni knew Shelby; knew when she was hurt or scared that she needed to process and be alone but after she had, that's when Toni came in, when Shelby needed her. 

Toni wondered just when that would be and on Wednesday morning, her phone buzzed with a text from Shelby. 

That evening, Toni stood on the Blackburn's steps waiting for Shelby to pull up to meet her just like she'd asked her to do that morning. 

Toni's heart thudded as she waited, her palms sweating inside her pockets. Her stomach fluttered when she saw the familiar car slow to a stop, she tried not to rush too quickly to the door. 

Shelby had clearly been crying, Toni could tell. Her heart tugged painfully in her chest at the sight of the blonde girl, eyes puffy and red, tears streaked down her face. 

They didn't greet each other, Shelby only offered a small smile before driving the short distance to an almost always deserted parking lot they often drove to together. 

Shelby killed the car lights but kept the engine running, keeping them warm. 

"I know our little thing is over." Toni began needing to know what was going to happen but hating her own choice of words. Their thing, whatever it was, had been far from 'little' to her. "But are we still gonna be friends?" Toni thought back to the night Shelby had broken down in her arms in a way Toni had never seen before or since, the night Shelby promised that they'd always be friends no matter what happened between them.

Shelby nodded her head, taking in a gasp of air as she let out a sob Toni could tell she was desperately trying to hold in. Toni turned her eyes away from her, dropping them into her own lap, she couldn't see her like that and not be able to do anything about it. She wanted to, needed to, reach out and hold her but she knew she couldn't, not now. 

"Toni, I just can’t risk it." Shelby's heartbreak was evident in her voice. Toni cringed painfully at the sound of her voice, her hurt. "You heard him, he must know something and...and I can’t risk it.”

Toni only nodded, sucking her lower lip between her teeth, staring out of the windshield with blurry tear filled eyes. She really did understand. 

“We can’t do this anymore.” Shelby went on and Toni at least took some comfort in how much is sounded like it pained Shelby to say, to decide. At least she wasn’t so easy to just leave. 

“Please say something.” Shelby choked out after another few seconds filled with silence. 

Toni sucked in a deep breath, putting on a sad smile like she’d watched Shelby do so many times, and turned to her. She didn’t want to make it any worse, she could see how Shelby’s heart was already breaking. 

“It’s okay.” Toni wasn’t sure what was going to come out of her mouth when she opened it. 

Shelby let out another soft sob and Toni had to fight hard not to look away from her. 

“We just need some time, don’t we?” Shelby shook her head to clear her thoughts, “And then it’ll be like nothing ever happened. We’ll go back to how it was.” 

“Great!” Toni sadly. “That’s fucking great, Shelby.” 

Toni was almost certain she was going to throw up, she placed her hand on the door handle just in case. 

“I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean - God, I can’t fucking think!” Shelby slammed her hand onto the steering wheel causing the horn to go off, making Toni jump. She quickly steadied herself, or at least tried to. 

Toni was torn, feeling like led in the seat, like she couldn’t even blink without feeling drained by it. 

“I get what you’re saying, Shelby. Fuck, I even understand why you’re doing this. But don’t tell me it’ll be like nothing ever happened, don’t pretend that to yourself either.” 

“I didn’t mean that, Toni.” Shelby screwed her eyes shut and messaged her temples. She had a blinding headache from days of crying and thinking so much she was sure her head was actually going to explode at any moment. “I can’t just forget what’s happened, how can I do that now? But how much worse have we made it allowing ourselves that little bit of....of...of happiness together? I should have just kept pretendin’ and then it would only be me who’s hurt. ” 

Toni sighed heavily. She knew there was too much going on in Shelby’s head for her to think, never mind voice her thoughts properly. 

“You said all the pretending stuff was because you didn’t want to lose me, right? Well, I don’t want to lose you either. Whatever you want to decide I’ll do.” Toni sighed after a few long seconds of silence. Shelby deflated in the seat beside her.

“Maybe when we get out of here, go to college...” Shelby searched through her thoughts. “Maybe we could actually be together then.”

“Yeah, maybe Shelby.” Toni agreed almost sarcastically because that was so long away and Toni didn’t know how she was going to get through the next few minutes never mind the next few years. 

They looked at each other. Out of habit Toni’s eyes flickered to Shelby’s lips and she turned away, laughing at herself sadly, shaking her head. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to hide her feelings the way she once had. The thought of not being able to kiss or touch or hold Shelby the way she had gotten so used to made tears well up in her eyes. 

“Toni nothing is going to change, not much, not really...” Shelby tried and Toni felt like she was actually talking to herself, trying to convince herself of her words. 

“Can you honestly tell me this is going to make you happy?” 

Shelby’s mouth fell open but no words came it, she closed it and sighed. 

“No, I’m going to be freakin’ miserable.” Shelby whispered then hesitated for a second before she reached across and took one of Toni’s hands. 

Toni closed her eyes sadly at the touch knowing it was probably going to be the last time they held hands. She placed her other hand on top of Shelby’s, trying hard to imprint into her memory exactly how it felt. She suddenly felt like she hadn’t appreciated a single moment they had together, not the way she should have and now it was too late. 

“But if we continue...we’re only gonna fall deeper, only gonna increase the chances of someone catchin’ us or findin’ out and I’m not losing you, I can’t.” 

Toni didn’t want to think past this moment, she didn’t want to think about Shelby driving her back, didn’t want to think about getting out of the car and then not knowing what to do with herself. 

“Can we sit like this for a few more minutes?” Toni squeezed her hand, eyes flickering to her briefly, nervously, before looking back though the windshield. 

Shelby squeezed her hand back, yes. 

Toni rubbed over the back of her hand, kneaded and touched and held it close against her stomach, closing her eyes when Shelby squeezed back. 

“Why does it feel like we’ve just...broken up?” Shelby laughed sadly through tears. 

Toni turned her head to look at her with a sad smile, tears spilling over her eyes again. 

“Yeah.” She whispered, another squeeze. “Kinda felt like we really had something, huh?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People taking the time to read this and leave comments and kudos truly means so much to me, thank you so much. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Toni wasn’t the kind of person who cried herself to sleep, that wasn’t how she dealt with her emotions. Any unspent, unexpressed feelings weren’t saved for the nighttime where she could cry it out alone. Instead, she let them bubble up inside her, fester as she tried to pushed them down deeper and deeper until there was no room left and she popped. 

  


But she had worked so hard for the longest time at not doing that. It was the reason Toni had joined the basketball team. And it helped, it did. 

  


But even basketball didn’t feel like enough anymore. The week following her and Shelby’s “break up”, because that’s most definitely what it felt like, Toni didn’t give herself a chance to think. She spent hours after school every day with a basketball in her hand. She was exhausted but that’s what she needed. She needed to be so tired and so depleted of energy that when she lay down at night, she fell asleep straight away, no chance for any thoughts to keep her awake. 

  


Her exhaustion was making her crabby and even more snarky than usual and Martha was baring the brunt of it. So she tried to distance herself from her while she tried to figure it all out. 

  


Toni deliberately didn’t avoid Shelby but she also didn’t go out of her way to see her either and that was working. She got a ride with Shelby to school, sat with her at lunch most days and hung out with her - but only ever when Martha was there. 

  


Shelby was trying so hard to be her friend and not let things change, it was breaking Toni’s heart even more; how much Shelby cared about her and wanted to make sure she was okay even though Toni knew she was hurting so much herself. 

  


Toni had agreed to go to the Charity Event, much to Shelby’s excitement. And Martha was over the moon, insisting they all go shopping together. Toni made her excuses, saying she already had plans with Regan and then immediately text Regan to make those plans to ease her guilt. 

  


Toni spent Friday night alone. Martha was sleeping over at Shelby’s and Toni pretended she was staying with Regan. She saw the hurt in Shelby’s eyes when she told them that, hurt that she tried so desperately to hide, and text her later explaining it was just an excuse so Martha didn’t ask questions, much to Shelby’s relief. 

  


On Saturday morning, Shelby and Martha went shopping. Regan picked Toni up and they hung out all day. Toni hadn’t told her anything, but she knew something was wrong. She only asked once and when Toni told her she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, Regan spoke about everything and anything else instead. 

  


Toni joined Shelby and Martha for ice cream later in the afternoon, not wanting to put so much distance between them that it hurt them more. 

  


That afternoon, for the first time since they decided to just be friends, Toni actually relaxed in Shelby’s company. It left her wondering whether they could actually just be friends or not. Shelby had been right, if they didn’t allow there to be much difference there wouldn’t be. The only real difference was the physical side of their relationship. But God, Toni missed it. She missed just lying next to Shelby, she missed Shelby sleeping on her chest and holding her hand, she missed being able to run her hands through her hair or even just hug her. They hadn’t touched once, not even by accident.

  


Toni had tried to keep her feelings tucked away, stuff them back down as far as she could but it was impossible for them not to resurface. She was able to keep her thoughts and feelings to herself but they hadn’t gone anywhere. And it absolutely killed her not being able to say how she felt; not being able to tell Shelby she looked beautiful with her hair down the way she had it, or that the colour of her shirt made her gorgeous green eyes even more gorgeous, or that her car that day smelled exactly like her sheets the last time Toni had slept in her bed and it made Toni’s stomach absolutely ache. 

  


There were only a few occasions that Toni had to see Andrew and Shelby together and Toni knew it had a lot to do with Shelby ensuring that was the case. She was ever grateful because she didn’t think her heart could take it. 

  


The only time they’d been alone together was two weeks later when Toni, Shelby and Martha had been studying in the library and Martha remembered she had a doctors appointment. She bolted from the table, rushing out the door barely having explained why. Toni felt instantly awkward and wanted to run off after her.

  


She and Shelby shared an awkward laugh when their friend disappeared abruptly from sight and then Toni looked immediately back to her open textbook on the table, tapping her pencil nervously against her face. She could see the subtle movement of Shelby’s head every few minutes as she looked up from her textbook to stare at Toni. Toni never looked up to meet her eyes. 

  


Admittedly, it wasn’t as bad as Toni thought it would be and she acknowledged that it was just something she was going to have to get used to. 

  


So when Shelby set her pencil down and said her name, Toni only hesitated for a brief second before offering her a small smile. 

  


“Yeah?” 

  


“Have you got something to wear yet? I know it’s still 3 weeks away and not everyone needs to shop months beforehand like me.” Shelby rolled her eyes at herself with a soft chuckle. 

  


Toni smiled back, twisting her pencil between her fingers. 

  


“Uh, no not yet.” Toni admitted then meeting Shelby’s hopeful eyes, decided to make more of an effort. “Why, you stressing out about my current lack of outfit?” 

  


Shelby laughed, the tension between them easing a little. She watched Toni tap her pencil against the table, pursing her lips, staring down at it. 

  


“I’m stressin’ out about my current lack of outfit! When I sort mine then I’ll stress about yours!” 

  


They shared a laugh. Toni relaxed in her chair. This wasn’t so bad after all. 

  


“So I know it’s uh...” Shelby shook her head, fumbling her words then flushing pink. “You can say no. I guess I just want to know if you’d like to come shopping with me...this weekend? For a dress. Or like whatever you want too...doesn’t have to be a dress.” 

  


Toni considered for a moment, their eyes meeting. She swallowed and found herself giving a small nod. Shelby was trying so hard and Toni had just run away from it, she wanted to try to make it easier for Shelby too the way Shelby had tried so hard to make it easier for her. It wasn’t easy, not at all, but Toni appreciated her effort endlessly. 

  


“We can do that.” Toni shrugged. 

  


Shelby’s lips curled up into a smile that she tried to suppress but it only caused the corners of her mouth to tug up even more. Toni found that she was doing the exact same thing. They shared another laugh, a genuine laugh. 

  


“Like just you and I?” Shelby confirmed her intentions. 

  


“Sure.” Toni shrugged again trying to play it cool but her heart was hammering in her chest. 

  


A few days later, Toni, Martha and Regan were at the movie theatre and Toni knew it was just her luck to watch Shelby and Andrew exit just as they entered. It was as if the universe was toying with her; if they’d left Martha’s even a second later, they’d have never have bumped into them. 

  


Andrew had his arm slung lazily over Shelby’s shoulder as they walked in silence. Andrew with his ever present douchey smirk and Shelby’s lips in a tight line. 

  


“Shelby!” Martha of course called, waving. Shelby looked startled, her eyes flashing between the three of them, settling on Toni’s then quickly looking away. 

  


Shelby shrugged out from under Andrew’s arm and met Martha in a hug. Toni busied herself staring at the floor. 

  


They chatted briefly whilst Andrew was in the bathroom. 

  


Regan placed a discreet hand on Toni’s lower back, out of sight of anyone, comforting her. Toni still hadn’t told her what had happened but she knew that Regan pretty much knew something had been going on between her and Shelby and it was now over. 

  


Shelby left with an apologetic look flashed in Toni’s direction and Toni gave her a soft smile, the last thing she wanted was Shelby to feel bad. 

  


When they sat down through the commercials Toni saw a text from Shelby pop up on Regan’s phone. Regan didn’t mention it so Toni didn’t ask. 

  


Toni nervously anticipated their shopping trip for the next few days. On Saturday morning she found herself changing her shirt 3 different times and fixing her hair in the mirror for a lot longer than usual. 

  


The trip into town was comfortable enough, Shelby singing along to songs in the car, Toni listening with a knotted stomach. Toni fought hard to not keep stealing glances at the girl beside her but every so often she’d forget she wasn’t meant to be looking and her head would turn. 

  


///

  


“How do I look for months and not find one and then find two that I can’t choose from in the same day?” Shelby pouted holding two dresses outstretched on the hangers in front of her, admiring them. 

  


“Clearly I’m your good luck charm.” Toni winked. Shelby looked over to her, away from the dresses, giving a sweet smile. 

  


“Clearly.” 

  


“I’m gonna try ‘em on!” She grinned, sweeping the dresses together and dancing off to the dressing rooms. Toni followed behind her, a dressy jump suit from another store already bagged up, swinging from her hand. 

  


Toni hadn’t even tried it on much to Shelby’s horror. She knew it would fit. 

  


Toni hovered around outside the dressing rooms, flickering through some clothes on the nearby racks with little interest. 

  


Her phone buzzed in her pocked and she frowned seeing Shelby’s name flash on her screen. 

  


“Hello?” 

  


“Where are you?” 

  


“Outside?” 

  


“Oh.” Shelby breathed. “Umm, could you come help me?” 

  


“Help you what?” Toni asked before she considered her words, they sounded harsh. In the split second it took her to answer she’d already envisioned a million different scenarios inside the dressing room “helping” Shelby that did not end well for her. 

  


“Jeez!” Shelby laughed down the phone confirming her tone had come across as harsh as she feared. 

  


“Sorry.” Toni laughed back feeling silly. “I’m coming.” 

  


“Okay.” 

  


“Okay.” 

  


“I’m hanging up.”

  


“Okay.”

  


“Okay.” 

  


Toni laughed nervously as she made her way into the little area filled with dressing rooms, their unnecessarily prolonged conversation telling her Shelby was feeling as nervous as she was. 

  


Toni gave the only closed curtains a little shake, calling Shelby’s name. 

  


Shelby pulled the curtain open to reveal herself standing in one of the two dresses. Toni stepped back, eyes widening, taking her in.

  


“Shit, wow.” She breathed and then cleared her throat. “That’s...yeah, that’s nice.” 

  


“Nice?!” Shelby laughed, smoothing the dress under her fingers, her brow furrowing.

  


“Sorry, yeah, no, it’s good. Like you look nice.” Toni tried to recover, cringing when she said the word nice again. 

  


Shelby hummed with a little smirk, holding Toni’s eyes for a moment and then turning to look at herself in the mirror. 

  


“I guess I’ll try the other.” She teased, and the curtains were pulled closed. Toni took a step back, cursing herself. 

  


“Idiot.” She whispered under her breath, shaking her head. 

  


“Toni?” Shelby called a few minutes later. 

  


“Yeah?” 

  


Shelby drew the curtain back slightly, still kept out of sight by it. When Toni stood still waiting, Shelby poked her head around. 

  


“Are you coming in, I need a little help.” She asked shakily, pressing her lips together.

  


“Uh, okay.” 

  


Toni’s heart thudded in her chest. Whatever this was, it wasn’t a good idea. She closed the curtain behind her and stood awkwardly against the back wall of the little room, clutching her bag in front of her with both hands, eyes flickering around the ceiling. 

  


“You are making this so awkward.” Shelby blurted out then started laughing.

  


Toni groaned and dropped her eyes to her finally. “God, I know.” She admitted with a grimace but managed a laugh. 

  


“Just help me zip this darn thing.” Shelby finally gave her some instruction much to Toni’s appreciation. The tension between them eased. Shelby spun towards the floor length mirror on the wall behind her and Toni was left staring at her back. 

  


The dress was strapless, tugging in at Shelby’s waist flatteringly. Shelby held the dress against her chest, waiting. 

  


Toni dropped her bag to the floor, clasped her hands together awkwardly and then took a step towards Shelby. Her eyes gazed over the bare skin of Shelby’s back, noting the freckles dotted around and the ever so slight indent in Shelby’s skin where her bra had just been. Her eyes moved higher to Shelby’s bare shoulders, her long blonde hair flicked over one side, leaving the other side completely naked. She licked her lips, suddenly noticing how dry her mouth had become. 

  


“Toni.” Shelby spoke softly and Toni glanced at her in the mirror’s reflection. 

  


“I am.” She nodded before placing a hand on the small of Shelby’s back just underneath the zip of her dress. This was the first time they had touched in a long few weeks. Toni grasped the zip and started to tug it upwards, missing each freckle and inch of skin as the material of the dress came together to cover her. 

  


When she reached the top, she grazed her fingers delicately down the back of the dress and then quickly dropped her hands. 

  


She met Shelby’s eyes in the reflection of the mirror. Shelby’s hand had dropped to clasp over her stomach, her mouth slightly parted. 

  


And Toni knew she shouldn’t, she knew it was a really fucking bad idea. But Shelby asking her into the changing room was a bad idea. Shelby asking her to come shopping with her was a bad idea. Toni allowed herself her own bad idea. 

  


She held Shelby’s gaze in the mirror as she took the tiniest step forward before dropping her eyes to the bare skin of Shelby’s shoulder. She swallowed heavily, screaming at herself in her head to not do this with absolutely zero intention of listening to herself. 

  


She raised her left hand to Shelby’s waist, laying it gently over the soft material of the dress. She heard Shelby’s sharp intake of breath and reminded herself again; this was a really fucking bad idea. She gave Shelby plenty of time to pull away, to stop her. But she didn’t. 

  


When Toni dropped her eyes then closed them, placing a single soft kiss on the skin of Shelby’s back right below her shoulder, Shelby sighed, her own eyes dropping closed. 

  


Toni looked to the reflection over Shelby’s shoulder, pulling her lips away slowly, Shelby’s eyes opening and immediately meeting hers in the mirror. 

  


Toni licked her lips, keeping eye contact and then lowered her mouth again, this time an inch closer to curve of Shelby’s neck. And Shelby fell softly back into her, Toni’s entire front now pressed into her back. The hand on Shelby’s waist tightened. 

  


Toni ghosted her lips along Shelby’s skin, eventually coming to the curve of her neck. She raised her free hand to sweep away some of the little hairs not already neatly tucked over Shelby’s shoulder. Shelby shivered, Toni’s breath hitching in her throat. 

  


This was definitely a bad idea but Toni just couldn’t help herself. Shelby’s warm body pressed against her in the most gorgeous dress she had ever seen was setting a familiar fire deep inside her. She had missed touching Shelby more than anything and Shelby’s reaction told her she felt the exact same way. 

  


The next kiss was pressed softly against the side of Shelby’s neck and when she let out a low groan, Toni just couldn’t help herself. She pressed an opened mouthed kiss against her skin, her hand circling around the side of Shelby’s neck. Another groan, another kiss. 

  


“You look so fucking beautiful.” Toni whispered against her skin, another kiss. She curled her arms around Shelby’s waist, clasping together over her stomach. Shelby closed her hands over Toni’s, gripping them tightly against her stomach as Toni hugged her from behind, both their eyes falling closed. Toni, on her tip toes, pressed her nose against the crook of Shelby’s neck, nuzzling, taking a deep breath, needing to remember exactly how she smelled. They stayed like that for a long few minutes, Toni just holding her, not saying a word. 

  


“Toni.” Shelby finally broke the silence and Toni suddenly pulled away, staring at Shelby in the reflection. 

  


Toni snapped out of it then. It was a really fucking bad idea. She couldn’t go back to square one, she couldn’t keep doing it. 

  


“Sorry.” Her voice was low and husky. She cleared her throat, stepping back. “I’m gonna...walk home, I think that’s a good idea.” Toni nodded towards the curtains, her eyes unable to leave Shelby’s. Shelby stood, opened mouthed, cheeks flushed, still. 

  


“I’m sorry.” Toni apologised again, shaking her head. Then she pushed through the curtains and was standing out in the street before she’d had her next though. It was only when she had made her way 10 minutes down the street, her mind racing, that she realised she’d forgotten her bag. 

  


She cursed and turned back, pulling her phone out of her pocket to send an awkward text to Shelby, but when she looked at her phone she had already beat her to it. 

  


**Don’t worry, I have your stuff. Can drop off it later, let me know**

  


Toni looked at the message for a few seconds then put her phone into her pocket and continued walking home. 

  


All the way, all she could think was it really had been a bad idea but somehow she still didn’t regret it. She could still smell Shelby, feel her soft skin under her lips, her body pressed into her. 

  


Toni opted to get her bag at school on Monday, not ready for the awkward encounter. If a few days passed before they saw each other again, it wouldn’t be so bad. 

  


A few hours of fretting alone later, Regan sent her a picture of a pack of beer and a bottle of vodka, Regan’s thumb stuck out in front of it in a thumbs up. 

  


Toni text her back asking if she could read her mind. Regan replied ‘maybe’. 

  


Hours later, Toni was drunk, lying on Regan’s bed telling her everything. 

  


“Shit, dude.” Regan frowned sympathetically. “Come here.” 

  


Toni fell into her arms, Regan cradling her tightly. 

  


There was nothing but friendship between them now, Toni loved Regan in the exact same way she loved Martha. That’s how Toni knew she was in so deep with Shelby. It had been so easy with Regan, it would have been so easy to stay with her. But she only wanted Shelby, as hard and as painful as it was. Toni couldn’t help but be frustrated, knowing if Shelby’s family weren’t how they were, that they would be so happy together and it would be as easy as her and Regan had been. 

  


“I’m gonna call her.” Toni decided. 

  


“Uh are you sure that’s a good idea, you’re pretty fucking wrecked.” Regan glanced down at her, uncertain. 

  


But before anything else could be said, Toni was slipping off the bed and out the door, phone in hand. Regan sighed, flopping back onto the bed, preparing for the worst. 

  


Toni stumbled back and forth on Regan’s front porch as she waited for Shelby to pick up the phone. She did on the fourth ring. 

  


“Hey, are you okay?” Shelby already sounded concerned. 

  


“Hi.” Toni tried to make sure her words didn’t sound slurred. She stilled, picking at some peeling paint on the wall. 

  


“Are you drunk?” 

  


“Yes.” Shelby knew her too well, so well she could tell from a single word. 

  


“Are you at home? Do you need me to come get you?” 

  


“I’m at Regan’s.” 

  


“Oh.” Toni listened to Shelby’s voice drop. “And you’re calling me drunk?” 

  


“Yeah.”

  


Toni started pacing again, suddenly feeling a lot more sober, not sure why she was actually calling. There was a long few seconds of silence. 

  


“Can I come pick you up? Take you home?” 

  


“Why, because you don’t want me to be drunk staying at my ex girlfriends house?” Toni breathed into the phone, her heart racing. She needed to know Shelby cared as much as she did, that she wasn’t okay with any of this either. “Because you think something might happen?” 

  


Toni could hear Shelby breathing on the other end of the phone and she imagined her opening her mouth to say something then closing it again. Toni waited for a reply but grew impatient. 

  


“Tell me that’s why. I need to hear that that’s why.” Her voice was soft and she felt drunk and pathetic but she couldn’t help it. She’d put on a brave face for all these months and she was absolutely head over heels for a girl she couldn’t be with and she just didn’t care enough to hide it anymore, not when she was drunk. If Shelby cared as much as her, even if they weren’t going to be together, that at least made it better. 

  


“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Toni’s heart fluttered at her soft words. It was so easy for Shelby to make her feel special. 

  


“So that other stuff is nothing to do with it?” She pushed, needing more. 

  


“Yes that has a lot to do with it, Toni. You know it does.” Shelby admitted with a sigh. 

  


Toni took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. 

  


“I’ll be honest and say what you want to hear if that’ll make you feel better, Toni. I know it’s not fair.” 

  


“Say how you feel. That’s all I want.” Toni sat down on the steps, trailing her fingers along the ground as she spoke. 

  


She heard Shelby sigh and then sigh again after a moment passed. Toni knew she was considering it and what was there to lose now? The anticipation was killing her, she opened her mouth to say something but Shelby beat her to it. 

  


“No, I don’t want you to stay at your ex girlfriend’s house when you’re drunk and upset. No, I don’t want anything to happen between you two and yes, I am worried it would.” Shelby was breathing shakily into the phone as she spoke, clearly frustrated by her own feelings that she thought were unfair. But Toni needed to hear it, she didn’t care that it was unfair. “I don’t want anyone else to touch you, I don’t want you to touch anyone else.”

  


Toni clutched the phone to her ear, head tipped back against the wall beside the stairs, savouring the words.

  


“Do you feel better?” Shelby asked when Toni didn’t speak. 

  


“Yes.” Shelby didn’t have to wait a second for the reply. 

  


Then they were both laughing, belly laughing down the phone and Toni felt dizzy. She cursed under her breath, laughing at herself, her drunkness, their conversation. 

  


When the laughter died down they settled into another silence. “Do you want me to come pick you up?” Shelby asked again, more seriously. 

  


“I can’t see you, not like this.” Toni shook her head. 

  


“I’ll take you straight home.”

  


“I’ll end up kissing you. I wanted to kiss you earlier.” Toni admitted. And while kissing her shoulder and neck earlier was definitely still a bad idea, Toni, now drunk, knew she’d make an even worse decision that would lead to them both hurting more if she saw Shelby tonight. 

  


“Me too.” Shelby’s voice was sad. 

  


“Do you wish I had?”

  


“Toni.” 

  


“I just need to know it’s not just easy for you to give me up.” Toni thought back to seeing Shelby and Andrew at the movie theatre, how she was just going about her normal life and how Toni couldn’t do the same. She hated that she couldn’t. 

  


“Toni, this is the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. I am so used to pretendin’, everything about me is pretend. If you think I don’t care it’s because I’m so good at pretendin’.” 

  


“It’s not pretend.”

  


“It is.” Shelby sighed. “Who I am, such a big part of me...no one knows but you. Every part of who I am tryin’ to be is me hiding away from who I actually am.”

  


“You’re you to me.” Toni considered what Shelby was saying and how brave it was for her to admit it. But she saw the real Shelby, Shelby let her and only her. 

  


“Only to you.” 

  


Toni nodded her head but said nothing, another silence settling between them. 

  


“I uh, bought the dress you liked.” Shelby admitted shyly after clearing her throat. Toni found herself smiling, a smile which tugged up further into a grin. 

  


“You looked beautiful.” Toni told her sincerely, licked her lips and then said. “You’re always beautiful.” 

  


Toni could practically feel the heat of Shelby’s blushing cheeks through the phone. She knew she was smiling and it made her smile wider. 

  


“I was never tryin’ to be pretty for Andrew. Just you.” Toni definitely knew Shelby was smiling now and her heart felt like it was so big it could burst out of her chest.

  


“Let me ask you a question” Toni licked her lips nervously, hazy with alcohol and the effects of Shelby’s words.

  


“What?” Shelby sounded just as nervous. 

  


“Do you think you can ever just be friends with someone you’ve been in love with?” 

  


“What?” Shelby stuttered, voice cracking. 

  


“It’s just a general question that means absolutely nothing, that I thought right now was a great time to ask your opinion on.” Toni was boldened by the alcohol. She knew full well Shelby knew exactly why and what she was asking but she tried to make it lighter than it was in the hopes Shelby would actually answer. 

  


“Is it?” Her voice still cracking. 

  


“Yes.”

  


“A question you’d be asking me sober?”

  


“No.”

  


“Toni.”

  


“Do you think you can?”

  


“No.”

  


“Why not?”

  


“Depends, there could be lots of reasons.” 

  


“Give me one.”

  


There was a very long pause and Toni could hear Shelby take shaky breaths. Then she answered. 

  


“Because you’ll always still be a little in love with them.”

  


Toni nodded. While it wasn’t true for her and Regan, it was certainly true for her and Shelby. She swallowed, gathering all the courage she could muster, courage she definitely wouldn’t have had sober. 

  


“That’s why I can’t ever just be your friend, Shelby.” 

  


It was the most she could say in that moment, the words “I love you”, still trapped in her throat. In all the years they’d been friends, they’d never once said it to each other. It wasn’t Toni’s thing, it was almost like it meant too much to her to speak out loud. The only person she’d ever said it to was Regan. 

  


But she knew Shelby knew exactly what she meant because after another moment of silence, Shelby whispered back. 

  


“I guess I can’t ever be just your friend either then.” 

  


Toni’s stomach flooded with warmth and her head tipped back again, revelling in the moment she knew would be short lived, in Shelby feeling the same and admitting it.

  
“I’ll see you on Monday, okay?” Shelby didn’t wait for an answer before she hung up, her voice filled with as much emotion as Toni felt.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and waiting for this update which I’ve had to type every word of on the notes app in my phone.... 
> 
> Long because I have an incessant, annoying need to explain every little detail.
> 
> A lot goes on in this.

The next time Toni sees Shelby is Monday morning when she climbs into her car. Shelby doesn’t look happy but offers Toni a small smile which Toni returns and then stares hard out of the windscreen for the rest of the journey. Martha gives up trying to make small talk when neither of them seem particularly interested in returning it, leaving the music playing on the radio to fill the silence. 

  


Toni sat stiffly, painfully aware that they had both confessed their feelings, in not so many words, on the phone only a few nights before. They hadn’t spoken since and Toni knew Shelby well enough to know that they were probably going to act as if it hadn’t happened at all.

  


They arrived to school a little early and Martha opted to meet up with Marcus rather than sit and wait in the car, much to Toni’s horror. She unbuckled her seat belt and shuffled awkwardly in her seat, planning to dart out after Martha but she was a moment too late and her friend was gone. 

  


Toni glanced sideways to gauge Shelby’s reaction to them being left alone and found Shelby sitting just as stiffly as she was. 

  


“Good weekend?” Toni finally offered, the silence unbearable. She wracked her brain for something to say, something normal, something that wasn’t; Hey, Shelby, you know when I phoned you drunk and you said you didn’t think two people who were in love could just be friends and I said I couldn’t ever just be your friend and you said it back, that means you’re in love with me right? 

  


Shelby nodded quickly, still staring ahead. When she stopped nodding, she turned her head slowly to look at Toni briefly and smiled tightly. “Real good. Uh, I think my parents are getting my sister a dog for her birthday, so...” 

  


“Oh?” Toni nodded. “Nice.” 

  


Silence once again filled the car. Toni tried again. 

  


“I’ve never had a dog actually. Or like the family I’ve been with have never had a dog. You’d think having so many foster families, one of them would have a dog, right?” She laughed softly with a shrug. 

  


Shelby turned to her with the same eyes she always gave her whenever Toni talked about growing up. It wasn’t pity, it wasn’t sympathy, it was more like admiration. It made Toni feel something so deep inside her, deeper than she’d ever felt anything before, every time. 

  


She quickly averted her eyes away from Shelby, as though Shelby might be able to read her mind if she looked into them for too long. Because talking about her past made Toni’s mind suddenly flash with visions of her future, their future. Children and dogs and happiness, so much more than either of them had ever had in their own families. She knew it was a little ridiculous to be fantasising about a life with a girl who she wasn’t even with. It wasn’t the first time Toni had thought about it, often falling asleep to those exact thoughts, but it felt so much more private now with Shelby staring right at her. 

  


She realised she was blushing, a warm flush crawling over her. She stared hard into the glass of the windscreen. 

  


“What about a cat?” Shelby suggested, making the conversation light which made Toni relax instantly. 

  


“Uh yeah, maybe.” Toni thought hard. “I’m sure I’ve seen a few running around.” 

  


“You’re definitely a cat person.” Again, Shelby’s attempt to keep the conversation light didn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated. 

  


Toni relaxed enough to joke, “Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I’m a cat person. In fact,” Toni paused for a second, thinking. “I don’t actually know any lesbians who are cat people, pretty sure it’s a total myth.” 

  


“I’m a cat person.” Shelby blurted out and then looked at Toni like she really didn’t mean to. 

  


It took Toni a second to process what Shelby had said and the possible deeper meaning behind it. She didn’t know if Shelby had meant it or if it was an off handed comment she hadn’t thought through but when she turned Shelby was staring nervously at her, holding her breath. 

  


Shelby’s eyes flickered like she wanted to look away, like it was so hard for her to keep looking at Toni. 

  


Toni’s stomach and chest and heart filled with warmth and she suddenly felt like she might cry. Her lips curled into a sweet, kind smile and her eyes softened even more as she looked at Shelby who relaxed ever so slightly. Shelby’s lips began to turn up at the corners, mirroring Toni’s smile. 

  


“That’s all I can say...right now.” Shelby breathed out as she finally released the breath she’d long held inside. “I can’t say it. I didn’t know I was even going to say _that_ ...I guess it just came out. But I think I’m okay with it.”

  


Toni laughed and Shelby quickly realised her unintentional pun and she cringed at herself, embarrassed. 

  


“That wasn’t a pun.” 

  


Toni laughed again and Shelby laughed with her, the mood in the car changing. When their laughter died down, Toni offered a sincere smile. 

  


“Not to make it like a thing...” She knew Shelby would want to brush past her admission as quickly as possibly but Toni wanted to give it some acknowledgement, still feeling overwhelmed by it, by Shelby’s honesty and trust in her. “But I’m really fucking proud of you. That’s all I’ll say, promise.” 

  


Shelby tucked her chin down against her chest shyly, glancing at Toni quickly and blushing. Toni couldn’t help but smile wider, once again feeling like she could just cry. 

  


Toni couldn’t look away, couldn’t take her eyes off of the beautiful, brave girl beside her. A girl who had been fighting a battle inside herself for months, probably years, and who’d just, at least on some level, come out on top right in front of Toni’s eyes. 

  


“Stop lookin’ at me like that.” Shelby’s blush deepened. 

  


Toni swallowed, staring still. 

  


“I can’t help it, Shelby.” 

  


It took every ounce of self control Toni had not to reach over the space between them and kiss her. Toni was sure Shelby felt the exact same. 

  


They were interrupted by a knock on the driver side window and Toni pulled her eyes away from Shelby to see Andrew standing at the door. She rolled her eyes, a heaviness settling in her chest. 

  


“See you at lunch.” She sighed but offered a quick smile, not giving Shelby a chance to answer before stepping out of the car. 

  


///

  


Exactly a week before the charity event, Martha bailed, her mom insisting that they attend a family wedding out of state that Martha had forgotten she was told she had to go to months before. She made Shelby an apology card but Shelby was ever understanding. 

  


Toni tried to be but she had been looking forward to going and now of course wouldn’t be, not alone, not when Shelby would be with Andrew. 

  


Toni found out that Martha, trying to pick up the pieces, had text Shelby telling her that Toni “really, really, really” wanted to bring Regan, when Shelby text her saying she could. 

  


When Toni received the text, she immediately pressed the call button. 

  


“I didn’t ask Martha to ask you if I could bring Regan.” Toni explained the moment Shelby picked up, before any greetings could be exchanged. 

  


“I didn’t say you did, I just said you could bring her.” Shelby’s tone was frosty. 

  


Toni wasn’t sure what was going on with Shelby and Regan. It seemed like they were actually friends recently rather than just acquaintances by association. Toni had seen a few messages from Regan pop up on Shelby’s phone and she was certain they didn’t even have each other’s numbers while her and Regan had been dating. 

  


“I don’t have to come, Shelby.” Toni sighed. She tried to put herself into Shelby’s shoes; tried to understand the jealousy still there over Regan - despite the fact that Shelby had explicitly put Toni on the back burner for another possible distance place and future time, despite the fact that Shelby was the one in a relationship and Toni was single. Toni swallowed her frustration, thinking back to being sat in Shelby’s car and Shelby officially coming out to her. There was absolutely nothing there with Andrew, Toni knew it must be miserable. 

  


“I’m sorry.” She spoke before Shelby could. “I want to come. I just don’t want to come alone. I don’t really have anyone else to go with.” 

  


“I know.” Shelby must have been doing some consideration of her own to ease her own coldness. 

  


“Aren’t you and Regan like...friends now anyways?” 

  


Shelby laughed. “Something like that.” 

  


“Shit, has it been me you’ve been jealous of this whole time and not Regan?” Toni teased. “You’re using me to get to her, huh? ” 

  


Shelby scoffed, “Shut up.” And they laughed together. 

  


“It’s definitely Regan I’ve been jealous of.” Shelby confirmed as though she needed to.

  


Toni hummed into the phone, unsure of what to say. 

  


“She could just have you.” The words hit Toni hard, Shelby’s wistful, longing tone. 

  


“So could you.” Toni whispered back. Something had changed between them again, Toni wasn’t sure exactly what but it had been their admission of feelings over the phone that had done it. She felt like she’d spent months chasing after Shelby, trying to let Shelby go, having and then not having her and then a lot seemed to be happening at once and she couldn’t help but chase it down and be honest. 

  


Her heart quickened in her chest as she waited for the reply, her breath held tight in her lungs. 

  


“I can’t, Toni.” Shelby sighed after a moment of silence. Toni wasn’t sure if the words hurt her or Shelby more, Shelby’s voice broken. 

  


“I know.” Toni finally exhaled. 

  


“I want to ask something.” The words made Toni’s throat tighten. She had been lying on her back on Martha’s bed throughout their phone call but rolled over onto her elbows, feeling more prepared for the question in that position. 

  


“Go on.” 

  


There was silence and then a soft groan, a cross between embarrassed and frustrated before Shelby asked, “Have you slept together since you broke up?” 

  


“No.” Of course, Toni didn’t want Shelby to feel jealous but it had always been an underlying thing between them. It made her feel wanted, needed, cared about. She was sure her own jealousy made Shelby feel the same. 

  


“Have you wanted to?” The next question was without any hesitation, she could hear the seriousness in Shelby’s tone. 

  


“No, I haven’t.” And it was true. Had there been lonely nights where Toni thought that sleeping with someone, anyone, might take Shelby out of her head for half a second? Yes. But it had never specifically been Regan she thought of. 

  


Toni couldn’t help but wonder where this conversation was getting them.

  


“I don’t want to do this again Shelby, let’s just not okay?” Toni sighed. She paused for a moment, sitting up on the bed then continued with a shrug. “I want you, you kinda want me but not right now but you still don’t want me with anyone else, can we just skip over this part?” 

  


“I didn’t say I didn’t want you right now Toni.” 

  


Toni frowned then scoffed. “Umm, I think your exact words were “maybe in college or something’.”

  


Toni listened to Shelby go silent, so silent she pulled the phone away from her ear to check she hadn’t hung up. 

  


“When I could have you....and when I want you are two entirely different things.”

  


“When do you want me?”

  


Toni expected another long silence, hesitation, a sigh or Shelby to change the subject entirely. So it was entirely unexpected when Shelby rushed out, “Every second of every frickin’ day.” It was both sad and wanting and it made Toni’s heart bound. She swallowed dryly. 

  


“You’re right, let’s not do this.” Shelby spoke softly a moment later, Toni imagined her shaking her head. “It hurts for so long after we have the tiniest little nice thing together.”

  


Shelby was right, their small moments of happiness were shrouded with sadness and often on Toni’s part despair over the situation. 

  


“Why is it always worth it?” She whispered. Because it was. Those seconds, minutes, hours, sometimes days of good with Shelby felt more than worth the weeks of heartache. 

  


Again, Toni expected silence but Shelby didn’t miss a beat. 

  


“Cause it’s you.” 

  


Goosebumps rose down Toni’s arms the moment she heard the words and she shook her head at herself, at her body’s reaction, at how easily Shelby got to her. 

  


“Don’t say those little things that make me feel so fucking special and keep me hooked on you.” She didn’t mean it. In fact, she wished Shelby said those things more. She clung onto every word. 

  


For the third and final time, without hesitation, Shelby told her, “I’m coming to pick you up.” 

  


////

  


10 minutes later, Toni was climbing into the passenger seat of Shelby’s car and after another 10 they were parked in the seemingly abandoned parking lot they had used to talk before. 

  


They didn’t speak much as they drove, the tension building every mile. 

  


“So...” Toni shrugged after Shelby switched off the music but didn’t turn to her, didn’t say anything. 

  


“You asking about if you could ever be friends with someone you’d been in love with....you were in love with Regan, right?” 

  


Toni’s eyebrows raised in surprised and her lips parted. She hadn’t expected that. She thought they’d dance around everything like they always did before saying something hidden in between some other words. Shelby must have been thinking about it the entire drive. She looked at her expectantly. 

  


“Uh.” Is all Toni managed to breath out under her intense stare. She had to look away to gather her thoughts. There was nothing to hide now, Shelby knew how she felt even if she hadn’t exactly said it. 

  


“Not...I mean it’s not...the same... it’s different.” 

  


“What’s different?” Shelby wasn’t wasting any time and it was throwing Toni off, shaking her up. Shelby’s eyes were still expectant, intense, burning into her own. 

  


“It’s just different.” 

  


“What is?” She wouldn’t let up. 

  


“How I feel about you.” Toni finally rushed out, flustered. She felt like she was being interrogated. 

  


“But you’re friends with Regan and you agreed you didn’t think you could be friends with someone you’d been in love with?” The word love was being thrown around far too much for Toni to be comfortable but she clung onto the way Shelby said it. 

  


Shelby’s expectant eyes had glazed over with a hint of sadness. Toni caught it instantly. 

  


“Shelby, I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for Regan.” Toni assured her, knowing it was a sore point for Shelby.

  


She watched Shelby settle back into her seat at the words, breathing a small sigh out through pursed lips. Her body relaxed and when she looked back to Toni, eyes almost apologetic, her cheeks a little flushed. 

  


“I’m just thinking about...things.” She explained quietly, briefly meeting Toni’s eyes then looking down shyly. 

  


Toni softened. “You can talk to me about what you’re thinking about, you know.” Toni offered quietly, testing, looking for the tension returning to Shelby’s body. But it didn’t. 

  


“Like, outside all of this shit between us, it’s still you and I. I’m still your friend.” She continued and watched Shelby’s lips press together as she swallowed. 

  


“Best friend.” Shelby corrected, looking over to Toni with a soft smile. 

  


“Yeah.” Toni returned it. “And the things you’re going through...you can talk to me about anything, anytime.” 

  


Toni knew there was so much still going on in Shelby’s head. She’d come so far since this had begun and Toni didn’t let herself forget it despite her frustration about how they still had to be most of the time. 

  


But what she was saying was true, they’d promised each other that they’d still be friends and that’s exactly what Toni wanted to offer. She was the only person, at least for now, that Shelby could talk to about any of her feelings, feelings about herself, their situation. 

  


Shelby looked at her and then looked away twice. The third time, her eyes dropped to Toni’s hands clasped together in her lap. Toni watched her look, watched her hand twitch and then extend towards hers. She closed her eyes for a split second as Shelby’s soft, warm hand slid over the back of hers, locking her fingers with Toni’s, palm against the back of her hand. 

  


Toni turned to find Shelby staring at her, a little smile playing at her lips. 

  


“Don’t try to sweet talk me.” Shelby raised her eyebrows and let out a soft laugh, teasing her.

  


Toni grinned at her then scoffed. “Uh okay that was me genuinely being a person who cares about you...” She pushed her hand up against Shelby, pretending she was going to pull it away, feeling Shelby clasp it tighter. 

  


“I’m not trying to sweet talk you into fucking you in the back of your car or something.” Toni continued as she rolled her eyes and Shelby rolled hers back then they both laughed. 

  


Toni dropped her hand on top of Shelby’s, looking down at them. 

  


“I wish we had.” Shelby said after a moment. 

  


Toni looked up from their hands to her, eyebrows knitted in amusement. “Fucked in the back of your car?” A half smirk curling at her lips. 

  


“God, you’re so crude.” Another eye roll then Shelby slid her hand over Toni’s so their hands were piled together in Toni’s lap. 

  


Toni tried hard to ignore the jump in her heart, and joked instead. “Oh please, not like you don’t have a dirty mouth when you want to.” 

  


And suddenly what had started as a very serious conversation was playful and light and they were grinning at each other, everything else forgotten. 

  


“Anyway.” Shelby shook her head, eyes fluttering shyly, playing with Toni’s fingers, distracted. “Not like...specifically in the back of my car.” 

  


She cleared her throat then added, “I just...think about that night a lot.” Her eyes flickered up to meet Toni’s on her last word and Toni was already staring hard at her. 

  


And then Toni was all too aware that they were in a very secluded, dark area, alone with hours of time on their hands and Shelby was looking at her with those same dark eyes she had been getting used to. 

  


Toni glanced down to their hands, watching Shelby stoke her index finger against the inside of Toni’s and over the back of her hand. She shivered, squeezing her hand over where it still covered Shelby’s. Shelby pulled her hands free and took hold of Toni’s properly, rubbing her thumbs over her knuckles, managing to be both sweet and suggestive at the same time.

  


When Toni looked up again, Shelby didn’t seem to have moved, her eyes still intently on Toni’s, darker. 

  


“How do we just keep fallin’ back into this?” Shelby whispered. 

  


Toni could have laughed but instead she shrugged. “We’re always gonna...until you stop it because I’ll never be able to.” 

  


“I don’t think I can either.” Shelby shook her head, her bottom lip tugged between her teeth. “I really don’t think I can, Toni. I just can’t stay away from you. I can’t stop thinkin’ about you.” 

  


“Me either.” 

  


Then they were silent, both trying to breath a little quieter than their bodies were letting them. 

  


Shelby continued to play with Toni’s hands, stroking against Toni’s fingers, rubbing her thumb over them. Toni stared down, finding it harder to slow her breathing. 

  


After a moment, Shelby’s finger stroked up against the inside of Toni’s wrist, over her sensitive skin and she pressed her lips together hard to stop any sound leaving her mouth. 

  


Her eyes rose up to meet Shelby’s as she traced her fingers along her forearm, then wrapped her hand around it, stroking gently up and down with soft touches. 

  


“I can’t stop thinking about you.” Shelby’s voice was low and Toni knew exactly what it meant. Their eye contact didn’t break. 

  


“Shelby. “ Toni warned, aware of where this could dangerously lead; another perfect moment that made them both hurt even more when it was over. 

  


“I can’t.” Shelby reiterated with a shake of her head. 

  


The hand on Toni’s arm dropped down to cup the back of her hand and Shelby pulled it to her face, Toni’s hand cupping her cheek. Shelby nuzzled into it, never looking away from her. Toni didn’t look away either but her eyes closed briefly, contently, feeling the soft skin of Shelby’s cheek under her palm. 

  


When Shelby turned her face ever so slightly to press a tiny kiss to her palm, Toni let out a sharp breath that made Shelby smile. Shelby kissed her palm again and then the inside of her wrist before Toni dropped her hand to Shelby’s neck and was pulling her closer, shuffling in her seat, leaning across the centre console to meet her. 

  


“I want to kiss you.” Toni breathed against her lips, their foreheads meeting. Shelby licked her lips, breathing heavily, Toni could feel her warm breath hit her mouth. 

  


Between ragged breaths, Shelby rubbed her nose against Toni’s, their lips still not touching. 

  


When Shelby pulled back abruptly, Toni’s heart sunk. She wondered if the last time they had kissed really was going to be the last time after all. She watched Shelby sit back in her seat, not breaking eye contact and reach up to switch the light inside the car off. And then she reached for the door handle. 

  


Toni’s mouth had dropped open as she watched Shelby in confusion. When Shelby climbed into the back seat half a second later, Toni’s confusion was replaced by an ache between her legs. 

  


Shelby looked at her expectantly and without a word, Toni opened the door and climbed in beside her. Without the car light on, Toni couldn’t see Shelby as well as she’d have liked. 

  


“Just for a few minutes.” Shelby whispered and then she was shuffling onto Toni’s lap, much to Toni’s surprise. Her hands automatically fell to Shelby’s thighs as she settled in place, leaning as far back into the seat as she could to see as much of Shelby as she was able to. 

  


When Shelby settled into her lap, her breathing was harsh and they just stared at each other through the darkness, unmoving. 

  


“And then what?” Toni croaked, her voice matching the tone of Shelby’s. 

  


Toni knew she would never be able to resist her, any tiny little crumb Shelby wanted to give her, she’d take greedily and eagerly await the next. 

  


Shelby finally moved, her hands coming up to settle in a soft touch on Toni’s shoulders. 

  


“Can there be no ‘and then what’s’ this time? Can it just be this? Can we just not think of what it means or what’s going to happen next? Can we just have it?” 

  


Toni considered for all of two seconds before her hands slid up Shelby’s waist to her neck and she pulled her down to kiss her. 

  


Shelby groaned out a sigh of relief into Toni’s mouth which was immediately open, searching for her tongue. 

  


Toni’s hands dropped quickly back to her waist, then down to her hips and then to the material of Shelby’s pants covering her thighs.

  


They kissed hard; like they hadn’t kissed for a long time, it felt even longer than it had actually been to Toni. 

  


“Take this off me.” Shelby gasped against her lips, dragging Toni’s hands to the hem of her shirt. 

  


“Fuck.” Toni knocked Shelby’s hands away and gripped the bottom of the shirt, tugging it quickly upwards, feeling the heat of Shelby’s skin underneath. 

  


When her shirt was off, Shelby sat back in her lap, the distance between them making Toni ache. Toni tried to subtly drop her hips into the seat underneath her, for the slightest bit of friction to ease the ache between her legs but doing it only meant her hips rose back up into Shelby’s which made her ache even more. They were breathing heavily, the windows of the car very much already fogging up, making it feel even more intimate and private. 

  


Toni wondered if Shelby was waiting for her to say something or if Shelby was preparing to say something herself. But then Shelby reached up with both hands behind her back and Toni swallowed hard as the material of her bra dropped loose at the front. 

  


Shelby glanced down at herself shyly, the material still covering her completely and then up to Toni’s eyes. She nodded her head, giving Toni permission to take it off of her. Toni did it slowly, teasing herself. 

  


She placed a single kiss against Shelby’s sternum as she dragged the straps down her arms, her chest finally exposed, the bra discarded along with Shelby’s shirt on the seat next to them. 

  


And then she dropped fully back into her seat again, staring up at Shelby with a dry mouth and a deep ache between her legs. She’d never seen Shelby like this before, her hands only ever lucky enough to feel Shelby’s hard nipples through the material of whatever shirt she was wearing. And now she couldn’t tear her eyes away. 

  


“Can I touch you?” Toni had to clear her throat after she spoke, the words barely making it out. 

  


Shelby nodded, waiting. 

  


One of Toni’s hands gripped her bare waist tightly and the other slid up her stomach, her fingers brushing over the underside of Shelby’s chest. Shelby gasped, staring down at her hand which she could still make out in the darkness. 

  


Toni traced her finger tips teasingly over her, circling around her nipple, millimetres away from it. Shelby shuffled in her lap, closer. 

  


Finally, Toni brushed her thumb over Shelby’s already hard nipple, making her moan. She did it again, then again and then again until Shelby was grinding down against her thighs. 

  


Toni huffed out a breath, reaching up with her mouth. Shelby’s hand immediately tangled in her hair, her nails digging into her scalp, holding her close. 

  


Toni felt like she was floating, not wanting the moment they were in to end. She closed her mouth around Shelby’s nipple after pressing a soft kiss directly on it, sucking softly. Her hand cupped Shelby’s chest as her mouth worked, the other dropped around the Shelby’s ass which caused Shelby’s hips to twitch into her. 

  


Toni sucked then kissed and sucked and then kissed, Shelby’s reaction, the sounds she was making, telling her that’s exactly what she liked. Toni would have done it all night if Shelby let her. 

  


Toni’s hips bucked up to meet Shelby’s and she moaned against her chest when Shelby untangled one hand from her hair, dragged her finger tips along Toni’s jaw and then brushed her thumb over Toni’s lips as she continued to suck. 

  


Toni wasn’t sure what Shelby’s intention was but she let her tongue slide out against her thumb as she licked at her nipple. A flood of wetness between her legs when Shelby pressed her thumb into her mouth while she continued to suck on her nipple, her tongue rubbing against it as she did. 

  


Shelby pressed into Toni’s mouth ever so slightly and then retracted back to trace her bottom lip, repeating the action over and over staring down at Toni’s mouth, moaning at the sight. 

  


After a long, torturous few minutes, Shelby finally tugged on Toni’s hair gently, pulling her back before kissing her hard. 

  


“I don’t want the first time we have sex to be in my car.” Shelby whispered between kissed. “But you’re making that really hard right now.” 

  


“I’ll stop.” Toni whispered back but dragged her lips away from Shelby’s to kiss down her neck, very much not stopping at all. She flattened her tongue against Shelby’s hot skin, licking slow strokes against her neck, just under her ear and then kissed the wet skin. 

  


Shelby’s hips started rocking in her lap again, soft moans escaping though open lips. 

  


“Toni.” Shelby half moaned, half warned. 

  


Toni hummed against her neck, dragging her teeth gently against Shelby’s skin. 

  


“Toni.” This time is was just a moan. 

  


Toni smirked against her neck, placed a series of soft kisses all the way back to her mouth. 

  


“Sorry, my mind isn’t the only thing I can’t keep off of you. Clearly.” 

  


Shelby stared down at her, lips parted, eyes dark, breathing heavily. 

  


“Your mouth is so nice.” Shelby whispered, the same thumb coming back up to trace Toni’s bottom lip, Shelby watched in wonder as she dragged it back and forth. 

  


“Nice?” Toni teased pressing a kiss against her thumb, and Shelby blushed. 

  


“Shut up.” Her hand dropped to cup Toni’s neck. 

  


They stared silently at each other, Toni stoking her hands up and down the outside of Shelby’s thighs. 

  


“Is Martha at home?” 

  


“Unfortunately.” Toni laughed at Shelby’s disappointed huff. 

  


“Those hips can’t stop, can they?” Toni grinned, nodding towards Shelby’s hips which were rocking ever so slightly into her again. 

  


“Do you want them to?” Shelby breathed, fingers brushing along Toni’s neck. 

  


Toni shook her head, her hands moving around to Shelby’s ass again to guide the motion of her hips. 

  


“What do you want?” 

  


“You.” 

  


“What do you want, Toni?” Shelby asked again, unsatisfied and Toni knew exactly what Shelby wanted. So Toni decided to be bold, give it to her. 

  


“I want your pants off.” Toni told her, kissing her collarbone as she spoke. “I want you grinding against me in just your underwear.” 

  


She pulled her lips away from Shelby’s skin and met her eyes as she added, “I want to feel you.” 

  


Shelby huffed out a groan, hips moving a little harder. 

  


“I want to feel _you_.” Shelby echoed longingly, pulling Toni’s mouth against hers. And they were kissing again. 

  


“We need to stop.” Toni groaned into her mouth, finding the strength to pull away but not to stop kissing across her cheek back to her neck. “Or you’re gonna change your mind about the car thing.” 

  


“Oh, you’re sure of that?” Shelby teased, tilting her neck to give Toni better access, running her fingers through her hair as she continued to kiss her. 

  


“Am I wrong?” Toni bit down gently against her neck and Shelby gasped, hips grinding down hard. 

  


“No.” She admitted quickly. 

  


Toni grinned and pulled her mouth away, satisfied. 

  


They stared at each other and Toni started to get lost in her head, knowing the moment was ending. She realised that pretty soon Shelby would be driving her home and the uncertainty of what would happen after that sat heavily in her chest. 

  


“What’s wrong?” Shelby noticed the change immediately. 

  


Toni quickly shook her head and painted on a smile, desperate for the moment to last just a little longer. “Nothing.” 

  


“Toni.” Shelby cupped Toni’s face in her hands tentatively. 

  


“Can I just hold you for a little bit?” Toni ducked here head down, embarrassed. “I don’t want to go yet.” 

  


Toni heard Shelby stop breathing for a moment and looked back up. Shelby looked at her sadly and just nodded. 

  


Then she dropped herself against Toni’s body wrapping her arms around her shoulders, Toni’s head against the crook of her neck, her arms wrapping around her still bare back. 

  


“I’m a dumbass.” Toni groaned against her skin. 

  


“No you’re not.” Shelby whispered, dropping a kiss against the top of her head. She did it again, inhaling deeply. 

  


“I meant what I said on the phone, Shelby.” Toni wasn’t even sure she’d spoken loud enough for Shelby to hear. There was a few seconds of silence, Toni ready to pull out of the hug to look up to make sure Shelby had heard her. She wondered if Shelby didn’t know what she meant, if Shelby hadn’t understood what she’d said and just said it back without knowing or thinking. 

  


But then Shelby’s whispered, “I did too.” And Toni sunk further into the hug, wrapping her arms so tight around the girl on top of her that she wondered if she was hurting her. But Shelby squeezed back just as tightly. 

  


“It’s so fucked up that the person I’m so upset about is the only person that makes me feel better.” Toni mumbled into her skin. 

  


Shelby curled one of her hands up to stroke at her hair, Toni revelled in the feeling, in the comfort it brought her. She felt so vulnerable but at the same time, safe, and she knew no one but Shelby would ever have the power to make her stay in that feeling and not run a million miles away. 

  


“Like I can’t just fucking cry to you about you.” Toni mumbled, it was less of a statement and more her seeking permission from Shelby to just let herself feel. Because that’s exactly what she wanted to do, cry it all out in Shelby’s arms. 

  


“Yes you can.” Shelby read between her words just like she always did, softening against her, giving Toni what she needed. 

  


And then Toni let herself feel it all, sobbing against Shelby’s chest for the next 20 minutes. And Shelby just held her, kissing against the top of her head and stroking her hair. 

  


It was only when Toni finally pulled away from Shelby’s skin, wet from her tears, that she looked at her and realised she’d been crying the whole time too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is heavily inspired by "Dress" by Taylor Swift.
> 
> Possibly a little too long? I just want them to have a good time before they hurt again 🙃 significant lack of angst in this chapter, I already miss it... 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

"Up or down?" 

  


Toni eyed herself in the mirror, frustrated. She gathered her hair in both hands, bunching it up into a ponytail, holding it in place as she turned to look at herself side-on. 

  


"Down." Regan answered simply, coming up behind her. 

  


Toni sighed, dropping her hair and staring hard at herself in the reflection, still deciding. 

  


"Dude, you look great." Regan assured her laying her hands on Toni's shoulders and twisting her away from the mirror. She pulled a lock of Toni's hair between her fingers, dropping it down against her shoulder, offering Toni a reassuring smile. "Shelby's not going to be able to take her eyes off of you."

  


Toni blushed, dropping her eyes. Was she that obvious? She took a deep breath before turning back to the mirror despite Regan's eye roll.

  


"Do you think?"

  


Toni gave herself a final once over before turning back to Regan. 

  


"You're a total catch and you're hot as hell." Toni needed to hear it. Regan knew she did. "Why are you so worried?"

  


"I don't know." Toni admitted with a defeated groan. "I feel like I'm going on a fucking first date or something."

  


It had been a few days since Toni had last seen Shelby, bawling like a baby on her chest in the backseat of her car. They didn't talk about it, didn't say anything. And Toni was glad, not sure what she even would say.

  


"Which is totally appropriate for your ex to third wheel." Regan laughed and Toni smiled with her but her eyes were apologetic. 

  


"Sorry, this is weird." Toni shook her head, guilty. 

  


"What's weird is that it's actually like not at all." Regan shrugged and Toni knew she was right, it wasn't weird at all. Toni was ever grateful for Regan's love and support, how she didn't leave. Toni knew that Regan's support was calculated, specifically given to her to prove that Regan had meant what she said when they started dating; that she'd always be there for her. Toni would never be able to thank her enough for it.

  


"Thanks for being like...the best person ever." Toni told her softly, sincerely. "You know...with everything."

  


Regan laughed. "I'm great aren't I?"

  


Toni rolled her eyes but laughed with her. 

  


  


///

  


Toni still wasn't sure what they were actually attending. All that mattered to her was that Shelby was going to be there. 

  


Regan pulled up into the parking lot of some fancy hotel Toni would have never have known existed, a hotel that looked exactly like the kind of hotel the Goodkind's would host a charity event at. 

  


They shared a look as they slowed to a stop and then a knowing laugh before getting out and heading towards the entrance. 

  


Toni was glad to find that she didn't feel as massively out of place as she feared she would. The room that had been booked for the event was huge, Toni scanned around for Shelby but there was too much space, too many people. 

  


A waiter in a waistcoat brought around a tray of drinks, offering them up. Toni reached for a champagne flute which the waiter quickly pulled away from her, making a lame joke about ID before offering her an orange juice instead. Toni grumbled but accepted. 

  


"What do you need Dutch courage for?" Regan teased when he left. 

  


"Literally just to fucking see her, I don't know why I'm so nervous." Toni admitted. 

  


Regan looked surprised at her honesty and Toni blushed when she laughed. 

  


Toni's nerves built as she waited for Shelby's arrival. She wasn't sure how much of Shelby she was even going to see. Shelby had given her a brief run through of the night; there would be some mingling, some speeches, some more mingling, some presentations, dinner, even more mingling, some kind of auction to raise money and then a party. Although, Toni wasn't sure how much of a party it would be given the immaculately white table clothes and pristine napkins dotted around the room, certainly not any kind of party she was used to. 

  


Small talk wasn't Toni's strong point, she left it up to Regan who exchanged a few polite words with the people who approached them, mostly weird old men in suits. 

  


"Gross." Toni sneered at the latest middle aged man who'd tried to make awkward conversation when he turned to walk away. 

  


"What's gross?" Toni's stomach fluttered hearing the voice behind her. She turned slowly, composing herself as much as she could in the second it took her to come face to face with Shelby.

  


Shelby was smiling brightly, Toni's lips automatically tugged up to match it despite her thudding heart. 

  


They just looked at each other for a moment. Toni watched Shelby's eyes flicker down her body and then watched her lick her lips subconsciously. Toni followed suit, taking her in; her long blonde hair dropped over her bare shoulders, the beautiful dress flattering every inch of her. Toni realised Shelby must be wearing heels because she stood nearly a whole head taller than her. It made Toni's stomach flutter. 

  


"Hi." Toni eventually managed, although she was sure an entire minute must have already passed. 

  


"Hi." Shelby's eyes flickered down her body again. 

  


Another silence fell between them as they continued to stare at each other. 

  


"Hi." Regan waved with an awkward chuckle, snapping them both out of the moment they'd found themselves caught in. 

  


Shelby blinked quickly, smiling shyly, turning to Regan to greet her too. Toni flushed. 

  


"I have to sit with my parents for the first part of this, but I'll see you both for dinner?"

  


Toni just nodded. 

  


"Okay." Shelby smiled, reaching out to squeeze Toni’s forearm with both hands before brushing past her as she left. Toni knew it was deliberate, so she would be able to feel and smell her and then not be able to think of anything else for the entire night. If that was Shelby's intention, it was certainly already working. 

  


Toni stared dumbly after her as she left, pausing briefly to greet a few people she passed. Toni couldn't tear her eyes away. 

  


"You're in deep." Reagan grinned, bumping her hip into Toni's to snap her out of her daze. 

  


"Shut up." Toni grumbled, turning to Regan, to prove a point. The moment Regan looked away, her eyes moved right back to Shelby. 

  


///

  


  


The speeches were so long and so fucking boring. Toni has no idea what they were talking about, nor did she care. Shelby kept staring at her from 3 tables over and it was all that Toni could concentrate on. Unfortunately, she was sat right next to Andrew so every time Toni looked at her, she also had to look at him and it burned her with jealousy. So much so that she tried desperately to not look over at Shelby at all but that decision lasted for all of 5 minutes. 

  


She joined in on the round of applause the guy on stage received as he left, despite not knowing what she was clapping for. Andrew dropped his arm over Shelby's shoulder when the applause died down and Toni watched her stiffen uncomfortably, feeling a fire light in her belly. She dropped her eyes down to the table, shifting in her seat. 

  


When she finally let herself look over again a few minutes later, Andrew's arm was back by his side and it looked like there was a few more inches of space between them than before. Shelby was already staring at her when she looked, offering her a small smile, making sure she was okay. 

  


Toni eyed Shelby as she reached into her purse, staring down into it for a moment and then her phone buzzed in her lap. 

  


**Bathroom?**

  


Toni kept looking down, she couldn't stop the smile spreading on her lips but didn't want Shelby to see it, to know that it was that easy for her to change her entire mood in an instant. 

  


Shelby stood the second she sent the message, heading towards the bathroom. The lights in the room were dimmed, a spotlight focused on the stage where someone else was now droning on so no one notices her leave. Toni waited a few minutes and then followed. 

  


  


"I'm sorry." Shelby immediately took Toni's hands in her own when she stepped into the bathroom, letting them rest down between them. She brushed her thumb over her knuckles, eyes apologetic. 

  


Toni shook her head. "It's fine, I knew what I was letting myself in for. I knew he'd be here."

  


Shelby smiled sadly, dropping one of Toni's hands and reaching up to twist a strand of her hair between her fingers, the back of her hand resting on the bare skin of Toni's shoulder as she did so. Toni knew it was deliberate. 

  


"Don't try to distract me." She teased, squeezing Shelby's hand. 

  


" _You're_ distracting me." Shelby huffed and Toni laughed. Her eyes met Toni's, serious and dark. "All night. I can't stop lookin' at you or thinkin' about you."

  


Toni swallowed, Shelby's hand against her skin suddenly feeling like fire. 

  


"Did I mention that my parents are stayin' here tonight?" Shelby whispered as though someone might be able to hear her. 

  


Toni breathed in deep and held it, trying very hard not to read between the lines of what Shelby was saying, to assume what she meant. 

  


"You might have forgot to mention that." She exhaled, suddenly nervous. Shelby never looked away from her, licking her lips, seemingly as nervous as Toni.

  


She didn't hesitate, "Well, my parents are staying here tonight." She dropped the strand of hair, twisting her hand so her fingers could brush softly over Toni's skin. Toni inhaled another deep breath trying not to get caught up in the feeling.

  


"Okay." 

  


"And I'm not." Shelby clarified but Toni knew that already. 

  


"Okay." Was all she manged to say again. Her mind racing with thoughts of nothing but the girl in front of her, with her fingers brushing against her skin, with their hands still linked. 

  


Shelby pressed on, leaving no room for doubt. "I'm going back to my empty house...you know with my brother and sister stayin' with my grandma and all..."

  


Toni's mouth was dry, she couldn't form a thought let alone speak it out loud. She was desperately trying to think of anything but Shelby's empty house. She found herself just nodding. 

  


Shelby was staring at her, an amused smile playing at her lips, something similar in her eyes. Toni felt like she was teasing her, playing with her. She knew this was another of Shelby's tactics to make sure Toni couldn't process a single thought that wasn't about her, like she needed to do anything else to make that happen. 

  


"Consider this an invite by the way." Toni's heart thudded so quickly and so hard that she was positive Shelby could hear it. 

  


Shelby gave her hand a final squeeze, glanced over Toni's shoulder at the door behind them then closed the inches between them, pressing a lingering kiss to the corner of Toni's mouth. Her hand dropped Toni's and she brushed it across Toni's lower stomach as she moved passed her, leaving without another word. 

  


Toni stared at the wall for a moment then turned to face the door, staring at that. Then she laughed loudly, shaking her head, finally processing what had just happened. 

  


"Fuck." She whispered to herself when she stopped laughing. She continued to stare at the door until she heard it open and she quickly turned towards the sinks and started washing her hands, trying to act normal. 

  


Toni had to give herself another few minutes before joining Regan at their table again, letting her flushed face return to it's normal colour which proved difficult given that the redness crept back over her each time she thought of Shelby and her words, her invitation. 

  


"You look a little flustered." Regan teased in a whisper soon after Toni took her seat again. Shelby was already staring right at her. 

  


"I'm staying at Shelby's tonight." Toni told her during another round of applause. 

  


Regan smirked, pressing her elbow into Toni's stomach, making her laugh some of her nerves away. 

  


Toni didn't hear a word of the final speech, knowing that Shelby would soon be joining their table for dinner. She didn't know how she was possibly going to get through it, through the rest of the night knowing she was going home with Shelby at the end of it. She didn't want to assume what may happen but Shelby had made her intentions clear. 

  


Toni's phone buzzed in her lap again. 

  


**Shall I sit beside you for dinner or across from you so you can keep staring at me?**

  


Toni grinned, shaking her head and looked up to find Shelby grinning right back at her, a teasing look in her eye. Toni rolled her eyes, Shelby grinned wider. 

  


**beside me**

  


She sent the text back as the final speech-giver left the stage and the lights flickered back up as people started bustling around. 

  


Toni watched Shelby stand, move across the table to speak briefly with her parents and then she headed towards Toni. 

  


The room was filled with chatter as people stood to mingle, tables emptying and people switching seats. 

  


"Hey." Shelby took her seat next to Toni. 

  


The three of them talked, waiting for dinner to be served. Toni didn't say much, sitting back, observing Shelby and Regan chat as if they'd been best friends for years. Toni smiled to herself as she watched them, listened to them. 

  


Toni had never had a dinner that consisted of more than 3 courses, this one was 7. 

  


"Jesus your parents really must be loaded." Toni scoffed, digging into the first course. "How can they afford to feed this many people 7 fucking times?"

  


Shelby laughed, watching her eat for a few seconds before starting on her own plate.

  


Toni wasn't sure if she was regretting her decision to ask Shelby to sit beside her and not across from her. It was becoming increasingly difficult to not choke to death on her food when Shelby would brush their arms together or curl her ankle around Toni's, and especially when Shelby placed her hand on Toni's knee and started to rub higher up her thigh, grinning the whole time she did. 

  


"Stop." Toni disguised herself leaning closer to Shelby to warn her as adjusting herself on her seat. Shelby grinned wider. 

  


After the third course, Shelby excused herself to the bathroom, brushing her hand along the back of Toni's chair and subsequently her shoulders as she left. Toni waited a minute and then excused herself too, shooting Regan an apologetic look but Regan was just laughed and went back to chatting to the other people on their table. 

  


When Toni got to the bathroom, Shelby wasn't stood where she was last time, where Toni expected her to be. Instead she popped her head out from one of the stall doors and tilted her head towards Toni, inviting her into the stall with her. Toni quickly looked around at the other stalls, doors all open. 

  


"It's just us." Shelby assured her, locking the door behind them when Toni entered. 

  


Suddenly Toni was aware that there was barely a gap between them at all in the little stall. Toni opened her mouth to speak, to ease the tension, to make a joke about the fact that even the toilet paper was fancy but Shelby was already kissing her before she can get a word out.

  


Toni fell right into it, both hands stroking through the hair at the back of Shelby's neck. She let out a soft huff into her mouth as Shelby pressed her backwards against the wall behind them. 

  


"Have you thought about it?" Shelby breathed between kisses. Toni tried to kiss her quietly, listening out for the bathroom door opening. 

  


"What?" She was distracted, moving her lips to Shelby's jaw, kissing down her neck. 

  


"My invitation." Shelby's voice was low, the way Toni loved it because she knew what it meant. She could feel Shelby's body pressed against her, sinking into her. She had to lean up a little on her tip toes to kiss Shelby's mouth again. 

  


"Yes." She nodded against Shelby's lips, her mind now a few hours in the future, in Shelby's bedroom, on Shelby’s bed. She moved her lips back to Shelby's neck and Shelby huffed a little breath into her ear, pressing even further into her. 

  


Shelby's hands curled around Toni's face, pulling her away from her neck to look at her. 

  


"You can get me out of this dress you like so much." Shelby told her and suddenly she was a little shy, her confidence faltering. She looked at Toni unsure, waiting for confirmation that that was exactly what Toni wanted to do.

  


Toni stared back at her nodding, mouth hanging open. 

  


Before she could lean back in to kiss her again, the bathroom door creaked open and someone walked in. Toni held her breath. 

  


They stared at each other for a few seconds, listening, before Shelby lowered her mouth to Toni’s neck.

  


Toni squeezed her eyes shut, tight, as Shelby’s tongue flattened against the side of her neck, licking up to underneath her ear. She kissed her wet skin and then kissed against her ear, breathing raggedly into it. Toni sucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, biting her lip, desperately trying not to make a sound. It seemed like her making a noise was Shelby's goal. 

  


Toni tried to push her away feebly, not actually wanting her to move at all. 

  


After a few seconds, the toilet flushed, the tap ran then the door opened and closed. 

  


“Fuck.” Toni groaned the second it did, dragging Shelby’s lips towards her own and kissing her hard. She could feel Shelby grinning against her mouth. 

  


“Can’t we just leave now?” Shelby laughed but Toni was serious. 

  


“You’re that impatient?” Shelby flickered her tongue over Toni’s bottom lip only serving to make her even more so. 

  


“Yes.” She huffed chasing after Shelby’s lips as she pulled back. 

  


She watched Shelby’s smile fall and a serious look settle on her face. Her confidence dipping again, making way for her nerves.

  


“How about somethin' to tide you over?” Shelby offered, voice low. 

  


Toni’s heart skipped a beat then pounded hard. She let her body drop back against the wall, breathing heavily as she waited for Shelby to continue. 

  


But Shelby didn’t say anything, just held her gaze intensely, breathing heavily. 

  


Then her hands curled into the material of her dress at her hips and she started to shuffle it upwards, never looking away from Toni as she did. 

  


Toni swallowed hard, unable to stop her eyes from dropping down to follow the material of Shelby’s dress as she dragged it up over her thighs, bunching it at her hips. 

  


“Hold this.” Shelby whispered, inching closer to Toni. It took Toni a second to react, she had no idea what Shelby was about to do, anticipating it. 

  


She grasped the material of the dress, replacing Shelby’s hands, still leaning back far enough against the wall that she could see Shelby’s bare thighs. Toni hiked the dress up a little higher, waiting for a nod from Shelby before she looked down, now able to see her underwear. 

  


She watched with a dry mouth as Shelby’s fingers grazed over the front of her underwear, dipping down just a little before settling at the waistband. 

  


When Shelby’s hands stopped moving, Toni tore her eyes away to look up at her. 

  


“I’m impatient too.” Shelby mumbled, still nervous. Her chest rose and fell quickly and then her eyes dropped down, Toni’s followed. 

  


She watched, unable to hold back a soft groan as Shelby dipped her hand into her underwear. 

  


“Fuck.” Toni whispered, pulling the dress up every so slightly higher making sure she didn’t miss anything. 

  


Shelby’s hand disappeared almost completely as it lowered and then she dragged it back upwards excruciatingly slowly with a heavy sigh. 

  


“I’m really, _really_ impatient.” Shelby whispered and Toni knew that Shelby didn't mean “impatient” at all, she meant a different word entirely. She was wet and she wanted Toni to know it. 

  


The ache in Toni’s stomach dropped between her legs at Shelby’s words and she subconsciously pressed them hard together to ease it, never moving her eyes away from Shelby’s hand still tucked under her underwear. 

  


“Shelby” Toni groaned when Shelby’s hand moved, making herself gasp. 

  


Shelby huffed out a sharp breath, pulled her hand out of her underwear, the fabric snapping back against her skin. Toni could see her fingers were wet, her knees went weak. 

  


“Shit.” She croaked. 

  


Shelby pulled her hand up higher, looking down at it, at the wetness over her fingers, and flushing. Her eyes met Toni’s, dark and shy and Toni saw her falter. 

  


“Do you-“ Was all Shelby managed to get out before Toni dropped the material that she had bunched up harshly in her fists, wrapping her hand over Shelby’s wrist, knowing what Shelby was about to ask.

  


Yes, she really fucking did want to taste her. 

  


Toni’s couldn’t control her breathing, tugging Shelby’s hand toward her mouth, never breaking eye contact. Shelby’s mouth was dropped open, waiting, and Toni could feel the little huffs of air she let out brush against her face. 

  


With a final glance at the wetness, and another buckle of her knees, Toni pulled two of Shelby’s fingers into her mouth. Her eyes snapped shut at the taste, her tongue eagerly sliding between her fingers, her mouth closing around them. 

  


She opened her eyes again when she felt Shelby’s hand cup her jaw, finding Shelby staring at her, at her mouth, in awe. 

  


“Toni.” She whispered shaking her head and Toni’s hips started rocking into nothing, she tried to make it as discreet as possible. 

  


Toni sucked Shelby's fingers further into her mouth, pulling back on her wrist for them to slip out against her lips and then drawing them back in again. 

  


Shelby pulled her hand away, her wet fingers dragging down Toni’s chin and then crushed their mouths together, backing Toni hard against the wall. 

  


Shelby’s tongue pushed roughly into her mouth, reaching every corner. 

  


When she finally pulled back, she breathed harshly against Toni’s lips, “I taste good.” And Toni moaned, pulling Shelby by the waist impossibly closer to her, a new wave of wetness flooding between her legs. Toni knew Shelby had said it for her benefit, to just tease her that little bit more but it was true. She really fucking did and Toni couldn’t get enough. 

  


Shelby drew back completely then, shuffling her dress back into place and without another word, unlocked the stall door, leaving Toni slumped against the wall, catching her breath, staring after her. 

  


Toni considered locking the door, peeling her jumpsuit off and getting off, knowing in this state it wouldn’t take her more than a minute or two. But instead she groaned, frustrated and uncomfortably wet, deciding to not ruin tonight with a quick premature orgasm in the bathroom. 

  


She left quickly before she could change her mind, all too aware of how long they must have been gone, still tasting Shelby on her tongue.

  


Shelby barely acknowledged her or paid her any attention when she returned to finish dinner. Toni knew it was deliberate, to drive her even crazier. It worked. Toni found herself mimicking Shelby's earlier behaviour, sliding her hand along Shelby's thigh under the table but Shelby acted as if it wasn't even there much to Toni's frustration. 

  


When dinner was over, they had to mingle again. Shelby shot Toni a smirk as she left promising to be back soon. 

  


Toni stared after her for the next 30 minutes, barely paying attention to Regan, feeling guilty about it. And she supposed it was only a matter of time really with her incessant staring before she saw something she didn't like. Shelby was sat at a table with her parents and Andrew and a group of other rich white people. Andrew stood to leave, grabbing Shelby's chin and turning her head up to kiss him. The moment the kiss was over and Andrew had turned away, Shelby's eyes immediately found Toni's, Toni now burning with jealousy and anger, breathing so heavily that it caught Regan's attention. 

  


Toni stood, making sure Shelby could see that she was heading towards the bathroom and then waited in the stall they'd previously been in. 

  


It was less than a minute before the door opened and Shelby walked in a little flustered. 

  


"I'm so fucking jealous." Toni shook her head, frustrated, as Shelby locked the door behind her. 

  


"I'm sorry." Toni knew it was sincere, that she really meant it but it didn't help at all. 

  


"i want everything he has with you." Toni told her, settling her hands on Shelby's waist and reaching up to kiss her. She thought back to when she'd joked about Shelby hating that she wasn't the last person she'd kissed and that was exactly how she felt now, correcting it immediately. 

  


Shelby kissed her back deeply, hands tugging in her hair. 

  


"No you don't." She shook her head. "He doesn't have me. You do." Shelby said it between kisses, pulling back to look into Toni's eyes as she told her 'you do'. 

  


Toni melted at that, anger fading fast, clinging onto the words. "Don't say things like that." She mumbled against Shelby's lips, kissing her again. 

  


"It's true."

  


Shelby kissed her lips once more before placing another kiss on the corner of her mouth and then another on her cheek and then another just to the side of her ear. 

  


"I don't care about him." She kissed down Toni's jaw. "I care about you."

  


Toni's head tilted back against the wall behind her, letting Shelby make her feel better, eating up every word. Her eyes closed contently, feeling Shelby's lips soft and slow on her skin, her hands on Toni's hips. 

  


"I don't think about him every second of the day." Shelby kissed down her neck, slow and purposeful. "I think about you." 

  


Toni's hands moved into her hair, forgetting to listen out for anything other than Shelby's soft voice. 

  


Shelby continued, "Seein' his name on my phone doesn't give me butterflies. Seeing’ yours does."

  


Toni hummed along with her words, her heart and stomach swelling at every one of them. Shelby kissed along to the other side of her neck and up to her ear as she spoke. 

  


"I don't fall asleep every damn night thinkin' of him." She breathed into Toni's ear then kissed it. "I think about you, Toni."

  


Toni let out a small huff, not sure if Shelby's words had any sexual intent behind them but she couldn't help but feel they did, it certainly felt like that between her legs. 

  


Shelby kissed her way across Toni's cheek and back to her lips, kissing her once and then pulling back to look into her eyes. 

  


"I don't love him." She whispered, their stare intense. "I..."

  


Toni's heart stopped, her mouth dropping open in anticipation. She clung onto Shelby's face, feeling like it was the only thing keeping her steady. 

  


"You what?" Toni searched her eyes, desperate to hear the end of the sentence, needing Shelby to say it, needing to hear it. 

  


But Shelby's eyes dropped to her lips and she cleared her throat before looking back at her. "You're coming home with me tonight."

  


And then Shelby was kissing her again, pressing her up against the stall wall, breathing hard into her mouth. 

  


Someone walked in but they stay pressed together, pecking gently, silently at each other's lips, staring intently at each other the whole time. 

  


When the door opened and then closed again, Shelby deepened the kiss and Toni could feel the throbbing between her legs build up at Shelby's unrelenting eagerness. 

  


And then Toni felt Shelby move back ever so slightly and start to tug her dress up again. Her knees went weak. 

  


"Shelby." She groaned, watching her pull the material up for the second time. She licked her lips, knowing what was coming next. She wanted to push Shelby against the opposite wall, pull Shelby's dress up herself because Shelby was doing it tortuously slowly and she couldn't wait for it. 

  


Toni moved her hands, pre-empting Shelby telling her to hold her dress again but Shelby shook her head, kissed her once and told her 'no'. 

  


"I want _you_ to feel." 

  


"Shelby." It was almost a gasp, Toni's head fell back against the wall, her eyes screwing shut. 

  


"Please, I want you to feel." And then Shelby had her hand on one of Toni's, wrapping it around her wrist and tugging her hand towards her underwear. Toni let her. 

  


She forgets everything then. She forgets where they are, she forgets Andrew, she forgets Shelby's parents, she forgets everything.

  


Toni considered if for a moment, considered if she had enough self control to say no, to wait, to give Shelby better than the first time she, or anyone else, ever touches her to be in a bathroom stall. But Shelby wanted it, clearly. Shelby wanted it so much and so did Toni and so she decided that she couldn't ever say no. 

  


Shelby's hand went slack on her wrist and then dropped when Toni started to move it of her own accord, satisfied that Toni was going to give her exactly what she wanted. 

  


Her hands brushed over the material of the dress, over the little part of Shelby's exposed stomach and then her fingers traced along the line of her underwear and Shelby shivered against her, gasping. 

  


"Toni." Her voice cracked and Toni glanced up at dark eyes, flushed face and parted lips. She kissed her deeply, dropping her fingers low on the outside of Shelby's underwear and tracing a barely there touch down the fabric. Shelby shivered again and so did Toni when she felt that the material was wet. 

  


"Fuck." She panted against Shelby's mouth, pressing a little harder, trying to feel more.

  


Another gasp from Shelby. 

  


"Touch me." Shelby pleaded, hands grasping into Toni's hair. 

  


Toni nodded, stepping forward, forcing Shelby to step with her until her back hit the wall with a soft thump. 

  


"I can't stop thinking about you." Toni groaned against her lips, fingers moving back towards the top of her underwear. "I can't stop thinking about tonight." Toni continued as she dipped her fingers underneath. "I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen tonight." She pushed her hand down against Shelby's burning hot skin, committing every single touch to her memory, savouring it. 

  


Toni pulled back to look into Shelby's dark, pleading eyes as she pushed lower, finally feeling her, feeling how warm and hot and wet she was. Toni deliberately avoided brushing over her clit, instead moving lower, nudging Shelby's legs apart with her free hand to feel her properly. 

  


"Go lower." Shelby moaned, her eyes screwing shut at the feeling of Toni's fingers brushing over her, feeling her. 

  


Toni swallowed a moan of her own as she dipped her fingers a little lower, feeling more wetness pool, her fingers covered. 

  


"Lower." Shelby groaned again, unsatisfied. "I just want to feel you, please Toni." Shelby was pushing her fingers in and out of Toni's hair at her neckline, impatient, on edge. 

  


"Shelby." Toni huffed against her lips, kissing her once. 

  


"I want to feel you inside me." 

  


Toni felt light headed, pulsing at her words, the ache between her legs intense, distracting. 

  


"I'm not fucking you in a bathroom." She warned although she would need Shelby's help to fulfil that promise, her self control lacking now. 

  


"I just need to feel you." Shelby groaned in frustration, pleading, her hips rocking softly into Toni's hand, fingers tangled in her hair. "Toni, I just need to feel you. Just a little, just for a second. Please."

  


Toni kissed her hard, to shut her up more than anything because the more Shelby spoke, the more her self control diminished. 

  


Finally, Toni's index finger settled where Shelby had been begging for it and she pressed every so slightly into her, barely there at all and Shelby moaned into her mouth, tongue flickering out to her lips. Toni screwed her eyes closed, resting her forehead against Shelby's. 

  


"More." Shelby begged again and Toni shook her head, breathing ragged, heart racing. 

  


But Shelby shifted her hips, dropping them low so Toni slipped deeper inside her, they both gasped at the feeling, eyes opening to stare at each other, their foreheads still together. 

  


Shelby tried to rock her hips again but Toni grabbed at her hip roughly with her free hand, pinning it against the wall to stop her. Shelby let out another frustrated groan. 

  


"I'm not fucking you in a bathroom." She told her again and Shelby clenched around her, trying to change her mind. 

  


"Fuck." Toni gulped, swallowing hard. She withdrew her finger slightly, slowly, and then pushed into her once, curling her finger, making Shelby moan before slowly slipping out of her completely. Shelby was dazed, teeth sunk hard into her bottom lip, eyes glazed over, watching Toni. 

  


"Taste me." Shelby finally managed to huff out, slumped back against the wall, staring intently at Toni. 

  


Toni looked down at her wet fingers, rubbing her thumb against them then pressed her body against Shelby's, kissing her deeply. She raised her hand up to her mouth, breaking the kiss and flickered her tongue out over her fingers. Shelby watched eyes wide, licking her lips. Toni moved her fingers slowly into her mouth, closing her lips around them, tasting her. She didn't expect Shelby to push herself off of the wall, and press her lips against Toni's while her fingers were still in her mouth, kissing over her fingers and the corner of her lips. 

  


"Let me taste." Shelby whispered against her lips and Toni's fingers dropped from her own mouth, pressing into Shelby's. 

  


They made out for a few more minutes and Toni ended up laughing against her lips. 

  


"What?" Shelby smiled at her. 

  


Toni wasn't sure what she was laughing at; the fact they'd been pressed together in a bathroom stall for God knows how long now, Shelby being so unrelenting and confident, demanding, or maybe knowing that this moment of happiness was going to extend until at least tomorrow morning. 

  


They left an hour later, Regan leaving at the same time so they looked less suspicious but Shelby's parents were far too busy to even notice she'd gone. She didn't bother telling Andrew. 

  


The journey from the hotel to Shelby's house was long, giving Toni far too much time to overthink. 

  


When Shelby pulled into her driveway, she could sense Toni's mood. 

  


"Is everythin' okay?"

  


"I'm just trying not to think about what happens after this." Toni shrugged, trying to suppress at least some of her emotions. 

  


Shelby blinked slowly, nodding. She understood. 

  


"Like, it's going to be hard to come back...from this." Toni gestured towards Shelby's empty house, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. 

  


"I don't want to come back from it." Shelby tried to assure her but Toni knew it was inevitable, that between now and when Shelby saw a future with them sometime in college, that there was a lot of room for heartache. 

  


Toni took a deep breath, pushing the worries aside and turned to Shelby and teased, "You gonna invite me in then, or what?"

  



	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter: Charity event, they made out several times in the bathroom and then left early to go have sex at Shelby's house. This is the sex at Shelby's house.

"Can I get you a drink?" Shelby offered, setting her purse on the kitchen island, smoothing her fingers over it, anything to not looking up to Toni, to not meet her eyes. 

  


Toni watched her feeling as nervous as Shelby seemed to be but not displaying it quite as obviously. 

  


"Sure, like just a water?" The confidence Shelby has exuded, pining Toni up against the inside walls of bathroom stalls, needy and demanding, only a few hours ago had dissipated. Toni wasn't entirely sure why; if something had changed, if Shelby was just nervous or if there was too much pressure or expectation now. 

  


Shelby handed Toni the glass and Toni decided to try to settle her, cupping her hand around Shelby's, making Shelby finally look up to meet her eyes. 

  


Toni smiled softly at her, shyly, and Shelby's lips broke into an embarrassed smile. 

  


"It's just me." Toni comforted, setting the glass on the island. She kept Shelby's hand in her own. Shelby nodded, inhaling a long breath before chuckling softly. 

  


"I really wanna order pizza and watch one of those fucked up murder documentaries you like." Toni decided giving Shelby's hand a quick squeeze and then moving to rest against the island on her elbows, opening a take out app and scrolling. 

  


Toni immediately felt Shelby's energy change, settling. 

  


"No mushrooms." Shelby glanced over her shoulder, her hand on the small of Toni's back. Toni grinned, tilting her head to the side to look at her, rolling her eyes. 

  


"Oh really? Are you sure? I thought after you've been ordering the same exact pizza for the last 8 years, you might want something different tonight." She teased. 

  


It made Shelby smile, what Toni wanted, and she rolled her eyes, leaning down to place a quick, sweet kiss on Toni's lips. 

  


"Shut up."

  


They changed into pyjamas while they waited for the pizza to arrive. Separately, Toni made sure although she couldn’t help but wish she’d been able to take Shelby’s dress off herself. 

  


  


///

  


  


"I'd chop you up into little pieces, take you to a farm and give you to the pigs. They like, eat bones and shit." Toni shrugged, taking a bite of pizza. 

  


"Uh, I'm real concerned how easy that was to answer." Shelby scoffed, her eyes going wide. 

  


"I'm concerned you're asking me how I'd murder you and hide your body." Toni grinned. "Like especially when we're alone in your house...are you looking for ideas to finally get rid of me?

  


Shelby's shocked expression dropped, replaced by a smile as she laughed. Toni wiggled her eyebrows playfully, taking another mouthful of pizza, chewing contently. 

  


"I'll put up a fight." Toni told her when she had swallowed. 

  


"Oh, I'm sure you would." 

  


They laughed together then fell into silence, still smiling. Toni couldn't look away, seeing Shelby relaxed and comfortable and happy. She couldn't help but think how easy it was when it could just be them, how nothing else mattered. 

  


They both felt the mood shift. Toni broke the tension by packing her almost empty pizza box, save for the crusts, together and gathering Shelby's with it to take back through to the kitchen. Shelby called a thank you after her as she left. 

  


When Toni returned Shelby was curled into the corner of one of the couches with a blanket over her lap staring intently at the tv. 

  


Toni joined her, sitting in the middle so as not to put an awkward amount of space between them but far enough away that Shelby was still able to dictate what would happen next. 

  


Only a few seconds after Toni sat, Shelby pulled the blanket back from her lap and told Toni gently, "Come here." 

  


Toni grinned, snuggling up close to her, settling under the blanket. Shelby tentatively wrapped it around her shoulder. 

  


"If you're plannin’ to murder me can you at least do it while I'm asleep?" Shelby teased after a few minutes of silence. 

  


"I'm starting to think you have like a death kink or something." Toni pulled back from where her head was resting on Shelby's shoulder to shoot her a teasing, accusatory look. 

  


Shelby rolled her eyes dramatically. "Why do you have to bring kink into it? Maybe I just want to murder you without an ulterior sexual motive."

  


"Jesus Christ," Toni barked a laugh. "You watch far too much of this shit."

  


They fell into another silence, finishing the rest of the episode. Toni hadn't been concentrating, too much in her head, trying to be in the moment. She'd spent the last 15 minutes internally cursing Shelby's parents, thinking how this could be an every day thing for her and Shelby if it wasn't for them. Shelby appeared to be distracted too. 

  


Before the next episode started, Shelby pulled her hand from underneath the blanket to press pause and then surprised Toni when she shuffled away from her slightly, only to come back closer, kissing her. 

  


"I want to have sex with you." Shelby told her matter-of-factly between kisses and Toni couldn't help but laugh against her lips despite the wave of warmth that flooded in her stomach, dipping between her legs. 

  


"Sorry." Shelby blushed when she realised how abrupt her words hand been but Toni soothed her with more kisses. 

  


Toni wasn't sure what would happen tonight. Her mind was, of course, still in the hotel bathroom with Shelby pressed up against her, dress hiked around her hips, lips parted. But she wasn't sure if Shelby had changed her mind and didn't want to mention it in case it made her feel any sort of pressure. 

  


But it wasn't exactly a disappointment that Shelby's mind still seemed very much set. 

  


They made out with no real intent for a few minutes before Shelby stood, flushed, and made her way to the stairs and up to her bedroom. Toni followed by her side, heart beating harder with every step she took. 

  


"Can we just make out a little?" Toni asked when Shelby closed her bedroom door. "And we'll just...you know."

  


Shelby nodded and Toni could see her relax. Something Toni had come to learn about her was that Shelby's confidence would quickly return once she was completely comfortable. 

  


Toni wondered if she was even more nervous than Shelby, although not for the moment, or for tonight but for everything after. Toni had only ever had sex with Regan and during and immediately after their emotional bond had deepened tenfold. Now, with Shelby, Toni anticipated that a million times over. And it absolutely terrified her. 

  


It didn't take long for Toni's prediction about Shelby's behaviour to come true. Once they were on the bed, under Shelby's sheets, they were once again in a position they'd been in many times before and nothing felt different anymore. 

  


Shelby's confidence, straddling across Toni's hips, placing opened mouth kisses down her neck, was pouring out of her now. 

  


Shelby had already gotten Toni down to just her underwear, her own shorts also discarded, leaving her in just her t shirt and underwear too. 

  


"This isn't how I imagined this going." Toni panted, fingers of one hand tangled in Shelby's hair, the other stroking at her cheek, staring up at her. 

  


Shelby was flushed, eyes dark, blonde hair falling down between them. 

  


"What?" She pulled back to stare down at her, eyes watching Toni's parted lips move as she breathed heavily. 

  


"This." Toni gestured to their current position and Shelby smirked, still all confidence. 

  


"Whether it's my first time or not..." She traced her fingers teasingly down Toni's neck, along her collarbone. "You're still a bottom."

  


Toni's mouth dropped in surprised amusement and she laughed loudly. "How the fuck do you know what a bottom is?"

  


"I've been researching."

  


"Oh yeah?" The knowledge sent another flood of warmth down to Toni's stomach, her heart fluttering at the same time at how adorable it was that Shelby had done some investigating. "What else have you been researching?"

  


"I'll show you."

  


Shelby kissed her once more and Toni lifted her hips to help Shelby shuffle her underwear down her thighs. Shelby's eyes flickered, her mouth drawing open as her gaze lingered between Toni's legs. Such an intense, intimate stare should have made her self conscious but rather, it filled Toni with confidence. No one had ever looked at her the way Shelby was looking at her now, eyes casting up and down her body, but always settling back between her legs. 

  


Toni breathed in deeply and spread her legs wider, eyes fixed on Shelby's face, looking for her reaction. 

  


The reaction wasn't hidden, Shelby’s breath hitched and she let out a longing sigh and then smiled wistfully at Toni. "If I didn't already know....I would now." She laughed in awe, her hand resting on the inside of Toni's knee, pushing her legs ever so slightly further apart.

  


Toni blushed then grinned. "Good."

  


Toni watched Shelby lick her lips and then move so she was between her legs, eyes still shifting down as she moved up Toni's body to kiss her. 

  


Now, Toni wasn't in her head at all, she was fully in the moment, feeling everything and letting herself. 

  


When Shelby's weight settled fully on top of her and Toni could feel her body press between her legs, she wound her hands into Shelby's hair and pulled her away from where she was kissing at Toni's neck. 

  


"What?" Shelby's brow furrowed. 

  


Toni shook her head, not letting her worry. "I just...I just want to look at you."

  


This had been a long time coming, it wasn't about sex at all, it was about the intimacy, intimacy Toni craved with every little part of her. She wanted to be looked at the way Shelby was looking at her, touched the way Shelby was touching her, cared for the way Shelby cared for her, everything with so much love, even if they never said it, Toni could feel it. She hoped Shelby could too. 

  


She drew her hand from Shelby's hair, stroking her fingers over the material of the t shirt still covering Shelby's shoulder, down to where it could rest in the middle of her back. 

  


Shelby was smiling bashfully at her, their eye contact so intense that Toni felt like she might cry. Shelby stared for a second longer before leaning down to kiss her again. 

  


Soon, Shelby's hand, the one not helping her prop herself up by Toni's head, was moving shakily down her body, Toni could feel it tremble. 

  


Shelby glanced to her before her fingertips stroked over Toni's nipples and Toni just nodded sharply, gasping when Shelby touched her.

  


She was exploring, figuring Toni out and Toni loved that she wanted to. The fingers on her nipples squeezed gently, brushed over, and then her thumb and index finger settled for a rolling motion which Toni enjoyed feeling as much as it seemed Shelby enjoyed doing it, moaning softly against Toni's neck as her fingers moved.

  


The lips against her neck were needy, the kisses getting sloppier and sloppier as Shelby's breathing quickened. Toni's eyes closed, falling into the feeling of being so desired and wanted. 

  


"I'm going touch you." Shelby drew away from her neck to kiss against her lips again, resting her forehead against Toni's as she moved to straddle one of Toni's thighs for better access to where she intended to touch. Toni nodded against her lips, the anticipation making her heart leap and her breath come in short pants. 

  


"Is that okay?" Shelby nuzzled her nose against Toni's, pecking at her lips. 

  


"God, Shelby, do whatever you fucking want to me." Toni wasn't embarrassed about how desperate she sounded, how eager. Shelby was moving slowly, getting to know her body, touching her in ways for the first time and Toni didn't want to rush her despite the aching throb between her legs desperate for Shelby's fingers. 

  


Toni's words made Shelby let out a heavy sigh against her lips and her touch became surer, heavier. A warm hand flattened over her stomach and then curled so fingers were brushing lower. 

  


"I love this." Shelby's voice was so low, it made Toni ache even more, as her fingers dipped lower, trailing gently through the neat hair between her legs. 

  


The t-shirt Shelby wore was baggy and Toni found herself fisting her hand up inside easily, feeling Shelby's soft, warm skin. Her other hand was curled around the side of Shelby's neck and face, making sure Shelby didn't go anywhere, that she kept pressing lingering kisses against her lips. Toni had tried to deepen the kiss but Shelby seemed distracted or like she was concentrating really hard and Toni eventually settled into slower kisses, letting Shelby adjust and go at her own pace. 

  


"I don't know if you're teasing me deliberately but I'm really fucking into it." Toni gasped against her lips when Shelby's fingers skimmed over her inner thigh and into the crease of where her leg joined her body, a slow, careful touch. 

  


"It's deliberate." Shelby breathed back against her lips and Toni's hips rocked upwards, a low groan coming from her throat. 

  


Shelby grinned, roughly wrapping her fingers around the curve of Toni's hip, pressing her hard into the bed when her hips rocked up a second time. It only made Toni's hips buck up again and she groaned in frustration at how they were pinned to the bed. 

  


Toni's response was to flicker her tongue against Shelby's bottom lip and then pull her hard against her, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth and nibbling on it. Distracted, Shelby's hand loosened off instantly and it was Toni's turn to grin. 

  


Shelby allowed the kiss to be deeper this time, their tongues pushing against each other, wet and warm and dirty and now Shelby's hips were rocking down against Toni's thigh.

  


The hand on her hip uncurled completely and settled against the inside of Toni's thigh, the back of Shelby's hand accidentally brushing up against her as she moved it and they both gasped at the touch, Shelby pulling back from the kiss to look down at Toni, eyes dark and needy. 

  


"Please." Toni huffed, Shelby's hand still. She knew Shelby must have been able to feel how wet she was from the brief touch, she could feel it herself. 

  


She was impatient, desperate for Shelby's touch, desperate to feel Shelby's fingers slip through her, push inside of her. Desperate to see Shelby's face when they did. 

  


"Shelby." Toni huffed again when Shelby didn't react. "Please." 

  


Shelby kissed her, soft and quick and then her hand moved. Toni's legs spread further, heart racing. 

  


Their foreheads pressed together as Shelby felt her, properly felt her, for the first time and they breathed huffs off hot air against each others lips, both of their eyes closing. 

  


"Fuck." Shelby moaned low in her throat and then her fingers weren't slow or teasing anymore, greedy now. Her movements weren't deliberate, exploring again but the way Shelby's mouth was dropped open in awe, the way she panted against Toni's lips made Toni even wetter. 

  


Shelby brushed against her clit a few times but her fingers never settled there and Toni wondered if she should direct her or let her keep going, sure she could come either way. But then Shelby didn't bother about her clit at all, instead her fingers dipped lower, stroking against the wetness pooled between her legs. Toni nodded quickly against Shelby's lips and Shelby pressed carefully, tentatively inside her with one finger and Toni gasped into her mouth, pressing their lips together roughly. 

  


Shelby pushed deeper and Toni realised just how long her fingers were, reaching deeper than she or Regan ever had, and she clenched around them making Shelby huff out a hard breath.

  


For a few seconds, Shelby moved slowly, dragging out and then pushing gently back in, pulling back slightly to stare down at Toni who savoured the eye contact, desperately trying not to screw her eyes shut. 

  


And then Shelby was pressing into her harder and quicker, driving Toni's hips into the bed, adding a second finger at Toni's request. 

  


"Slow down." Toni moaned after a minute or two, grasping at Shelby's cheek, her other hand on her neck. 

  


Shelby's hand stilled completely, immediately, much to Toni's disappointment. "Sorry." Shelby flushed but Toni soothed her with soft kisses. 

  


"I just want it to last." Toni admitted weakly, clenching around Shelby to spur her movements back on. It worked. 

  


"I want it to last too." Shelby stared down at her, her words soft. And Toni couldn't help but think she meant something more than just this, more than tonight. 

  


Toni reached up to kiss her and Shelby's fingers started working inside of her at a slower pace. Toni snaked one hand between then, dipping between her legs to brush her clit teasingly, able to come from just Shelby's fingers but wanting a little bit more.

  


She hadn't expected this, certainly hadn't expected Shelby to just go for it, learn by doing and need no real help from her whatsoever but it filled her stomach with a deep ache that also reached down between her legs. The more she thought about it as Shelby's fingers continued to press into her, her breath hard and fast against her cheek, Shelby's weight settling on top of her and rocking into her, the closer she was. And she didn't want it to end. 

  


Shelby had kissed along her jaw and down against her neck, sucking and biting gently at her skin and Toni felt every single touch, moaning and whimpering as Shelby's teeth dragged against her sensitive skin. Toni could tell her into Shelby was and it was driving her crazy, how Shelby couldn't stop touching and kissing and looking at her, how Shelby was moaning as much as she was making Toni. 

  


Toni felt herself edge closer as Shelby's fingers sped up again, reaching so deep inside her that it made her want to fucking scream, it was so good, even more because it was Shelby. 

  


Toni pulled at Shelby's hair, pushing her neck so Shelby's face withdrew from her neck, red and hot. 

  


"What?" Shelby panted, Toni's fingers rubbing quickly over her clit at the sight of her, so hot how she was now. 

  


"Want to look you." Toni whispered quickly, eyes screwing closed but she forced them open. She felt herself clench around Shelby and watched Shelby take her in, realising she was close. 

  


Shelby started to speed her fingers up, changing the pressure and Toni tried so hard not to whine. "No, no, no, just keep doing the same." She panted quickly, desperate. Shelby nodded, listening. 

  


Toni screwed her eyes closed again, fingers rubbing tight circles around her clit as Shelby kept stroking into her, pressing her hips into the bed, she forced them opened, being met by Shelby's dark, mesmerised eyes looking down at her, her blonde hair dropping between them and her cheeks flushed a hot pink. 

  


Then she was coming, clenching hard around Shelby's still moving fingers, bending her knee to lock in against Shelby and digging her nails hard into the side of Shelby's neck, unable to control herself. Shelby hissed then groaned at it and Toni unclenched her fingers, moaning Shelby's name against her lips. 

  


Toni's fingers stilled on her clit but Shelby's kept moving slowly inside of her, she gripped her wrist with her still wet fingers to stop her movements. 

  


Toni sunk into the bed, eyes opening to meet Shelby's, staring down at her in awe. Her legs were still twitching every few seconds, Shelby's fingers still inside of her, making the moment feel even more intimate. 

  


"You're so beautiful." Shelby whispered, shaking her head like she couldn't believe it. 

  


Toni felt goosebumps rise on her arms. 

  


She pulled Shelby down to her lips, kissing her deeply. As soon as she did, Shelby huffed into her mouth and started moving her fingers inside her again. Toni groaned lowly. 

  


"Can you go again?" Shelby mumbled against her lips, and Toni could feel how much she wanted it so she let her try, unsure if the answer was yes, feeling much too sensitive. 

  


It turns out the answer very much was yes. This time Shelby fucked her with shallow stokes, her fingers barely half way inside of her, not reaching that deep place they had before but Toni thought maybe she liked this even more. She was a mess, panting and moaning and dragging Shelby down into the crook of her neck with an arm wrapped tightly around her when she came a second time, Shelby's fingers finally pressing deep into her as she clenched around them and it made her see stars. 

  


"Stop, stop, stop." Toni begged with a groan and they both laughed against each other's mouths. Shelby slowly removed her fingers, letting them trail teasingly, slowly, up to Toni's stomach. 

  


After a few minutes of soft kisses, Toni bunched Shelby's t shirt up around her chest and then peeled it over her head wasting no time before her hands were all over her, squeezing, her thumbs brushing over Shelby's nipples. 

  


When Toni pressed Shelby onto the bed on her back and started kissing her way from her neck to her stomach, Shelby's thoughts finally caught up with her and she choked out, "Towel." 

  


Toni smirked against her stomach, pressing wet opened mouthed kisses against her skin. She looked up to meet Shelby's hungry stare. 

  


"Did you forget?" Shelby's voice was uneven, she tried to smile but it dropped, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip when Toni licked a line down her stomach to the line of her underwear. 

  


Toni shook her head, "It's all I ever fucking think about."

  


Shelby whimpered at the words, Toni watched her hips sink down further into the bed and then felt them rock gently against her. She kissed over the top of her underwear, a long teasing kiss before rolling to the side and off the bed to grab a towel. 

  


Toni returned, flattened the towel underneath Shelby's hips, feeling the ache return between her legs doing it. 

  


She settled between Shelby's legs once again, focusing her kisses back on Shelby's stomach, her mouth remembering Shelby's hips too. One of Shelby's hands was on her arm and the other cupping at the side of her face as she looked down her body at Toni, watching her lay wet kisses across her stomach. Underneath her, she felt Shelby rock up into her again. 

  


Shelby freed her hands from Toni to tuck her thumbs into her underwear and slowly start to push the material down, making Toni pull back slightly to watch. Toni followed the underwear down with her mouth, warm kisses against Shelby's even warmer skin. She kissed once over where Shelby was smooth, clearly recently shaven, Toni wondered if for her or if Shelby did it anyway. And then she moved to help Shelby pull her legs free from the material, her eyes dropping between Shelby's legs as Shelby's had between hers not long ago. 

  


Her attention was only brought away by a soft hand cupping at her cheek, urging her to look up to where Shelby was settled back against her many pillows. 

  


Shelby's cheeks were pink, "Could you come back up...before...you know." She asked shyly, eyes flickering away from Toni. 

  


Toni's lips tugged into a smile at how adorable she was. She turned her head to press a kiss against Shelby's palm nodding her head. "Of course." She agreed. She understood Shelby's nervousness. 

  


Shelby let out a long shaky breath and kept Toni's eyes as she spread her legs, Toni immediately pressing a hand against the inside of her thigh, shuffling further down the bed to where she needed to be. 

  


Toni had never got used to it, how beautiful women were, how incredible their bodies were. It took her breath away every time. She swallowed hard, pressing against Shelby's thigh, angling her leg ever so slightly. She could hear Shelby's breathing, heavy and uneven. She reached up with her free hand to grasp at Shelby's, interlocking their fingers on the bed by Shelby's leg, she looked up to see Shelby blush deeper and smile. 

  


Toni knew what she was doing, she didn't have the same uncertainty or inexperience as Shelby but God was she fucking nervous. She wanted it to be perfect, everything Shelby had expected. 

  


"You're fucking beautiful." Toni told her, talking against her skin as her lips brushed over the inside of her thigh, hot, wet kisses. 

  


Toni hadn't had sex for a long time now, realising how much she missed the feeling, the touch, the smells and the tastes. 

  


"Toni." Shelby breathed and Toni kept kissing against her thigh, brushing her thumb over the knuckles of the hand she was holding while she did. Shelby squeezed back. 

  


"Taste me." Shelby mumbled, mesmerised by the movement and feel of Toni's lips and a flood of warmth rushed between Toni's legs and she moaned against Shelby's skin. She found herself rocking her hips into Shelby's mattress. 

  


And then she did, pushing against Shelby's thigh and inhaling as she flattened her tongue against Shelby, no teasing, tasting her. Toni could feel the wetness immediately surround her mouth, against her chin. Shelby was always so fucking wet, Toni couldn't get enough. She licked in long slow strokes against her, carefully missing her clit each time, pushing her face deep into her, making sure she could feel the wetness as much as she possibly could. 

  


Shelby was whimpering, her hips jolting and her fingers digging into Toni's hand hard. After a few moments, a final long lick, Toni peppered quick open mouthed kisses against her, her lips sliding against Shelby's wet skin. Shelby seemed to enjoy it, breathing out deep harsh breaths at every kiss so Toni continued, flickering her tongue out on every other kiss, a few seconds long enough to miss how Shelby tasted. 

  


"Toni." Shelby gasped, her free hand brushing into Toni's hair. Toni kissed her twice more then licked a long line against her before pulling away to look up at her. "I want your tongue inside me." There was no hesitation or shyness and it made Toni's hips rock harder into the bed. 

  


"Holy fuck." She breathed out and then her head immediately dipped back down, kissing Shelby's clit once and then licking down to where the wetness pooled. Again, she didn't tease, too selfish to. She lapped at Shelby who spread her legs impossibly wider, her fingers digging into Toni's scalp. And Toni licked against her and then dipped her tongue ever so slightly inside. 

  


"I love that." Shelby gasped so Toni did it again and she groaned low in her throat. 

  


Then Shelby was rocking up against her face, her tongue, greedily, and Toni couldn't get enough, feeling her wetness over her chin. She hummed against her as her tongue pressed as deep inside Shelby as it could, her jaw aching from the effort of dipping it in and out as quickly as Shelby liked it. 

  


It was so fucking intimate, the warmth of Shelby's body, their hands linked together, the wet noises of Toni's tongue pressing inside her, their breathing and Shelby's moans. Shelby's hand was combing in and out of her hair and Toni loved it, reminding her of when they so often used to sleep together in the same bed and Shelby would stoke her hair before they fell asleep. 

  


Toni pressed her tongue in deep and strained to keep it there while Shelby rocked against it, moaning and panting. She couldn't hold it for too long, relaxing and licking at Shelby before fucking her with her tongue again. 

  


"Toni, come up." Shelby gasped after a few more moments, her breathing ragged. Toni withdrew her tongue, licking up to her clit and wrapping her lips around it to suck gently, her tongue flickering inside her closed mouth against it as she sucked. Shelby moaned loudly, shaking. "Quick, quick." She panted, pulling at Toni's hair. 

  


Toni relaxed her mouth, grinning, placing a final sloppy kiss against her clit as she shuffled up Shelby's body. She immediately replaced her tongue with her fingers as she moved and was suddenly very aware of the wetness covering her chin and mouth when she settled over Shelby, their lips almost touching. She wasn't sure if Shelby would be grossed out, if it would be too much. Shelby just stared at her wet skin, lips parted, her moaning momentarily ceasing despite Toni working her fingers in slow circles over her clit. 

  


Toni flushed a little, ready to shuffle her arm free and wipe at her mouth with the back of her hand but before she could Shelby's fingers were trailing over her lips and chin and then her index finger was dipping inside Toni's mouth. 

  


Toni moaned, dipping her fingers lower away from Shelby's clit down to where her tongue had been seconds before. She pressed into Shelby with one finger and Shelby gasped, her finger slipping from between Toni's lips, kissing instead. Shelby slid her free hand down to rub at her clit and after a few seconds of that Toni pressed another finger into her, deep and slow. 

  


"Look at me." Toni huffed when Shelby's eyes shut, Shelby opened them immediately with a groan. "I wanna watch you come, I want you to look at me."

  


That did it for Shelby and Toni knew it would, she let out a moan that was almost a scream, eyes half closing but still remaining on Toni's, coming around Toni's fingers. Toni withdrew her fingers, feeling the pressure and the wave of wetness gush over her hand, down her wrist, coating Shelby's thighs, onto the towel underneath her. Toni revelled in the feeling for just a moment, before brushing her fingers in quick circles over Shelby's clit, working her through her orgasm. 

  


Shelby had clenched her arm tightly around Toni's back, crushing her against her chest after a moment, much like Toni had done to her. 

  


"Toni." Shelby panted over and over, her body twitching hard, grasping at Toni's wrist to stop the movement of her hand. Toni stopped and Shelby let go only for Toni to dip her fingers lower, Shelby groaning. She pushed into her with two fingers, fucking her slowly as her body continues to twitch and shake. Toni wasn’t trying to make her come again, she just needed to feel her, to keep feeling her. 

  


Shelby’s arm loosened against Toni after a second and Toni quickly pulled her head back to look down at Shelby, face flushed. 

  


Shelby's hips dropped back against the bed and Toni looked down between their bodies, down to her wet hand, Shelby's wet thighs and she groaned at the sight, twisting her head back to kiss Shelby deeply. Shelby had to break the kiss after only a second or two because she was still breathing hard. She curled a hand against Toni's face, and pulled her back down for another kiss, still able to taste herself. 

  


"Lord." Shelby finally dropped her head away from Toni, back into her pillows, grinning wide. Toni automatically smiled back. 

  


Toni chased after her lips to kiss her again, grinning against her lips. 

  


Her hand, still between them, brushed over Shelby's wet thighs, aching deeper between her legs as she did. 

  


"You're messy." She teased, her tongue flickering against Shelby's top lip. 

  


Shelby hummed with a pout, "Sorry."

  


"Shut up." Toni quickly kissed her again, smiling down at her. "I fucking love it Shelby." Her fingers kept trailing over Shelby's skin. "I love how you feel, I love how you taste, God I love how you smell. I love...." Toni trailed off her smile fading, Shelby stared hard up at her and Toni swallowed, flushing. 

  


The air changed. 

  


"Say it." Shelby whispered, eyes pleading, heart thudding. "Please can you just say it?"

  


Toni's heart stopped, unable to look away but feeling more vulnerable than she ever had, lying naked on top of Shelby, in her bed, Shelby begging her to just tell her, to just fucking say it. 

  


Toni's mouth opened, she thought maybe she was going to just blurt it out despite trying so hard to swallow it. When she closed her mouth again, saying nothing, Shelby stroked her thumb against the corner of her mouth and then against her cheek. 

  


"I know you feel it." Shelby nodded, cupping her face. "I know you want to tell me."

  


She wasn't wrong, but Toni was hesitant. If she said it, if she told her, there really was no going back. Shelby so desperately wanting Toni to say it made Toni's heart ache. She wanted to give Shelby everything she wanted. 

  


"I'm scared." She finally admitted, weakly. Her body stiffening a little on top of Shelby as if that was going to protect her at all. 

  


"What if I say it first?" Shelby whispered, Toni's stomach fluttered. Shelby tugged her down gently, so their foreheads were settled together. 

  


Toni's mind raced, she thought of everything at once. How Shelby had kissed her in the bathroom drunk then ignored her for so long, how they couldn't keep away from each other so pretended all their not so friendly moments never happened at all, how they'd hurt and cried and how she'd fallen in love with Shelby long before any of that had ever even happened. 

  


"I feel like the minute I say it...you'll disappear." Toni breathed and felt tears brimming in her eyes. She closed them to stop them falling. If she said it and then Shelby left again anyway, Toni didn't think she'd ever recover. At least now, if Shelby disappeared, chose Andrew, chose another life, Toni still had that, those private words she'd never made herself vulnerable with. And that would somehow make it better, she'd convinced herself. 

  


Shelby's next words cut her like a knife, deep and jagged, stopping her breath for a moment. "I'll never leave you."

  


Toni couldn't open her eyes, couldn't see Shelby look at her and believe that she meant it. She pressed her forehead a little harder against Shelby's and Shelby pecked a soft kiss against her lips. 

  


"I know we're in this situation and it hurts you." Shelby whispered. "But I promise I will never leave you, okay?"

  


Toni found herself nodding against her, her chest rising with a swallowed cry. 

  


"Hey." Shelby brushed her thumb along her cheek and Toni pulled back, finally opening her eyes again. Shelby smiled warmly at her, her own eyes filling with tears too. 

  


"You don't have to say it back, okay?" Toni's breath hitched, then stopped as she listened. "I understand. But I just need to say it, to tell you...that I am so in love with you. I have loved you for so long."

  


And Toni's heart was so full that it felt like her lungs were crushing, like she couldn't breath. She blinked and a tear from each eye dropped down onto Shelby's face making her blink in surprise. They shared a little laugh at that, their smiles lingering, another tear fell and Toni brought her hand up to brush them away from Shelby's skin. 

  


The words were in Toni's throat, she so desperately wanted to say it back, to share this moment, to make Shelby feel as special as she'd just made her feel but they just wouldn't come. 

  


Shelby understood, Toni knew that, Shelby knew exactly why she couldn't say it yet. She wrapped her arms around Toni, holding her against her chest and let her cry for a moment, happy tears, vulnerable tears. 

  


After a few minutes of Shelby stroking at her hair and the bare skin of her back, Toni lifted her head and kissed her, smiling against each others lips, smiles which soon turned to laughter over their emotional state. And the laughter felt so intimate, it made Toni well up again. 

  


Shelby turned Toni off of her, onto her back on the bed and settled on top of her, staring down at her for a long time.

  


"I love you." She said it again and Toni's heart fluttered just the same as it did the first time. Shelby smiled sweetly at her and Toni could see the words reflecting in her eyes. 

  


Shelby kissed her cheek and said it again, moved to her neck and said it again, kissed her way down Toni's body saying it over and over and Toni's stomach fluttered and clenched every single time. 

  


Shelby settled between her legs and Toni guided her tongue and her mouth, coming hard against her when Shelby said it to her again. 

  


They settle into their old sleeping position, Toni on her back and Shelby curled into her side with her head on her chest. Shelby fell asleep quickly, her breathing slow and even. It felt like it had been so fucking long since they'd last been here and Toni's heart ached thinking how it could easily be the last time they ever were again. She got lost in her head and her thoughts and cuddled tighter into Shelby to push them aside. She breathed in, smelling her hair and kissed the top of her head and then against her temple. 

  


Then she felt the words welling up in her again, desperate to be said, to be let out even if Shelby wouldn't hear them. Toni swallowed, said Shelby's name softly once and then a little louder after a second, checking she was still asleep. Her heart skipped once, and then twice as she pulled the words up from her throat. She pressed her lips against Shelby's temple again and whispered so quietly against her skin that even awake Shelby would have struggled to hear, "I love you, too."


	16. Note

Hey, 

I have the next chapter of this now written but I don't want to finish this story publicly, unfortunately. 

I know that's really annoying but I am happy to send it to people privately if you want to continue reading it. Again, I know that's annoying but it's going to be even more annoying for me sending it to everyone individually! But I'm more than happy to. 

If you would like me to send you the next chapter the best way I can do it is via email. I'll send it individually so no one else will ever have your email information. If this really doesn't work for you, please send me a message on twitter @Moon_Cubee or tumblr @moon-cube and we can come up with something else. 

I don't want to post this publicly because I was made aware that this story may have hurt some people (due to me not specifying the ages of these characters and that they were in fact 18) and I can't with good conscience continue to put something out that may still negatively impact anyone. My main issue was if I had intended to post it publicly, I would have very much censored the content and I didn't want the story to end that way, and had no interest writing it at all like that. I'd much rather finish it properly, the way I intended and send it privately to anyone interested. 

Please feel free to email me at moon-cube@outlook.com and moon.cubee@gmail.com I'll send you the new chapter. Please send it to both cause sometimes one isn’t working and I’m struggling 🙃 

Hope everyone can understand the reason and again, sorry that it's annoying, I know it is. But this is what makes me most comfortable. 

Thank you!

P.s there was some initial trouble sending because my email thought I was spamming so please let me know if you never received it. And I’m sorry I can’t reply to all the nice messages you’re sending but I appreciate them a lot! 


	17. Final Note

Last two chapters of “I Hate Accidents” are done and I’m finally finished this fic (thank God). Email moon.cubee@gmail.com if you’d like to read and I’ll send them over! Thank you for reading and again, sorry it’s finished via email but finished it is.

I’m sending chapter 16 too as a lot of people are asking and it’s just easier to send it altogether!


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